One care worker mutters to another: so you don’t think hiring someone from that local health spa was a bit inappropriate then? Anna Robic: right everyone, the life of skiving ends right here, let’s start with you all impressing me by at least touching your toes – can you do that? Now beeennnd~ [an unearthly cracking noise is heard as an old lady parts with her Zimmerframe to lean forward – falling over] Anna Robic: and if you’re going to bend your knees you’re only cheating yourself remember [points to an elderly man in a wheelchair] that means ALL of us granddad, do I really need to demonstrate?? [the old man feebly gestures to his wheelchair] Anna Robic: oh I get it, another of those little aids on wheels to justify your sitting around all day? [Pulls the old man from his wheelchair] Do y’know what this is? [the old man now on the floor gasps for breath to answer] I’ll tell you shall I, it’s a never ending sicknote! How much longer are you going to use this as an excuse, a crutch to fool nobody but yourself? Now the rest of you, running on the spot and I want to see those knees raised high, up up up up~ [Another elderly man reaches for his inhaler] Anna Robic: Riiight, so you need a little device to breathe for you now ? Tell you what, why don’t I just breathe and do the exercises for you ? [snatches the inhaler and tosses it away as the man starts to go blue] And save the acting for drama class damn you! [Care home worker approaches Anna] Careworker: I’m sorry miss but don’t you think the folk here are a little old for a regime like this? Anna Robic: And you are?? Careworker: Yes, should have introduced myself, I am... Anna Robic: a fat lardy cow! Careworker: I beg your pardon?? Anna Robic: hard of hearing as well as a salad dodger, and when was the last time YOU did something to stimulate your heart for at least 20 minutes without stopping? Careworker: well, I... Anna Robic: by the look of it you’ve not done 20 minutes without EATING, no wonder your patients are lacking in discipline – c’mon let’s see some activity here [claps her hands in rhythm but notices the patients are nearly all dead or dying] Yesss, forgot to mention, drink LOTS of water, remember our bodies are made up of 70% water, both our bodies and minds need continuous rehydration Careworker: I’m really not so sure mineral water will help them at this stage Anna Robic: and with excuses like that is it any wonder, and any wonder you look like a whale in a dress? I’m done here but be warned, when our dietician arrives DON’T expect her to be as sympathetic, good day! [Struts out via the same door leaving the careworker aghast with dead patients everywhere] Careworker: my goodness, whoever hired such a ghastly woman? [In walks Gillian McKeith] Now then, I‘ve just had a look at these poo samples and you know what? I’m not surprised they’re all dead, it’s high time we looked in your fridge~ Anna Robic: are you here for the induction? Man: no, I was just... Anna Robic: right, then you’re six times more likely to sustain serious injury aren’t you [wraps the chain of the pulldown bar around the man’s neck and kicks the lowest weight sending him zooming upwards hanging by his neck gagging] Anna Robic: Can I have your attention, everyone here for the gym induction, grab yourself a mat and gather round now. [a small crowd slowly gathers around her with their mats as she prepares a flipchart] Gather round, I won’t bite That means you too grandma [pushes a reluctant middle-aged woman down onto a mat as she desperately attempts to say something] Now, [standing at the flipchart] can any of you tell me WHY you are here tonight? [the middle-aged woman now sitting pleads for her attention] Woman: actually I’m not with your group, I’m just here to pick up my Jeremy from his fencing class Anna Robic: oh, well you better run along then hadn’t you Woman: thank you ever so much [gets up to leave] Anna Robic: Get your skiving arse back here right NOW, you really think that “pick up my Jeremy” routine is going to cut any ice here? It might even impress the assertion therapist but THIS is where your life of excuses ENDS. Now, where was I, yes, can any of you tell me your reasons for being here tonight? [the woman still pleading her case now gets a hand over her mouth] Any of you? Was it because your new year’s resolutions had failed miserably by mid-January maybe? Perhaps it’s guilt from your gluttonous evenings at home in front of the television where coming here slightly outweighs Corrie or EastEnders? [a slightly obese man in the group puts his hand up] You. Is Burger King being refurbished this evening? Man: no, I was thinking more about toning-up Anna Robic: toning-up [eyeing him with suspicion] yes good one [scribbles it on the flip chart] can’t make you any bigger I suppose, anyone else? [the same pleading woman raises her hand] Woman: look I really do need to pick up my Jeremy, he will be waiting Anna Robic: “Jeremy will be waiting”, good one [also scribbles it down] but perhaps we’ll save that for the list of feeble excuses or avoidance tactics shall we? Any more now? [a younger woman raises her hand] Woman2: Better sex!! Anna Robic: better sex, now let’s look at that one. You really think any of us are remotely interested in your debauched little life? [scribbles “better sex” on the board] To any of you who thinks healthy exercise is akin to your sordidity let me remind you that the endorphins released during this disgusting activity are totally different to those released in the gym! And looking at you I would guess you don’t get to release either. More reasons? No? [before anyone else can comment she flips over a page on the chart revealing a badly drawn mountain] Now down here is where you are at- lazy, indulgent, ballooned and completely lacking in energy whereas up here on the peak is where you want to be, where I am, so all of you repeat after me: “my body is my temple which I must constantly maintain for I have nowhere else to live” [before the class can even repeat a line] Anyway, enough of that, let’s get down to the REAL stuff [flipping over another page and writing] “WATER” Remember, this island in which you live is surrounded by WATER [attempts to draw a piechart] The planet itself is submerged 70% by WATER [draws another piechart] Your pitiful bodies are made up of 70% WATER so it is imperative that we replenish our water constitutions before and after exercise understand? [raises a bottle of mineral water] The cure for DEhydration is of course REhydration, drinks LOTS of water, yes water, we are made up predominantly of water, you can not go wrong with water, yes water, water, water [becomes almost sexually moved as the group looks on aghast] Anyway, now on to the practical stuff, I want each of you to grab an exercise bike and give me 20 minutes of aerobic warm-up. [the middle-aged woman from earlier still pleading as she now grabs her arm] Woman: Look, I still really need to.... Anna Robic: And, before you begin, drinks LOTS of water [squirts the bottle of mineral water into her face] [paces up and down with a stopclock in hand observing the group on their bikes] Now, also remember the importance of warming up, can anyone tell me why we need to warm up? Anyone?........ If you happen to remember let me know after the session, some shit about an instructor’s exam I have to attend next week. [walks past the obese man whose appearing to struggle on the bike] Yes, and don’t worry about working up a sweat, it is perfectly normal if you’re fat and out of shape. Can anybody tell me what the purpose of sweating actually is? Obese Man: [struggling for breath] yes... it’s said to be the body’s own cooling system Anna Robic: Wrong, it’s so people can steer well clear of you [wincing at him in disgust] It is a warning to others that you’re both unhygienic and undesirable now get peddling ...and keep your distance if you can And the rest of you, I want you all to UP your pace by switching to uphill mode. And if I want moaning and groaning I’ll ask for it now c’mon! While you’re doing it, repeat after me: “my body is my temple, there are many like it but this one’s mine.... “ [The obese man topples over clutching his chest] Oh not again, WHY does this always have to happen on MY inductions?? Someone from the group: quick, that man looks like he’s having a cardiac arrest, do something! Anna Robic: you’re not suggesting I have to touch him or anything?? Urrgh! [bends down reluctantly to roll the man over using a towel] Not sure he’s even breathing, does anyone here know first aid? Voice from the group: you’re the instructor for god’s sake! Anna Robic: I know, that’s why I’m asking, don’t forget I have that sodding exam next week, they’ll be testing me on CRP shit! Middle-aged woman: look, I don’t mean to be unsympathetic but I really do need to pick up my Jeremy.. Anna Robic: RIGHT, that’s it!! [grabs the woman and frogmarches her out of the gym] The rest of you don’t forget to switch off the lights when you leave. Anyone asks about this evening, I’m taking the frigging FENCING class GOOD NIGHT!! © Copyright 2007, Tim Watts
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