BONO & BASHIR
"The Brown-Nose Brothers"

BBC reporter and U2's frontman battle it out to slobber over the hottest showbiz celebrities

[Sketch opens: Martin Bashir tiptoes with his microphone towards the commotion with his face to the camera]

BASHIR: "Here at the Birmingham NEC we will see the greatest pop legend of all time, and very, very good friend of mine Michael Jackson talking about his tour of the UK, kindly signing autographs for his hoards of adoring fans, none of course more adoring than myself"

[To his dismay he sees lead singer of U2 - Bono slurping all over his intended interview]

BASHIR: "Doh, it's that brown-nosing spud again stealing all my sycophancy, I'll show him!"

BONO: "Widowt this great, great king of pop showbiz, da industry would never have reached da hoights it has today, and kids from all round da world would not have had da inspiration from such spectacular videos wid dance routines we can only dream of doing, so let's hear it for dis oicon of black America! In fact, youz don't desorve ta be standing on da same ground as dis legend, sit down now all of youz, or better still on yer knees. Oil join ya as soon as oiv had mi picture taken wid dis great, great man."

[Jackson still looking puzzled as to who this fellow is with his arm wrapped round him grinning annoyingly to the cameras. Then along comes a rather cross Martin Bashir.]

BASHIR: "Go away Bono, he's MY friend, you hear me, mine! I've had interviews with him and everything. Look at the way he once taught me to dance ~"

[Jackson looks even more puzzled as he struggles to recognise this reporter now doing a rather clumsy moonwalk around him]

BONO: "Oh so you had a big glitzy showbiz interview wid da man so ya did, oi bet ya even got a proim toim slot on telly for yer ma an da, well listed mate, oi appreciate Moichael far his muzac and NOT yer British broadcasting crew"

[Bono joins the fans sitting on the ground clapping his hands urging the singer to perform]

BONO: "G'wan sing for us Moichael, show us how it's done. Seriously, we could lorne something from dis, legend, let's hear it~"

BASHIR: "Michael won't sing for you, he'll only do that for his close friends with contacts in the media who can PAY him and give him lots of stuff … DVD's, posh limos, milky bars, you name it!"

BONO: "Never moind all that shoite, Moichael is a man of da people, he understands tha needs of tha people which is woi oiv had that London Eye moved from Westminster and delivered to his home in Neverland for tha kids! His bairns need a BIG big wheel to play on, not that eejut stuff ya get as Alton Towers"

[Michael Jackson still looking dazed as he sits on a chair facing the crowd]

JACKSON: "gee - I - don't - even - know- what – to - sing"

BASHIR: "Michael, do that save the world song again and I could be one of your adoring kiddie disciples. You pretend to be Jesus and show the world that you REALLY care, and I can sponsor you with Pepsi making you lorry-loads of money, how's that!!"

JACKSON: "Save - the - world, - now - I - remember ~"

BASHIR: "You remember me??"

JACKSON: "No - I - remember - HIM" [Pointing to Bono. Bono's face lights up!] "Aren’t - you - that - Englishman -guy - from Ireland ? The - one - who - wants - to - save - Africa?"

BONO: "Ha-ha! That’s roight Moichael, Loive8 where me and Bob set ewt to save the great Dark Continent. See, he’s moi friend 'television man' not yours hahah!" [Wraps his arm around Jackson beaming an even more annoying grin at the camera] "You and me Jacko! Let's make pahverty history so we will. Let's hear it for the great king of pop Moichael Jackson and World Sahng!!"

[Martin Bashir storms off in a huff]

BASHIR: "Confound the pair of you! Diana was bigger news than both of you put together and who did she confide in? ME! I'm going to get a live interview with Pope Benedict and I'll rock the world with controversy when I agree with him that Islam smells, you’ll see!!"

[Michael Jackson begins his debut with World Song with Bono sitting at his feet clapping, jeering the crowd to sing along. When suddenly Martin Bashir reappears dressed as a schoolboy speaking in a child's voice:]

BASHIR: "Michael, I'm only 12 and your biggest fan here in England. Would you like to touch my bottom?"

[Deathly silence, Bono looks on in horror at Martin dressed that way protruding his backside]

~Long pause ~

JACKSON: "Do - you - know - Benny - Hill?"

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Tune in next time as the duo get to meet Nelson Mandela – see Bashir’s legs dangling from the former president’s arse, with Bono ruining EVERY photo!