[Jonnie is rehearsing as Romeo on stage ...sweet talking a particularly ‘manly’ version of Juliet] JONNIE: "shall I compare thee to a summer's day....... on Brighton beach with all the other bum-baring, moustachioed, revolting ~" BERNARD: “CUT right there - that really isn't in the script Jonnie need I remind you!” JONNIE: “It's no good Bernard, how can I get all kissy holdy-hands with a man clearly in drag?” BERNARD: “We've been all through this - it's the stage adaptation of Shakespeare in Love - set in a time when it was OUTLAWED for women to perform on stage!” JONNIE: “Yes and I bet there was a camp conspiracy behind that too!” [throws his gown onto the floor] “Honestly Bernard this sort of thing earns a man a reputation you know. Why is it always ME that gets lumbered with the limp-wrist roles?” BERNARD: “You wanted a Shakespearian part Jonnie and you GOT it. I really don't understand what all the fuss is about.” JONNIE: “When you mentioned it was a play ABOUT Shakespeare I thought I would get to play old willy-shake himself like that Ben Affleck did. Instead I get to play one of his cast lackeys - a poofty one at that!” BERNARD: “We've been through that too Jonnie - the casting director decided that television's Ross Kemp would be playing the part of William Shakespeare - decision is final.” JONNIE: “Oh I see, so the old barman of the Queen Vic is obviously more manly for the part than I am?” BERNARD: “Now I didn't say that ....” JONNIE: They'll be casting me as Mr Humphries next the way things are going [struts off the stage in a huff] if of course I ever get considered for a stage role." [Jonnie and his manager Bernard are sitting in the stage bar upstairs] JONNIE: [smoking a ciggy] “I mean, it's not that I have anything against these people Bernard, some of them happen to be very good friends of mine - but the moment people know you like to dress up and step into the limelight - ka-boom! it's like you're coming out of the blasted closet - which I was never even IN ~ blah, blah ~ whine” BERNARD: “Oh look Jonnie - it's Peter and the rest of the chaps from the amateur dramatics group coming over to join us” JONNIE: “Ay-up lads! Coming to sink a few before rehearsals? [holds his pint glass into the air while farting loudly] [sings] "beer, beer, we want more beer, we want want more beer, we want more beer~" [Bernard shakes his head in despair and walks off embarrassed] “Well they can't have us red-blooded thespo’s living on that Chardonnay shite can they” [slams his empty pint glass on the table] “When you're ready love!” [belches] [Much later - a drunken and despondent Jonnie sits alone at his table when he sees the rest of the cast arrive at the bar] JONNIE: “I - don't - bloody - believe it! [takes a deep breath and tries to sober up while carefully preparing a spiked drink] “Ah, Mr Kemp I believe [holds out his hand] May I congratulate you in getting the lead role.” ROSS KEMP: “Why that's very kind of you, and you are?” JONNIE: “An old face around these parts, once a very good friend of the late John Guilgud and still joined at the hip with our delightful Donald Sinden you see - call me Jonnie. And as I instinctively knew you were a beer man” [proudly presents him the pint of lager] ROSS KEMP: “Thanks all the same Jonnie but a nice glass of claret usually does it for me before rehearsals” [lifts his glass of red wine] JONNIE: [looks shocked] “Claret eh? I should have known from the handshake!” ROSS KEMP: “Seriously that stuff goes right through me by the time I'm on stage” [hinting at the lager] “but I bet my co-star will be more than happy to indulge.” [Out of nowhere Gwyneth Paltrow appears] GWYNETH: “Yeah, hate to see a good pint wasted - looks like that premium Welsh export too!” [takes the pint and swigs it down] JONNIE: [looking on in horror] “You? What are you doing here?” GWYNETH: “Ben Afflek was replaceable, I bloody well wasn't” [takes another swig of the lager this time finishing it] “There, like a full tank of diesel before a long haul is that” [belches and heads to the changing room, Ross Kemp just smiles and follows her. Jonnie is left sitting down aghast] [Later on, Bernard knocks on Jonnie’s changing room door] BERNARD: “Jonnie, there's been a change of plan that could even be in your favour. For some bizarre reason our leading lady Gwyneth Paltrow has just gone down with a terrible upset stomach, can’t get off the toilet.” JONNIE: [painfully winces] “Can't help you there Bernard old chap, not a doctor you see.” BERNARD: “No, but I may have a part for you to step into. You said you didn't want to play any more camp men ~ well.....” [Later on stage: a boat scene on the river with Ross Kemp as Shakespeare and a rather disgruntled Jonnie dressed in a blonde wig and dress] ROSS KEMP: “Your eyes that sparkle, your voice that speaketh in a tone of fine autumnal rain ~” JONNIE: “Try to kiss me ya fucking puff and you'll get that oar up your arse!” [Bernard turning his back on the stage with head buried in hands taking a deep sigh] © Copyright 2007, Tim Watts
|
