[Young Gordon and his mother arrive at Chicago in the airport’s arrival lounge pushing their luggage trolley] GORDON: “did you say it would be Uncle Bud picking us up from the airport again mum?” MUM: “yes of course, you know how my brother-in-law always goes out of his way to accommodate us” GORDON: “but he’s such a weirdo, and scares me at times” MUM: “oh Gordon, he’s a nice man – big hearted and friendly, never fails to make us feel at home when we’re here” GORDON: “You remember how he tried to touch my bottom last time” MUM: “he did no such thing Gordon, it’s just his tactile and familiar nature that we need to try and understand. Surely you’ve heard about male bonding?” GORDON: “HIS idea of bonding is always from behind! Oh god, there he is now, and just LOOK at that sign he’s holding” [A large oafish looking man stands at the gate grinning with a cardboard sign - “STORMIN’ GORDON - STUD FROM ENGLAND”] UNCLE BUD: “no introductions necessary right, we Transatlantic cousins meet again yeaahh!” [tosses the sign aside] MUM: “Bud, you’re looking so well as always, how have you been?” UNCLE BUD: “not as good since I last saw YOU sis, gimmie a hug. You know what Gordon, had I met your mom first I might not have married her kid sister. You know how your women can’t resist a red-blooded stars & stripes kinda guy. Who knows, we might have even had a SON together! Haha! Just kidding sport” [playfully spars with Gordon then patronisingly holds his hands up in the air] don’t want you gettin’ rough on me now!” Here le’mme take this for ya” [takes hold of the luggage trolley and leads them to the car park] “nothing like having a man at the wheel right? So tell me Gordon, you still playing that soccer football game? Still watching your David Baked-ham?” GORDON: “BECKHAM!” UNCLE BUD: “that’s him! If you want I could show you some REAL football while you’re here Gordon, sure can be a rough game at times, not that that’s ever a problem for a guy like you right! You’ll get to meet some of our regular quarterbacks - in the showers afterwards maybe! Do you like taking showers with other boys Gordon? A guy like YOU has nothing to hide right sport?” MUM: “Yes, he’s always been a keen sportsman haven’t you Gordon? I think you and Bud will have LOTS in common to talk about” UNCLE BUD: “So do you have a girlfriend Gordon? Are you interested in girls yet or are you..” MUM: “I think he’ll be saving himself for the right one, won’t you Gordon?” GORDON: “er – yeah I ~” UNCLE BUD: “at 13 I had lost my virginity, and STILL playing for the Chicago Bulls as a reserve. No sir, I never let that sort of thing come before the game - Sport FIRST right Gordon? Or maybe a guy like you has OTHER priorities? You see Gordon, girls aren’t gonna wait around forever – you take your Aunt Kitty, now she had her sights set across the pond because she couldn’t stick around waiting for ol’ teabag to sweep her off her feet! No siree, the land of opportunity had plenty of opportunities for a gal like that, you know what I mean? MUM: “and how is Kitty doing at the moment Bud?” UNCLE BUD: [pauses] “I er, I haven’t seen much of her lately, what I mean is she’s been kinda busy. Yeah she wanted to come here and meet you guys but er, think she’s got plans tonight I guess. Anyways, here we are” [arrives at the airport car park] “How about we take the Chevvy this time huh?” [Points to his proud vehicle] “You like Chevies Gordon? A real MAN’S automobile it has to be said! You should suggest it to your ol’ man when you get home – get him driving a four wheel, 10 cylinder CC engine, 5.2 horsepower, 12 litre turbo testosterone driven bad ass mother of sin” [looking sexually aroused describing it with Mum and Gordon looking wary] “Right, lets load her up!” [opens the back to load the luggage] “Careful with that Gordon, can’t have you lifting more than you can handle. To become a quarterback you gotta build up to it kid, and with a coach like ol’ Buderoo behind ya, you’re gonna be lined up for touchdowns all the way” [Stands behind Gordon in a suggestive way as he reaches down for the suitcases] “Right, lets get this baby down the line and remember Gordon, focus, focus always” [Dramatically throws each case into the back while still standing behind Gordon lunging forward erotically each time] “Whoa, see that Gordon? You got a Touchdown! ~ Touchdown! ~ Touchdown!” [Mum and Gordon look at each other quite perplexed. Bud then sighs as he lights a cigarette] “Yes ma’am the kid’s got potential, shame to go wasting it all on that soccer football game right Gordon? Don’t mind me [referring to the cigarette] Just something we only do here in the States after a satisfying game, you know what I mean?” [Gordon and his mother arrive for Thanksgiving Day at Uncle Bud’s. After dinner, Bud shows Gordon to the sitting room to introduce him to some men watching the US Superbowl.] UNCLE BUD: “listen up guys, we’ve got a young roughneck from the backstreets of England here on vacation. Better do as he says or he’s gonna rip us all apart - that right Gordon?” GORDON: [feebly] “yeah~” BURT [man watching game] “England huh? I hear you guys aren’t doing too well in your soccer football game right now. Lost to that little Spanish country didn’cha?” GORDON: [feebly] “Portugal ~ yeah” UNCLE BUD: “never mind sport, maybe old Bakedham is gonna prove all ‘em wrong next time huh? In the meantime let’s show you some proper football, MAN’S football, y’know what I mean?” [they sit down on nearby sofa] GORDON: “actually Beckham wasn’t playing in the last world cup it was~” UNCLE BUD: “just watch the game now Gordon and you’ll learn something. And don’t let that tea-for-two accent put you off guys, he’s not gay! Ha-ha just kidding sport!” [patronisingly hugs Gordon] GORDON: “there’s nothing gay about the way I talk” UNCLE BUD: “just watch the game kid and you’ll learn something. Now Gordon, did your mom tell you why we celebrate Thanksgiving Day here in the States?” GORDON: “yes, it was when the Pilgrim Fathers arrived in the new lands to escape tyranny and marked the time of the yielding of their first crops and~” UNCLE BUD: “hell no Gordon, that’s just the gay version! It’s all about the broads heading to the kitchen to talk their shit leaving us guys to watch the game in peace. So help yourself to a beer and some popcorn!” [lifts his leg to pass the most uncouth sounding fart. Gordon looks on disgusted] “Now you see that guy who just scored a touchdown Gordon? – that’s Doug Hammond, all-star pro over here, man he’s got balls.” GORDON: “which one is he?” UNCLE BUD: “he’s the uh……..the one you see with the helmet. Why that guy can pass 30 yards in 5.2 seconds scoring touchdowns in less than the 7 point maximum- it’s a record since the 1972 superbowl” BURT: [looking over] “Bud, what the fuck are you taking about man? That was never a record, and anyways it would have been beaten in the 1983 superbowl by Carl Buck passing off across 36 yards in 5.0 seconds to score the 8 point maximum” UNCLE BUD: “hell Burt you don’t know what you’re talking about, trying to fill this kids head with dumb ideas about football. C’mon Gordon let’s go play some baseball – the game is SHIT anyway!” [gets Gordon and leaves the room slamming the door. Burt just shakes his head in dismay] [meanwhile in the driveway outside the house Gordon wears a baseball glove on with Bud hurling the ball] UNCLE BUD: ”Now after Thanksgiving Dinner Gordon it’s always tradition for guys to play baseball outside. It’s not as rough as football but that doesn’t mean you gotta be gay” [hurls the ball at Gordon, but bounces from his glove to the floor] “And if you’re gonna catch like that Gordon you might as well make friends with Liza Minnelli” GORDON: “but Uncle Bud you’re aiming too low for me to catch” UNCLE BUD: “winners never look for excuses Gordon, you wanna score homeruns you gotta think and play like a winner, now let’s try again” [this time the ball goes through Gordon’s legs] GORDON: “Uncle Bud are you aiming for my knees deliberately?” UNCLE BUD: “like I said, a winner would have caught it not question it – OK one more time now, 3 strikes and you’re out” [this time the ball hits Gordon right in the knee causing him to double up in pain] “whoa what’s happened there sport, here let me help” [comes over to Gordon] “OK you really ARE gonna have to drop your pants this time kid and don't think it's for my sake!” [pause] “C’mon Gordon there’s no time for embarrassment. You know, when I became too old to play for the Boston Redsocks my profession turned to the changing rooms assisting in sports injuries – trust me kid I know what I’m doing” [starts rubbing Gordon’s naked leg in an erotic way] [Gordon’s mum and Bud’s wife watch from the kitchen window] KITTY: “it looks like your Gordon’s had an injury sis” MUM: “with Bud coming to the rescue, it’s so nice to see the two of them bonding this way” KITTY: “it’s too bad he never touches ME like that, I can’t understand it” UNCLE BUD: “OK are you able to walk now Gordon?” GORDON: “groan, barely” UNCLE BUD: “well when the games off for injury its time to hit the showers. And with all our guests today I guess they wouldn’t want us hogging the bathroom one after the other” GORDON: “you're not suggesting we shower TOGETHER??” UNCLE BUD: “that’s what guys always do after a game sport, besides it’s large enough for two of us I guess” GORDON: “you dirty old bastard I’m not showering with YOU!” MUM: “Gordon, whatever’s the matter?” GORDON: “It’s this pervert - he knows NOTHING about sport, uses any excuse to queer me up and NOW he wants to get in the shower with me!!” [storms off inside] UNCLE BUD: “hey, I just wanted to save on the hot water that’s all” KITTY: “in the years we’ve been married Bud how come WE have never showered together?” UNCLE BUD: “now that’s just disgusting!!” [storms off also] © Copyright 2007, Tim Watts
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