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Ending A Relationship |
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Ending A Relationship |
If you are thinking of ending a relationship then it is probably wise to spend some time sitting down and going through, either in your head or on a bit of paper, the reasons for your decision. This is very important, because the decision itself can have major consequences both for you, your current partner, and other people involved.
There are three checklists which you can go through in order to consider if ending the relationship is the right thing to do.
It probably will be easy to list the bad things, but do try to think of the good things.
This sounds the same as the first one, but it isn't. There may be other issues involved, children,
other people close to you etc. Also you need to think about whether the problems that you have
are able to be sorted out, have you tried to fix the problems?
This doesn't have to be a long list but it is helpful for you to try and gain some sort of
picture about how your future will look after a split, both on you, your current partner, and
on any other people involved (e.g. children).
Once you have done all these things you should be in a better position to know what you want to do, and what is likely to happen. If you decide to stay with the partner then obviously there are issues that you will need to sort out, you might consider some form of relationship counselling.
It's an old saying but it is nonetheless very true, there is no easy way to end a meaningful relationship. However, there are things that you can do in order to minimise the pain and disruption that this will cause both to you and your partner.
Once you have decided for certain to end the relationship, do not wait until you are drunk or in a really bad mood to do it. This usually ends in a lot of trouble, pain and heartache. Most people have been down this road and know the terrible traumas that can happen.
You almost certainly need to tell the person face to face. The only exceptions are if you fear violence. It does take a fair amount of bravery to tell someone to their face, even if you really can't stand the sight of them.
In many cases, the partner probably already has some kind of inkling that this may be about to happen.
How you do the actual ending is very much down to your own personality, and what you want out of the encounter (perhaps you really do want to stay friends). The list presented below provides some useful tips.
You should be clear that you want to end the relationship, and the reasons why. There are four
further points that need to be considered:
The actual encounter may be stormy and upsetting, cold and icy, or nothing at all.
Be prepared for this, both of you are going to have their emotions affected by the ending, not
just one of you. Your reaction or your partner's might come as a surprise.
You might be living together, or have a family, or share the same friends. The break-up is likely
to have an impact on those people close to you.
If you are living together, or have a family you need to consider how you are going to deal with
the split practically. Where you live, money and possessions, who looks after the dog, all these
things are going to need to be sorted out. It might sound heartless and uncaring to be thinking
about these things but they will have to be sorted out one way or another. We don't mean that
you should necessarily have worked out to the last detail, who gets what, but do have some idea.
You need to think what you are going to do after you have told the person that you want to split.
Will you want to be on your own, with other people, where can you go?
Firstly, be as honest and clear as possible. This does not mean blurt out that you have been sleeping with their best friend, or that you found them dull and boring, but tell them that you have spent some time thinking about it and that you no longer want to continue the relationship.
It's amazing how many misunderstandings can happen, if people don't actually say that they are ending the relationship. The other person may want to know why, don't go into a long speech detailing all the reasons, give a general outline at this time, if you feel you will need to go into greater detail try to leave it for another time.
Some of the things that you could say are:
"It hasn't worked for me" or "I want other things out of life".
If you are sure about ending the relationship, and you ought to be by this stage, don't negotiate
about the ending. Be as sympathetic as you can but don't give in to the other person's threats
or pleas.
Knowing when to leave after having told someone that you want to end the relationship is very tricky. It may be that it is taken out of your hands and the person walks out. But if they don't then the time to leave should probably be when:
1. You have clearly told them
2. You know that your message has got through (even if it is not accepted)
3. You have given some indication of what you would like to happen in the future.
They may want to try and change your mind, or get into pointless arguments or recriminations. Try and stay as calm as you can, and leave without getting into excessive details.
It is probably best not to start negotiating any, but the most essential points at the actual
time that you end the relationship. If you have to discuss practical details, try to arrange
another time, or say that you will contact them at some point in the future.
Unless you are actually having second thoughts, do not give any indication that you are interested
in starting the relationship again. This doesn't mean that you have to be horrible, but it is
usually a good idea not to see the person for a while if that is possible. If not, try not to
let yourself get in situations where there could be trouble, for example, spending a lot of time
alone with them, or going to the same pub/bar/club at the same time.
Give yourself some time to recover from the ending, you are almost certainly going to have been affected in some way. Don't expect life to be a bed of roses, or that you will feel fine.
If you had been in the relationship for some time, you will be faced with a whole set of new challenges. It could be that you are single again, or that you are in a new relationship, either way there will be a lot of changes, and new situations to deal with. Remember, these can be very positive as well as negative.
We are creating a SimplePsych factsheet on Relationships which goes into more detail while still using easy to understand English. If you would be interested at this service being offered to you please let us know by emailing us Click Here
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*** RECOMMENDED BOOKS ***
If you are interested in going into even more depth, the following book(s), sold by Amazon.co.uk, are recommended by us. Each is followed by a rating for ease of reading (1-3).
1=Simple and
Easy to comprehend.
2=More Complex but still a good read.
3=Very Complex, only for
professionals/those studying to degree level.
Victim Of Love? : How You Can Break The Cycle Of Bad Relationships (Whiteman, Petersen & Whiteman)
RATING SCORE = 1 One of the better self-help books.
Breaking Up Without Cracking Up (Compton)
RATING SCORE = 1 Although not strictly a psychological book, this is a very good book written by a family law judge which deals mainly with the processes of divorce.
RATING SCORE = 1 Deals with leaving abusive relationships.
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