My partner made a pass at me tonight.  I’m not sure quite how it happened, and to say that it took me by surprise would be an understatement.  All I know is that one minute we were having a nice, normal Saturday evening talk about nothing in particular, and the next minute he’s kissing me.  No, that’s not strictly accurate.  We weren’t having our normal conversation.  We’d swapped amusing stories about our lives before we met, reminisced about some of the things we’d done and we were drunk enough to start talking about our love lives, or lack thereof, and then Chris tells me that he’s been insane enough to fall in love.  That’s Chris though.  Leaps in to everything without considering the consequences, and that includes life.  So Chris told me that he’d fallen for someone, and that’s why his girlfriend dumped him.  Michelle?  Maddie?  I can’t remember her name, but then that’s not important really.  His relationships tend to last as long as mine do, in other words not long at all.  I tried to be sympathetic, not my strong point I’ll admit, but I tried.  Told him he should tell who ever it is.  Even made a joke of it.  ‘Grab her and kiss her,’ I said.  Only it was me he grabbed and kissed.

I had no idea that Chris was gay, although I suppose the correct term would be bisexual.  He was married after all.  Only, I don’t know what happened.  I presume divorce, although he’s never mentioned it.  I only found out he was married recently.  Maybe she found out he was gay…

Does it really matter what happened?  Something obviously did, and two years after becoming my partner, he tells me he loves me.  Well, he doesn’t tell me exactly, but let’s just say that I’ve been left in no doubt that he meant me.  After he kissed me, I half expected him to turn it into a joke.  It’s the kind of stupid trick Chris would pull.  But when I pulled away from him and saw his face I realised that he wasn’t joking.  He had that look on his face, the one that tells you someone has realised that they’ve made a terrible mistake.  I didn’t handle it well.  You think that in my job I’d be more adaptable to what life throws at you wouldn’t you.  But that was a curve ball I hadn’t expected, and I got good and mad.

I can’t figure out whether I’m angry because he kissed me, or angry because I had no idea that he wanted to.  How could I work with this man and have no idea about what goes on in his mind?  I knew we were close, but this?

Backup’s glaring at me again.  Chris is either asleep or passed out in the window seat, so I’m getting the full treatment.  She knows we’re both pissed as newts, and she definitely does not approve.  For Christ’s sake, we were off duty.  We weren’t even on stand-by.  If we had been she’d have a right to be annoyed.  Anyone would think the woman didn’t have a social life, and yet she seems to have a better one than we do, maybe because she’s based at HQ more than we are.  Why the hell does she have to look at me like she’s sucking lemons?

Not fair I know.  Normally Backup and I get along great.  I even half fancied her when we first started working together, but that faded with familiarity.  So why didn’t that happen to Chris?  It can’t be fun sitting there with Chris comatose and me glaring at the back of the seat in front.  She knows something’s wrong and we aren’t telling her what, and that’s pissing her off.

I hate flying.  I always have.  Couldn’t tell Chris that, not with him being a hot-shot Navy pilot.  At least this is a relatively short European flight.  Those intercontinental flights slay me.  I really hate flying.  I tell Chris that it’s his flying that terrifies me and only because I have a healthy desire for life but it’s not strictly true.  I’ve been scared of flying since I was a kid, and we went to Spain every year on holiday.  There’s some part of me that can’t accept we’re not going to just fall out of the sky, and that hasn’t got better with age, although no-one would know that I’m scared looking at me now.  I’ve looked down the barrel of a gun often enough to hide the fear quite successfully.  You’d think after that flying would be easy.  It’s not.  Getting on a plane is like leaping into the void and trusting something to hold you up, and I’ve never been big on trust.  Except with Chris.

I’ve never thought of another man in a sexual way.  Well, okay, maybe the odd fleeting ‘I wonder what it would be like’ thought that all of us have if we were honest enough to admit it to ourselves.  I once read somewhere that most people are bisexual to some degree, even if it’s only a small degree.  I’m not sure I entirely believe that.  But Chris I hadn’t even considered that way.  He’s my partner.  There are a lot of connotations to that word, one of which is sexual.  God, I can’t believe I’m even thinking this.  But he’s my partner.  He’s the person who guards my back in a firefight - and out of it.  He’s the one person I can count on no matter what, and I know he’d say the same about me.  My best friend.  The person I’m closest to in the entire world.  I’d die for Chris, and now I don’t know who he is anymore.

God I hate flying.

My partner made a pass at me tonight.  Now all I have to do is decide what the hell I’m going to do about it.