MORE THAN THIS

For a second of your life
Tell me that it's true
Waiting for a sign
It's all I want of you
Your heart hides a secret
"The promise of what is"

...or something more than this?

Just a second of your time
Any one will do
Offer me the world
And how can I resist
Something more than this?

Make-believe in magic
Make-believe in dreams
Make-believe in possible
Nothing as it seems
To see touch taste smell hear
But never know if it's real...

For a second of your life
Tell me if it's true
Anywhere beyond
It's all I want of you
On your lips lies a secret
"The promise of a kiss"

...or something more than this?

Just a second of your time
Any one will do
To know of any 'other'
Is all I want from you
Giving me the world
Know I can't resist
Something more than this

Make-believe in magic
Make-believe in dreams
Make-believe in possible
Nothing as it seems
And never really understand
What anything means...

Another second of my life
Not knowing if it's true
Make-believe in nothing
It's all I want of you
Whisper me the secret
Whisper me...

"There is always something other...
Something more than this"

the Cure

~*~

Imagine spending your entire life in one room with no windows. Then one day someone opens the door and you see the other rooms... and the world outside the house. Imagine how you'd feel...

Then you might get some idea as to how I feel right now.

This morning I woke up to a perfectly sensible world. Not believing in God, UFOs, alternate realities, or in humankind for that matter. I started in MI6, then moved on to CI5. There is little that surprises me, and nothing in human misery or ability to hurt other human beings does that.

This morning I woke up after having a dream - yet again - of highly questionable taste about my gorgeous male partner. Heterosexual male partner, I might add.

This morning... feels like it was years ago. So much have happened, so many new rooms to see, and all the wide world outside...

It started normal enough. My said partner picked me up only half an hour late and we were in time at HQ for Malone's brief. All we had to do was to check out one building. No violence, no danger. Just an abandoned lair of a captured criminal.

It was there that the things started to go weird.

All seemed to be as it should, we collected some papers and guns that the cops had obviously missed (they *would*), and were ready to go, when I thought I saw a flashing light, and heard Chris yell something in the next room. I rushed in and saw he was lying on the floor, obviously in pain.

Then he got up, pain gone, and looked around puzzled.

"You okay?" I asked.

"What the hell did just happen, Sammy?"

Huh? Since when did you call me Sammy? And when did you get that bandage on your hand? And, while we're at it, when did you change clothes?

"You tell me. I just heard you yell... and there was this light...?"

"Yeah, something like that... Umm, Sam? When did you change your clothes?"

"I was just about to ask you the same question."

"Huh?" He frowned and gave me a thorough perusal.

"Okay... This may sound really weird, but... a) your hair is shorter, b) you were wearing a *green* shirt this morning, and c)... where's your ring?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Keel? *You* have produced a bandage in your hand, changed your clothes, and *your* hair is longer... What ring?"

He raised his left hand and used his thumb to roll a golden band around his ring finger.

"Umm... what?!"

He looked at me unbelieving, then covered his face with his hands.

"Oh, God... the guy was speaking the truth... It really is true..."

"What? What are you on about?"

He looked up at me looking defeated: "Alternate realities..."

I must have looked as dumbfounded as I felt, for he walked to me and smiled softly.

"I know. I wouldn't believe it either... I can imagine you, old sceptic, find it even harder to swallow."

Then his smile turned tender, and he raised his hand as if to touch my cheek. I think I stepped back or something, for his smile disappeared and he frowned.

"You're not together in this reality?"

"Excuse me?"

He raised his hand again, the one with the ring.

"You and Chris. As me and my Sam. We're married."

My mouth gaped open. "Married?"

He smiled sweetly, as if to a beautiful memory.

"I never would've thought he had it in him, but my Sammy's a romantic. We were standing in the middle of CI5 headquarters when we heard from the news that the new law had been passed. He proposed to me on the spot. I thought he was joking, but then I saw his eyes... I don't think I'd ever realized how much I loved him until that moment..."

I could only stare at him. This wasn't happening. Other realities aside, Chris, *Chris* talking about loving me, well, the other me...

His smile disappeared, and he looked sad when he continued.

"It was fortunate that we got married so soon, and Backup had time to participate..."

I think I managed a questioning grunt at this point for he turned to me and explained.

"Before she died. I've never seen Malone so down. I mean, he always was the father-we-never-had for all three of us..."

Now that was too much!

"Time-out! OK... What you are saying is... You come from another reality, where men can get married, Backup is dead - and Malone is human?"

He frowned again.

"I take it none of that is true here, then?"

"Uhh, no. And if all this is true, where's Chris? The Chris of this reality or whatever..."

"*If* this is true? Sam, have you got another explanation? I think he's in my world, then... I hope Sammy's taking care of him..."

I finally hid my face in my hands and let the headache take full control. I was still dreaming, that was the only explanation.

"Please tell me this is just another stupid Keel-joke. PLEASE."

"Sorry, love. Umm, sorry. Sorry, Sam, no."

"I need to sit down."

I did, on the floor, not pausing for a second to think what it did to my trousers.

"Who were you talking about? This someone who told you about the other realities? How do you get back? How do I get *my* Chris back?"

"So he *is* your Chris!"

I blushed.

"Err... not exactly."

He was quick, this Chris, and he caught the undertone in my answer.

"But you'd want him to be?"

My blush deepened, and I looked away. I guess he didn't need another answer.

"But he doesn't want you?" he asked in an incredulous voice.

"I... assumed so."

"*Assumed*? You never even asked! Jeez. You're doing what we did... Wasting months before we kind of stumbled into each other's arms..."

He crouched by my side, put his hand on my shoulder, and smiled wickedly:

"Don't you worry. I can't think that any version of me could *not* be in love with any version of you."

He sat down next to me.

"And as to how I learned about this 'alternate realities' thing... This crazy scientist in who's lab we are..." looking around "obviously not in this reality. So I'm afraid my getting back is entirely dependant on your partner, and mine."

He looked at his watch, and cursed.

"Hopefully they manage it before five so we can still make it to Heathrow to pick up junior."

"Junior?" I asked, although I wasn't sure I really wanted to know.

"My son, Chris jr."

"But of course."

"Not here?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, I have a son there. From my teenage-marriage to Teresa."

I guess I made some sort of shocked noise as his gaze turned intent.

"What?"

"In here... Teresa was killed in your wedding... along with the rest of your family..."

"Ouch! I'm sorry for them... I guess a divorce isn't so bad compared... And we did separate as friends. Good for the kid, even though I see him only seldom... They're still back in the States. But Teri lets him visit us every now and then. Junior loves flying, too, so to be on a plane on his own is a big deal for a six-year-old."

"And... how does... Sam get along with him?"

"Surprisingly well," he smiled. "He was of course prepared to love him for the fact he's my son, but he captivated his heart on his own right. We get along so well that Teri has promised if something happens to her, we can adopt him. No prejudices there."

He pauses.

"Of course, I hope that doesn't happen. Not just the fact I don't want her to die, but also... I don't think me and Sammy are quite ready to become that domesticated yet... We'd better start with a cat or something. Maybe we have, in some realities..."

"My head aches."

"All bit too much? Come on, shock me. What's happening in this world? How about your marriage?"

"*My* marriage?"

"Oh dear, not that either."

"I've been married?"

"Well, my Sam was, during his MI6 days. It was partly to confirm a cover story, partly to get her a nationality. Diederike, a German colleague of yours. She died on a mission."

"Yeah... I met her once while I was in Berlin... She died, true."

"Come on, tell me about our co-workers. You said Backup is still alive here?"

"Was this morning. So're Spencer and Richards and... hmm. Malone. Not quite 'a father you never had' kind of guy here. 'Don't get emotionally involved', and all that..."

"How's Richards here? Ever the geek? Breaking into any system he decides to?"

"Oh, yeah. And so's Spencer. Ever the geek, I mean."

"Spencer? Mr lover boy?"

"Huh?"

"Love of Backup's life! The heart-breaker number one when you and I were off the list."

"Your reality sounds like a scary place... But so much for our friends... I must admit being curious. What's the world situation?"

He smiled broadly.

"So much like my Sam. What do you want to know? We have no world peace or world war going on... Soviet Union is breaking apart, and Mexico wants independence, Charles is on the throne and people want him out - they blame him for what happened to the queen..."

"Time out! Queen Elisabeth?"

"No, Queen Diana's suicide."

"I don't want to know. Mexico's independence? From the States?"

"No, fucking Canada. Of course the States."

"I'm not even going to tell you about the world situation here... I presume any Keel would start snoring... Your... Sam might find it interesting though..."

"I can keep him interested all right..."

"I bet you can..."

"Hey! You felt that?"

"What?"

"I think it's happening again... Well, it was nice to meet you, take care," he grinned and kissed me on the cheek, standing up to face the flashing light.

It was like a portal, and on the other side I saw Chris, *my Chris*, on the floor, and... myself crouching by him. Then Chris, the other Chris, walked through it.

I saw their faces, the joy, the relief, the love... "God, Chris, I thought I'd lost you!" the other me said, hugging him close. They kissed, and clung to each other, and then he raised his head and looked straight at me.

He looked like me (OK, he had longer hair), but... not like me. Whereas I was still lost, he had found what he wanted in the world. The man in his arms. He looked... content.

And then the portal dimmed out. Chris was on the floor, shaking in pain, and the other us stared at us from the other side, hands around each other, until the portal was gone.

"Chris? Chris? You okay?"

"Sam? That you? Real you?"

"Yeah, real in this reality..."

He laughed.

"Don't... my head aches as it is... I saw so much... While the gate was open... I saw the endless amount of other realities... Other worlds... other us..."

*****

"You feeling better?"

"Not in few years, or without some forced forgetfulness, but yeah, the headache's gone."

We were sitting on the floor, in the same room where we'd spent the last hours. We hadn't been able to move any further than by the wall. Chris stared at a piece of paper in his hand, I was concentrating on the back wall.

"So." I said.

"So." He said.

"Alternate realities."

"Yeah."

"You had a son, there."

"Yeah. He - you - he... told me..."

"And Backup was dead."

"Yeah."

"And Spencer was a heart-breaker."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"And Mexico was part of the States."

"Yeah."

"And Malone was the father we never had."

"Yeah."

There we broke down, and laughed until we were both wiping tears and gasping for breath. It helped. A lot. Helped to restore some normality into the situation. I wondered which one would mention "it" first. Should have known it'd be him. He's the braver of us two.

"And we were married."

"Yeah."

We both kept our eyes in the back wall now. Embarrassed? Then he spoke again.

"The other worlds I saw... I was out only for seconds, you told me, but... I saw so much... so clearly... The other realities... All slightly varying from this one... We, a little different, the people around us... the worlds themselves... And in most of those worlds I saw us... Getting together... In different ways... Sometimes other one dying... sometimes both of us... Pain... loss... But always... love..."

I couldn't decide whether his voice meant he couldn't understand it, or that it could happen here as well.

I swallowed. I had to say something. But, coward as I am, I threw the ball back to him.

"Well, the other you said he 'couldn't think any version of him could *not* be in love with any version of me'... But then, he's biased..."

"Yeah, well... from what I saw... I'd say he was quite right..."

Finally I forced myself to look at him. He was looking at me with a guarded expression.

"The other you told me something, too."

"Yeah?"

"A song by the Cure. I think it's similar in this reality. I think I've heard it."

"What about it?"

"He said it had quite a lot to do with how they ended up together... That he carried a copy of it with him all the time. He wasn't sure if I could take it with me, but it seems to be here."

He handed the paper to me without saying a word.

"For a second of your life
Tell me that it's true
Waiting for a sign
It's all I want of you
Your heart hides a secret
'The promise of what is'

...or something more than this?"

"Waiting for a sign..." I whispered, eyes still in the paper, when suddenly his lips were on mine.

"How's that for a sign?" he asked, pulling back.

"Works for me," I answered and kissed him back.

*****

So.

All in all, quite an interesting day. You know, all that "more than this" alternate realities thing.

But more than that... Me and Chris. Chris and me. Chances. Changes. Kissing in an abandoned building until Backup called, worried when we hadn't returned.

Driving by the HQ to drop the evidence around, and driving to my place to resume the kissing thing.

A little talk about forever after.

I know this is just the first day of the relationship, and we are going to have to work for it to really work, and all that... But we have a great example. Many, in fact.

Marriage might be out of question in this reality - in this country, but you never know.

And besides, marriage is public, for now this is private, really private. Precious. Sweet. Exhilarating.

This morning I woke up to the world where everything was sensible. Tomorrow I shall wake up in a world filled with mysteries, world that's perfect. I shall wake up with Chris.