Dramatis Personae

McQueen , Colonel in the King's army
 
Hawkes, West, Vansen, Damphousse, Wang , Officers and Noble People of the Saratoga

The Warped Fems
 

Scene I. An open place

Thunder and lightning. Enter 3 warped fems.

1st warped fem:    When shall we three meet again?

                             In thunder, lightning or in rain?

2nd WF:               Well I suggest we meet on IRC.

                             Remember, girls, to talk not lurk.

3rd WF:                Shall we meet ere the set of sun

                             Although that depends 'pon the time zone.

1st WF:                Where the place?

2nd WF:                Upon the Heath.

3rd WF:                Would the Tuntavern not be better?

1st WF:                 There to meet with McQueen...

3rd WF:                You mean *he's* going to be there! I come Graymalkin.

1st WF:                 The names *Marilyn*. And I get first dibs. *I'm* the one on the JMDG-l

2nd WF:                (sighing) I noticed that scanning's gone for a burton.

                              Paddock calls.

3rd WF:                Oh, sorry.....Anon.

                             All Fair is foul and foul is fair

                             Hover through the fog and filthy air.

2nd WF:                You mean we get hammerheads? Well they hover!

Warped fems vanish

Scene III (Scene II is omitted on the grounds that it's far too boring)

A blasted heath. Thunder. Enter the 3 Warped Fems.

1st WF:                Where hast thou been, sister?

2nd WF:               Watching Space and drooling.

1st WF:                 Sister, where thou?

3rd WF:                I've been dreaming up some particularly juicy warped bits.

                             About what I'd do if on that gorgeous Hawkes I got my mitts.

                             It involves whipped cream and melted chocolate and lots of stuff,

                             I'll satisfy my sweet tooth on that sweet thing, sure enough

                             Although I'm currently trying to find some chocolate handcuffs.

2nd WF:                I'll give thee a hand.

3rd WF:                Th'art kind.

1st WF:                 And I another!

3rd WF:                I thought you wanted the other.

                             Tho' I know you'd take Hawkes in a pinch

                             I'm not sure we should give an inch

                             Stick thee to thy first love, Col. McQueen

                             He's a doll, thy sisters are not mean.

                             It's just poor Coop's a babe in arms

                             And Tee and me won't see him harmed,

                             And tho' we know you wouldn't mean it dear,

                             Tee and I, well I'm afraid we fear

                             That when it comes to knicker elastic

                             Thou might get a bit enthusiastic.

                             No stick thee to thy first love, Col. McQueen

                             We're sure thee and he could cause a scene.

                             Experienced as he is, we're sure this trip,

                             Will cause thou into a coma to slip.

                             And saved 'til last the news that's best,

                             For I have a picture of dear Coop's chest.

2nd WF:               Show me, show me.

3rd WF:                Here, from Starlog I did snip,

                             This rather interesting clip.
 

(Drum within)
 

1st WF:                 A drum, a drum,

                             McQueen doth come.

                             All The Warped Fems, hand in hand

                             Posters to the Space list land

                             Thus do go on and on about

                             "McQueen is thine and Hawkes is mine!

                             West is cute and Wang is fine

                             Vansen's tough but awfully blind

                             If she can't see how cute is Coop's behind."
 

Enter McQueen and Hawkes
 

McQueen:             So foul and fair a day I have not seen

Hawkes:                How far is't called to the 'Toga? What are these,

                             So gorgeous and so wild in their attire,

                             That look not like th' inhabitants o' th' earth,

                             And yet are on't? Live you, or are you aught

                             That man may question? You seem to understand me,

                             But each seems overcome wi' drool and one into a coma hast slipp'd.

                             Wipe your shiny lips. Thou are truly beauteous lipp'd.

                             Woulds't thou mind if I took one sip?

McQueen:              Hawkes, stop drooling. Speak, fems, if you can. What are you?

1st WF:                  All hail, McQueen! Hail to thee, commander of the Angry Angels!

2nd WF:                 All hail, McQueen! Hail to thee, Commander of the Wildcards!

3rd WF:                 All hail, McQueen! Precursor of Ty Dolls everywhere!

Hawkes:                 Good sir, why do you start and seem to fear,

                               Beings that do seem so fair? I' th' name of truth,

                               Surely thou knowest that McQueen ist worshipped by warped fems everywhere.

                               Art thou afraid that these fair fems will tempt thee into their lair,

                               And tie thee up with chocolate handcuffs? And cover thee with whipped cream?

McQueen:               As I recall Hawkes, *that* particular piece of warped fantasy involved *you*.

3rd WF:                  That's a point, girls. Who's got the maraschino cherries?

                               Want to come and play, little boy?

1st WF:                   Hail

2nd WF:                  Hail

3rd WF:                   Hail

1st WF:                    Lesser than McQueen, and greater.

3rd WF:                    I'm not so sure about *that* particular statement.

                                 I think your biases are showing.

2nd WF:                   Not so happy, and yet much happier.

                                 Especially when we get out the melted chocolate and whipped cream.

3rd WF:                    Thou shalt enjoy the whipped cream, although thou shall eat none.

                                 So All hail, McQueen and Hawkes!

1st WF:                     McQueen and Hawkes, all hail!

McQueen:                 Stay, you warped fems, you, tell me more

                                 By mine honour, I know that I was commander of the Angels.

                                 And I know that I am commander of the Wildcards.

                                 But what's this about Ty Dolls and melted chocolate?
 

Warped fems vanish
 

Hawkes:                     Damn. That was just getting interesting.

McQueen:                  Don't worry, Hawkes. I'm sure they've just popped down to Tescos to get some cherries.
 

The rest of this scene has been clipped as it's also far too boring. And so we skip to.....

Act Four, Scene 1

The Tuntavern. In the middle is the hot tub. Thunder. Enter the 3 Warped Fems.

1st WF:                       Thrice hath the e:mails flown back and forth.

2nd WF:                      Thrice hath we been bann'd from the tun for being too warped.

3rd WF:                       The Warped Fems cry 'tis time 'tis time.

 2nd WF:                      Round and round the hot tub go.

                                     Into the tub, TwoNuts throw.

3rd WF:                       Where'd the Thorntons chocolates go?

1st WF:                        As the warp'dness starts to flow.

All:                               Double baby oil and trouble,

                                    Fire burn and chocolate bubble.

1st WF:                        Maraschino cherries take,

                                    Red or green, make no mistake,

                                    Fun will be had by you and me

                                    Once this chocolate melted be.

All:                               Double baby oil and trouble,

                                    Fire burn and chocolate bubble.

3rd WF:                       Fetch the chocolate handcuff mould,

                                    Let it set and we'll be bold.

                                    Imagine Hawkes here in the buff,

                                    Oiled and gleaming and handcuff'd.

All:                                Double baby oil and trouble,

                                     Fire burn and chocolate bubble.

Enter Boss Moss

Boss Moss:                    O, well done. I commend the pains.

                                      But remember girls I hold the reins,

                                      And on space-l must the drool

                                       Be totally original

                                       And this doesn't count girls.

3rd WF:                          Bugger, foiled again. Where's the Thorntons?

Exeunt Boss Moss

2nd WF:                          By the pricking of my thumbs

                                       Something gorgeous this way comes.

                                       Open locks whoever knocks

Enter McQueen

McQueen:                        How now, you secret warped and horny fems.

                                        What is't you do?

All:                                    Drool, generally

3rd WF:                            Didn't you bring that nice Hawkes boy with you?

                                         The chocolate's now melted and cherries bought.

                                         The whipped cream's whipped, don't spoil our sport.

McQueen:                         What foul fiends you, to consider corrupting a minor

                                          Hawkes is just a child, and none is finer

                                          Than that dear boy. For him I'll fight

3rd WF:                             Looks like Hellblazer's fanfic's right!

                                          For Hawkes, McQueen might have a crush

                                         Grab him girls, for if him we rush

                                         We may be able to cuff him too

                                          And 'til Hawkes comes along he will do.

The three Warped Fems rush McQueen, overpower him and use the chocolate handcuffs to cuff him in the hot tub. They then proceed to remove that tight fitting black outfit that he always wears (drool) and cover him with melted chocolate. Things get a bit messy after that, with water and melted chocolate going everywhere. They get even more messy when 3rd Warped Fem gets out the whipped cream.
 

Enter Hawkes, who views the scene in amazement.
 

McQueen:                         Hawkes! At last salvation comes!

                                         Help me escape form these warped ones

3rd WF:                            Not so fast, my bonnie boy

                                         How'd you fancy being my sex toy?

Hawkes:                            Sounds cool.

Hawkes joins the group in the hot tub and things proceed to get *very* messy indeed. But lots of fun is had by all.
 

Exhausted and satiated, the Three Warped Fems depart, with one last kiss and one last nibble, to leave McQueen and Hawkes to eat their way out of the chocolate handcuffs.
 

McQueen:                         Where are they? Gone? Let this pernicious hour,

                                         Stand aye marked well in the calendar.

                                         Come in without there.
 

Enter Vansen, who doesn't turn a hair at the sight of her CO and wingman handcuffed naked in the hot tub and covered in chocolate.
 

Vansen:                             What's my CO's will?

McQueen:                          Saw you the Warped Fems?

Vansen:                              No my Colonel.

Hawkes:                             Came they by you?

Vansen:                               No indeed Coop, cos then I would have seen them.

McQueen:                           Curiouser and curiouser, said Alyse.

Sound heard faintly in the distance:

3rd WF:                               But that's *my* line.

Hawkes:                               Perhaps, sir, it was just a dream.

McQueen:                             In that case Hawkes, why are you cover'd in whipped cream?
 

The Wildcards are left to ponder the mystery, and Vansen is left to ponder Hawkes' perfect torso....... but that's another fanfic entirely.
 

The End