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The Glossary of JAM

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Jam: a preserve made of whole fruit boiled into pulp with sugar.

JAM: a trio of well-preserved, non-wholesome and fruity individuals who like beating their sugars to pulp.

Glossary of JAM terms

Appendix
Bandana-y
Davis Manoeuvre, The
Fishing
Fred
Mullet, The
Not-shirt
Prevarication
Scar
Self-hug
Ska'ara
Snarky

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Appendix: See 'scar'

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Bandana-y (ban-dan a ee): pertaining to exceptional cuteness in relation to head gear, particularly when combined with cerulean orbs. Also, an intensely drool worthy experience (colloquial). Past tense - bandanaed (wit: I was totally bandanaed when I saw him in the First Ones)

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Davis Manoeuvre, The: an act whereby you position yourself close to the oblivious object of your affections in times of extreme stress so that you can do that supportive/staring lustfully at his ass thing. Most effective if you can manage to separate the object of your affections from the object of his affections by means of a stargate, doomed submarine or whisking the object of your affections off to Russia at a moment's notice. Not to be confused with operation of the Stargate (the (Walter) Davies Manoeuvre).

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Fishing: see 'prevarication'

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Fred (slang): A male-specific term used to describe an individual of the SGC (specifically SG-1) who is successful in the art of attracting members of the same or opposite gender for sexual purposes.

origins: From the old 1950s chart ditty entitled 'Seven Little Girls'. We're havin' fun, sittin' on the back seat kissin' and a' huggin' with Fred. (Songvid)

usage: To Out-Fred - Exceed the attempts of others in the pursuit of members of the same/opposite sex. To receive greater attention from members of the same/opposite sex than others.

To be Out-Fredded - an individual who has his amorous attempts exceeded by another in pursuit of members of the same/opposite sex (see also loooooo-ser and relative hand gesture).

A Fred - Individual whose appearance is noted by the numerous adoring members of the same/opposite sex draped possessively/adoringly and with as few clothes as possible at their feet or in their general vicinity. Known Freds include Colonel Jack O'Neill, Dr Daniel Jackson and Teal'c.

To be Fredded - To be reduced to a dewy, glassy-eyed, quivering wreck by merely being in the vicinity of a Fred (see Carter and Maj. Paul Davis). Individuals who drape themselves over a Fred for no reason apparent other than to provide visual furniture (see Shau'nac and Anise), an NID conspiracy plot device (see Maybourne) or desire to usurp the System Lords (see Hathor) may also be described as Fredded. The need to pursue a Fred psychotically, utilising subtle brainwashing techniques (see Laira), toxic substances (see Kynthia) or Goa'uld technology (see Shyla) is a known side-effect of being Fredded. Other examples of Fredded individuals include Sha're/Ammonet, Ke'ra/Destroyer of Worlds, Osiris/Sarah etc etc.

Trivia: It is a little known fact that Dr Daniel Jackson is the most Fredded member of SG-1 - and most importantly has the scars to prove it...

To be Fredded by another Fred is regarded as the highest honour and also a very good reason for setting the VCR...

To Fred - the act. To Fred another who will thus be hopelessly Fredded. (see above)

To De-Fred - The act of separating a Fred from the Fredded. Example: Jack didn't make Daniel go through the 12-step sarcophagus program for his health. Jack was, in actuality, De-Fredding so that he may be free to be Fredded in the highest order.

Trivia: Colonel Jack O'Neill takes De-Fredding very seriously - in fact way beyond the point of it being friendly interest in the well-being of the Fred in question (who is invariably Dr Daniel Jackson)...

The Anti-Fred: The exact opposite of a Fred. AKA a Martin. The Anti-Fred lacks charisma, sex-appeal or the sheer numbers of members of the same/opposite sex throwing themselves at their feet screaming "TAKE ME NOW!".

Trivia: a) Anti-Freds and Freds do NOT mate. For their offspring (Harsesis-Freds) are reviled throughout the universe, hunted down like dogs and killed. It is reputed that Cadet Haley is one such Harsesis-Fred luckily she is a female and carries no knowledge of the Fred - it doesn't stop her being hated and reviled throughout the galaxy though...

b) There was experimentation in the late fifth season of Stargate SG-1 to create a male Harsesis-Fred using cutting edge genetic engineering and one of MacGyver's old chemistry sets. The result - Jonas Quinn, an unfortunate accident - its end product. The cross-fusion of Hugh Grant and Tim Nice-But-Dim has created something which can only be described as certainly NOT a Fred...

Fredism - The culture born of watching a Fred (or multiple Freds) in action. Common JAM pastime. Although not actually Fredded, any individual participating in such activity may be described as a Fredist. As such, activity is known to be accompanied by the sound of drooling, 'meeps', fingers typing furiously and the odd chorus of "OMG! DRESS BLUES AND SUNGLASSES!" and "BANDANA! SQUEAL!" Fredism carried out to these extremes may be described as quasi-religious...

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The Mullet That Wants to Take Over The World: The Mullet (or TMTWTTOTW for short) refers to Richard Dean Anderson in his 'pre Jack O'Neill days', with a hairstyle so extreme (even for the 80s) that it was known to scare small children and animals. Contrary to popular opinion, it wasn't MacGyver's skills with a penknife that kept him alive, no. People were just too stunned/scared by the hair to shoot straight. Addendum: Rumours abound, however, that it was not in fact RDA. It was a stunt mullet.

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Not-shirt: A vestment so brief as to require an explanation of both what it is supposed to be (i.e. a shirt) and what it is not (i.e. a shirt), wit: The garment worn by Daniel in Beneath the Surface.

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Prevarication: An art mastered by JAM which involves suddenly finding bizarre quizzes and internet sites absolutely fascinating. Other definitions include 'trying to avoid writing' and/or 'struggling with a plot'. See Fishing.

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Scar: (see Appendix) See Jeopardy-sub-reference - 'What is Jack O'Neill's most ardent obsession and fantasy to cover with melted chocolate'.

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Self-hug: fairly obvious to all those with a vested interest in Daniel Jackson, this refers to the wondrous cuteness of an Angst!Daniel who feels the need to wrap his arms around himself. This behaviour is particularly noted in Into The Fire, and occurs when Daniel is upset, scared, or embarrassed in some way. Because, let's face it, who can resist the drool-ness when he's so obviously hurting?

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Ska'ara: See 'scar'

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Snarky: an attitude that veers towards the sarcastic and disrespectful and is usually aimed at either Goa'uld overlords, or anyone else capable of inflicting severe pain on the person being snarky. For some reason this is also aimed at Airforce Colonels on a regular basis. Used colloquially, such as in 'How can I help it? He releases my inner snark.'

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Biography of a stunt mullet
As painstakingly researched by JAM associate, Lou 'Dances With Mullets'
aka The Grammar Tamer, Apostrophe Wrangler and Typo Stalker *

(*99% of JAM writers who expressed a preference chose her)

Dougie J McMullet was born on 1st April 1960, in Glasgow. Showbusiness was in his blood from an early age - his father modelled in the window of a barber's, his mother worked in Debenhams on the accessories counter.

The 60's were heady times for mullets and life was good but still Dougie hankered for more. A trip to the Saturday morning pictures at the age of 6 was to, unbeknown to him, map out his future career. Watching Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis in action he suddenly realised that mullets did work in Hollywood and that was where he wanted to be.

At the age of 19 he pursued his dream but the streets of Tinsel Town weren't paved with gold. Some tough months followed until a chance meeting with a casting director in a seedy Los Angeles bar changed his luck.

Just a few days later he was to find himself on the set of MacGyver, stunt doubling for the resident mullet, Andre. Despite their different backgrounds (Andre was a native Californian, had been acting from birth and 'just lurrrrveed Hollywood darh-ling' ) the two men struck up an instant friendship and one of Hollywood's great mullet partnerships was born.

It was a partnership that was to carry on after MacGyver finished in the early 80's. Renowned for his driving skills, developed during MacGyver, Dougie and Andre were recruited for a new series called 'Knight Rider'.

Dougie had made it. With a penthouse apartment in Venice Beach, his own personal weights trainer and a Ferrari in the driveway, he'd achieved the dream that he'd had all those years before in Glasgow.

His final appearance was in Baywatch, the icing on the cake for his career. Deciding it was best to go out on a high, he retired after the final series to his penthouse. His best friend Andre is still by his side and although the two mullets maintain the friendship is strictly platonic, they can be seen side by side everyday working out on Venice Beach.

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