Famous & Infamous Quotes

Maintained by Yair Shmuely

My favorite:

• "...Never could stand that dog..."

Drinking

• "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
• "I may be drunk but at least I'm not insane."
• "I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I can't get a drink."
• "There ain't no devil, there's just god when he's drunk"
• "Well, the first rule is not to try to drink with him. (When asked about what it was like to write with Keith Richards)."
• "Pour me a cab, I just can't drink no more."
• "The piano has been drinking, not me."
• "Oh yeah, I remember my first beer." (to a waitress dropping a tray of drinks)
• "the drinks are free and everything...but they hit you up at the door on the way out..."
• "I thought I heard a saxophone, I'm drunk on the moon"
• "I've got a bottle for a trumpet, a hatbox for a drum..."
• "I sold a quart of blood and bought a half a pint of scotch"
• "And I'm standing on the corner of Fifth and Vermouth...using parking meters as walking sticks."

Colder & Harder

• "Colder than a ticket taker's smile at the Ivar theater on a Saturday night."
• "Colder than a jewish american princess on her honeymoon."
• "Colder than a well digger's ass."
• "Colder than a gut shot bitch wolf dog with nine sucking pups pulling a number four trap up a hill in the dead of winter in the middle of a snowstorm with a mouth full of porcupine quillls."
• "It's harder to get rid off than tatoos"
• "Coleen's belly was shakin' like jelly And I'm gettin' harder than Chinese algebra."

Sex

• "...It seems a stray bullet actually pierced the testicle of a Union soldier and lodged itself in the ovaries of a woman standing approximately 100 ft. away. She's alright, the baby's doing fine...ofcourse the soldier's a little pissed off..."
• "I'm so goddamn horny the crack of dawn better watch itself around me."
• "Driving dangerous women over dirty sheets"
• "Drivin' dangerous curves across the dirty sheets"
• "Coleen's belly was shakin' like jelly And I'm gettin' harder than Chinese algebra."
• "I'm not weird about it or anything (Masturbating in this instance). I don't tie myself up first or anything."
• "...You end up taking advantage of yourself. There ain't no way around that."
• "Makin' the scene wirth a magazine - there ain't no way around that"
• "There's a place down the street; Seven Xs. What does that mean? Maybe it's... girls without skin."
• "How 'bout a round of Virgin Marys for those homosexuals over at the corner."

Romance

• "And I hope that I don't fall in love with you"
• "And I'm glad that you're gone, but i wish to the lord that you'd come home"
• "I did my time in the jail of your arms"
• "It was a hubba, hubba, ding dang, baby you are just everythang. A week later it's a hubba, hubba, ding dong, baby sure didn't last too long."
• "Oh, you call yourself up too, eh? A heh heh heh"
• "She was sharp as a razor and soft as a prayer"
• "It's the cool of the evening, the sun's goin' down
  I wanna hold you in my arms, I wanna push you around
  I wanna break your bottle and spill out all your charms
  Come on baby, let's set off all the burglar alarms."

• "The Moon ain't romantic. It's intimaditing as Hell"
• "He's a lawyer, he ain't the one for ya."
• "Well I fell in love with a Gun Street Girl!"
• "She used to have a sugar daddy and a candy-apple caddy. A bank account and everything,accustomed to the finer things."
• "It's the cool of the evening, the sun's goin' down I wanna hold you in my arms, I wanna push you around I wanna break your bottle and spill out all your charms Come on baby, let's set off all the burglar alarms."
• "It's hard to believe that the same moon shining down on this chinatown fair could shine down on illinois and find you there... I love you baby"
• "I lost my st. christopher now that i've kissed her"

Weddings

• "Oh I don't mind going to weddings, just as long as it's not my own..."
• "I know a girl, she's been married so many times, she got rice marks all over her face"

Food

• "Yeah, I went to xxx last night, and they had a buffet special. I believe it was all you can stand for a dollar... I looked at my plate and I didn't know whether to eat it or give it a ride home..."
• "Champaign for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends."
• "It walks down to end of the counter (His Veal Cutlet) and beat the shit out of my cup of coffee. I guess the coffee just wasn't strong enough to defend itself."
• "Veal cutlet came down...started beatin' the shit outa my cuppa coffee...coffee just wasn't strong enough to defend itself...."
• "All the donuts have names that sound like prostitutes"
• "I'll have the veal, a lovely meal, that's how I feel - May I use your skull for a bowl?"
• Beauty
• "Such a crumbling beauty. Ah, there's nothing wrong with her that a hundred dollars wouldn't fix."
• "My friends think I'm ugly, I gotta masculine face."
• "I don't need no make-up, I got real scars, I got hair on my chest, I look good without a shirt"

Business

• "A day late and a dollar short"
• "The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away"
• "Change your shorts, change your life, change your life, change into a 9-year-old Hindu boy, get rid of your wife..."
• "Get away from me kid, you bother me."
• "The quality goes in before the name goes on.."
• "Will you sell me one of those if I shave my head."
• "We're going out of business! We'll give you the business! Get on the business end of our Going out of business sale..."
• "It's new, it's improved, it's old fashioned"
• "Tom do this, Tom do that, Tom...don't do that"

Careers

• "I knew him when he was nothing and he hasn't changed a bit."
• "I don't care who I have to step on on my way down"
• "Well, I don't mind working cause I used to be jerking off most of the time, in bars"

Dreams & Nightmares

• "Life's so different than it is in your dreams."
• "Wake me up in my dreams."
• "And it is such a sad old feeling, All the fields are soft and green. And it's memories that I'm stealing, But you're innocent when you dream."
• "The cat'll sleep in the mailbox and we'll never go to town, till we bury every dream in the cold cold ground."
• "The piano is fire wood, Times Square is a dream"
• "And the things you can't remember tell the things you can't forget that history puts a saint in every dream"
• "Matilda asks the sailors `are those dreams or are those prayers?'"
• "And the earth died screaming As I lay dreaming"
• "The rooms, they smell like diesel, and you take on the dreams of the ones that have slept there"
• "They take apart their nightmares and they leave 'em by the door."

God, Devils & Jesus

• "The Lord is a very busy man..... Jesus is always looking for the big picture."
• "The bullets that lead straight to the devil's world, just like marijuana leads to heroine."
• "There ain't no devil, there's just god when he's drunk"
• "Even jesus wanted just a little more time, when he was walkin' spanish down the hall"
• "You can tell me that it's gospel but I know that it's only church"
• "Won't you tell me, brave captain why are the wicked, so strong, how can the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves his porch light on."
• "Theres a golden moon that shines up through the mist
  And I know that your name can be on that list
  Theres no eye for an eye theres no tooth for a tooth
  I saw Judas Iscariot carrying John Wilkes Booth
  He was down there by the train."
• "If you've lost all hope, If you've lost all your faith
  I know you can be cared for, I know you can be safe
  And all of the shamefuls, and all of the whores
  And even the soldier who pierced the side of the Lord
  Is down there by the train."

Blindness

• "The light man's blind in one eye and he can't see out of the other"
• "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king."

Madness

• "...If you want a taste of madness, you'll have to wait in line.
  You'll probably see someone you know on Heartattack and Vine."
• "I may be drunk but at least I'm not insane."

Reliability

• "Never trust a man in a blue trench coat, never drive a car when you're dead"
• "Never trust a scarecrow wearing shades after dark, be careful of that old bow tie he wears"
• "I'd tell you all my secrets but I'll lie about my past"
• "I'm reliable sources, I'll tell ya anything you want me to know."
• "Cross my wooden leg, swear on my glass eye"

Cars, Cabs, Trains & Travel

• "I was born in the back seat of a Yellow Cab in a hospital loading zone and with the meter still running. I emerged needing a shave and shouted 'Time Square, and step on it!'"
• "Planes and trains and boats and busses characteristically evoke a common attitude of blue unless you have a suitcase and a ticket and a passport and the cargo that they're carrying is you"
• "And when they pulled her from the wreck, you know she still had on her shades."
• "And the ambulance drivers don't give a shit, they just want to get off work."
• "Why don't you have another swig, and pass that car if you're so brave... I wanna get there before the sun comes up in burma shave"
• "I lost my st. christopher now that i've kissed her"
• "The boys just dive right off the cars, and splash into the street"
• "Broadway's like a serpent spewing shiny top-down cars"
• "Blew a hole in the hood of a yellow corvette"
• "And the El train came tumbling across the trestles, and it sounded like the ghost of Gene Krupa with an overhead cam and glasspacks"
• "Eddie Grace's Buick's got four bullet holes in the side."

The Moon

• "I thought I heard a saxophone, I'm drunk on the moon"
• "The Moon ain't romantic. It's intimaditing as Hell"
• "It's hard to believe that the same moon shining down on this chinatown fair could shine down on illinois and find you there... I love you baby"
• "Theres a golden moon that shines up through the mist And I know that your name can be on that list..."
• "And the moon's teeth-marks are on the sky, Like a tarp thrown all over this."
• "The moon was sharp enough to draw blood from a stone"

Advice

• "Never trust a man in a blue trench coat, never drive a car when you're dead"
• "Never trust a scarecrow wearing shades after dark, be careful of that old bow tie he wears"
• "Don't plant your days they turn into weeds"

Friendship

• "I'll take a rusty nail, scratch your initials in my arm..."
• "I feel very close to you all now; so close I could almost... loan you money. Really. it goes that deep."
• "I want to thank you all for being here tonight; it'd be mighty strange here tonight if nobody showed up."
• "One look in his eyes... and everyone denies... ever having met him."

Observations

• "I'm the Icecream man."
• "I ain't king of anything"
• "I ain't no extra, baby. I'm a leadin' man."
• "I may be drunk but at least I'm not insane."
• "I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I can't get a drink."
• "I've lost my equilibrium, my car keys and my pride."
• "Anyway's the only way..."
• "My bass player should be chained up somewhere."
• "New York is like this big ship; and the water's on fire."
• "So I told my mom the name of the album...Bone Machine. And she said Tom...why d'you always have to degrade?"
• "We're headed for social anarchy when people start pissing on bookstores!" (in Fisher King)
• "Fishin' for a good time starts with throwin' in your line."
• "They all come from nice families, but somewhere along the line they picked up ways that just aren't RIGHT."
• "And then you deal with the ballistics of radio, where you're constantly reminded that the bullet must fit the chamber. They're striving for an American Rifle Association that creates this whole blue-metal network of sameness. Like a parts store."
• "There's a world going on underground"
• "Broken umbrellas like dead birds; steam comes out of the grill like the whole God-damn town is ready to blow."

Blood & Violence

• "'Cause there's nothin strange About an axe with bloodstains in the barn. There's always some killin' You got to do around the farm."
• "Romeo is bleeding, but not so as you'd notice"
• "I'll ride upon a field mouse, I was dancin' in the slaughterhouse."
• "Just another dead soldier in the powder blue night."
• "Roadkill has its seasons, Just like anything It's possums in the autumn, And it's farm cats in the spring"

Misc

• "I stay in a place called 'Rooms'... There's a whole chain of them."
• "I'm gonna make like a bakery delivery truck and haul buns."
• "I'd like to go drowning, but the ocean doesn't want me today."
• "I see your red label, and I'll raise you one more."
• "And I floated down stream on an old dead tree"
• "This ain't a purchase, it's a rental and it's purgatory... now what's your story, well I don't even care... I've got my own double-cross to bear"
• "Let me fall out of the window with confetti in my hair, Deal out jacks are better on a blanket by the stairs, I'd tell you all my secrets but I'll lie about my past, So send me off to bed forevermore."
• "I climb through the window and down to the street.. I'm shining like a new dime. The downtown trains are full... full of all those Brooklyn girls. They try so hard to break out of their little world... You wave your hand and they scatter like crows..."
• "Are you still jumping out of windows in expensive clothes?"
• "I need to borrow money to pay this lawyer, Johnny hey. I'll be eligible for parole come Valentine's Day."
• "The sky turned black and bruised and we had months of heavy rain."
• "Crawlin' down Cahuenga on a broken set of legs..."
• "... while making feet for children's shoes ..."
• "Meet me by the knuckles of the skinny bone tree."
• "The monkey rode a blade on an overhead fan."
• "All that's left is flesh and bone, the lights are on, but no-one's home"
• "It ain't no sin to take off your skin, and dance around in your bones."
• "Well pale face said to the eyeball kid She just goes clank and boom and steam"
• "For today is grey skies, tomorrow is tears, We'll have to wait 'till yesterday is here."
• "...Well I hear that it pays well How do your pistol and your Bible and your sleeping pills go?"
• "Uncle Vernon, Uncle Vernon, independent as a hog on ice. He's a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse, plays accordian for Mr. Weiss."
• "Small-time Napoleon's shattered his knees,
  but he stays in the saddle for a rose
  and all his desciples, they shave in the gutter
  and they gather what's left of his clothes"
• "It takes much more than just wild courage
  or you'll hit just the tattered clouds you must have just the right bullets
  and the first one's always free"
• "Licorice tattoo
  turned a gun metal blue
  scrawled across the shoulders of a dying town
  The one eyed jacks across the railroad tracks
  and the scar on its belly pulled a stranger passing through..."