Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
| Symptom | Fault | Action to be taken |
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet |
Mouth not open while drinking or Glass being applied to wrong part of face |
Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Continue with as many as necessary until drinking technique is perfect |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear | Glass empty | Find someone who will buy you another beer |
| Feet cold and wet | Glass being held at an incorrect angle | Turn glass other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling |
| Feet warm and wet | Loss of self control | Go and stand next to the nearest dog - after a while complain to the owner about the lack of house training and demand a beer in compensation. |
| Bar blurred | You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass | Find someone who will buy you another beer |
| Bar swaying | Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to heavy usage of video poker game | Insert a broom handle down the back of your jacket |
| Bar Moving | You are being carried out | Find out if you are being taken to another bar - If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked |
| You notice that the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles, and has a fluorescent light it on it. | You have fallen over backwards | If the glass is still full and nobody is standing on your chest, stay put. If not, get somebody to help you up and tie yourself to the bar. |
| Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthing of broken teeth | You have fallen over forwards | Same as for falling over backwards |
| You have woken up to find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot find your bedroom walls or ceiling | You have spent the night in the gutter | Check your watch to see if the bars are open. If not, go back to sleep |
| Everything has gone dark | The bar is closing | Panic!!!! |