101 THINGS TO SAY TO A PARANOID HUMAN

• They're here.
• I know you think you're paranoid but they really are out to get you.
• Oh yes. Everybody knows.
• What's up? You look really tired/sick/depressed.
• God, you're so paranoid.
• Don't take offense, but...

101 THINGS TO DO TO A PARANOID HUMAN

• Surround the victim on a dark night with a circle of people who suddenly whip out their mobile phones and start dialing.
• Rap smartly on their door and say "Police".
• Pretend you are several very different people in the course of one evening.
• Wait until the victim is in a good mood then reassure them thoroughly.
• Convince the victim they have been away for several hours.
• Stare fixedly at a point just up and along from the victim's left shoulder and smile slightly as they try to talk to you.
• Find their deepest fear and feed it, baby, feed it!