No: 154.

About .
 

(Apertures99®: the New Operating System: a misunderstanding)
 

Yes, this is your favourite Uncle and Social Superior speaking to you again. I say 'speaking' but I mean, of course, writing with two fingers (of one hand) on my trusty Coraclesoft terminal, running Apertures99® as my operating system.

There has been some unpleasantness recently, as a few agitators claim that the Death Penalty is inappropriate for people found running any other operating system in Transpomerania, and they may be right. Perhaps it should be reserved for shopkeepers found SELLING any other system. I will see to it when I am fully recovered. But certainly SOMEONE must suffer. If not everyone.

Yesterday, I heard that the United States were appealing to the International Court of Human Rights on behalf of the shopkeepers. I believe they have some sort of lawyers in their country. I laugh at this Court! Who is talking about Humans? and besides, the whole thing is just spite and revengefulness. I am shocked that they could do something like this, when their President has been a guest in our Castle, feasted with Grunzweiler Stark (q.v.) and marmalade. With unlimited toast, too.

Perhaps I am becoming a little heated over something very insignificant. There is no evidence that anyone in Transpomerania uses anything other than a Coraclesoft machine, running Apertures99®. After all, I would know, as all the machines are connected to the Happy Familly Free CoracleNet Resource Centre plc, via the Internet, and we look through everyone's Hard Disk several times a day, on the pretext of offering free Bingo or some rubbish or other like that for downloading. I told you what the Coracle Eye (Ochs-Korakulum) meant, didn't I?

The rest of the page will be about Nature Lovers (Krunkel's idea), but I knew you would be more interested in me, so I insisted on being first.

Coracle.

More about the Happy Familly Free CoracleNet Resource Centre plc 

General Sang-de-Boeuf the Head of the Secret Service,  also keeps an eye on the Happy Familly Free CoracleNet Resource Centre  for us. He has written a few words about our great free service to explain it to the outside world. (But be patient, Outside World, soon you will be part of our happy familly) (KvK, Editor).
 

“

The Happy Familly Free CoracleNet Resource Centre plc was founded in 1995 by Heureux de Familly (known as 'Happy' Familly to his friends) as a gesture of gratitude to the Count, who had saved his family from destruction with a timely gift of Fluid Extract of Grunkiwuwu (q.v.). Today, it is used by every loyal Transpomeranian, and we attach it free of charge, without being asked, to every computer sold. Users of older machines are also eligible to use this amazing service, as it is automatically downloaded and installed on their machines, without being asked, whenever they use their modem. We in the Secret Service are happy (free of charge, and without being asked) to monitor the use of this service, and its subscribers, to make sure that no disloyal thoughts, or Rival Services could stand a chance of taking root in our Happy Community. Citizens are reminded that we scan all hard disks for sedition, indecency and commercial rivals every few hours. Enjoy!

”
General L K Sang-de-Boeuf, KCVK, IMHO, PVC, NSU, BSE etc.

Readers may wonder  when we are going to get to the Nature-Loving part of this newsletter! Ha, ha! Well, it starts now, with a short article of mine on the Birdsong in the Castle Gardens. (KvK, Editor)
 

 

or, Bird-song in the Castle Garden by Klaus von Krunkel (Editor) 

 
 

	In the beautiful Castle Gardens, especially as the sun sinks to rest, you may often hear the melodious Kerchuffle-kerchuffle of the Internecine Warbler as he guards his nest. Far away, in the towering trees that surround us, the Tyrannous Owl prepares for the hunt. Soon we shall see them, with their characteristically barred breasts, but now all we can hear is the muttering Orarrghoo, orarrghoo, orarrhgoo as they slowly wake from their afternoon sleeps.
	In the great Mixed Border (200 gstangs long, if it's an urg) live a family of Creeping Marshmallows, with their merry Twit-wit-a-snip-twit feeding call, as they run in and out of the stems of the Great Borage (Borago gigantium) for which the border is famed. It is not so generally know that they also have an unusual alarm note, which is more difficult to describe. Perhaps Przzququ-przzququ-grllldda Kawhoo! may come somewhere near it, but perhaps not very near.
	It is an unforgettable experience to hear these merry birds competing with the Transpomeranian Nightingale (Philomela transpomeranica) for many hours each evening. The song of this remarkable bird is well known to the musicians and poets of our country, and the characteristic long, melancholy Fzwurr-fzwurr, sounded through the hollow downturned beaks can fill the summer nights with their glorious music. I remember when I was young, gazing into the deep blue expanses of the garden, while looking for my friend, the Gardener's Boy, and hearing the air filled with the melodious  Kazoo-kazoo-kazoo of  Whitbread's Evening Warbler (Lurcus lurcus) , probably the most heart-rending of our Pomeranian Songsters.
	I have been asked what is my personal favourite of all the Castle Birds. How difficult this is! Many thousands of my feathered friends have flitted through the fronds of the fernery since I began my bird-watching. I was in short trousers then, and I remember that the Gardener's boy
	All this is very unkind, and not at all what I was hoping for in my article. My favourite bird is the Lesser Bee-Keeper. And I HAVE noticed that a picture of an aubergine has been substituted for my photograph of it. I well know by whose orders. And I well remember whose tutor had to leave SUDDENLY one summer when that person was a boy.  (see index)  KvK, editor

I am happy to tell my friends and fellow nature-lovers about our recent eco-friendly, green Atomic Tests. There is no question of anything being suppressed - we actually WANT you to know that Transpomerania has an eco-friendly atomic weapon. In fact, the young man who revealed this to the World Press has already been rewarded. Suitably.

Yes! The days of unfriendly messy atomic weapons are OVER, thanks to Super-Coraclon® (softer than silk, stronger than steel).  You may well wonder how this Scientific Breakthrough, if not Miracle, has been brought about. Well, nature-lovers, (this is a Nature-Lovers' edition of the NewsSheet) intensive research, involving the wrapping up of an Ordinary Atomic Bomb in a few sheets of Super-Coraclon® has shown that ALL the insanitary and polluting components of an Ordinary Atomic Explosion are safely contained within the sheet! The ONLY negative effect is an extremely loud bang! We did hope to manage with one thickness of Coraclon Sheeting, but our scientists said "better be safe than sorry" - a good old saying - and so we used two, just to make sure.

People have said, "Why Have This ATOMIC TEST At All Then?". I'm afraid it was necessary, dear friends, to establish the SOVEREIGNTY of Transpomerania, and to counter the AGGRESSION and  DISPUTES fomented by a certain neighbouring country on our borders. Furthermore, we heard that they might possibly be doing something of the sort themselves very soon, and so naturally, THERE WAS NO ALTERNATIVE but to do something bigger and noisier first.

We have tested all the villagers near the site of our underground test, and taken samples of such crops and animals as were left after the test, and found that NO HARM at all had been done. Everyone and everything that was still alive, was still alive. A little adventitious deafness in the villagers (from the bigness of the bang) and a touch of withering in the crops (from the vitrification of the soil) were really all we could find. In fact, there was no need to test for radioactivity at all in the area, as we could see that everything was fine.

This is borne out by the experience of our Military Observers. It was a fine day, so we suggested they might like to sunbathe a bit before the Test, and encouraged them to strip off. Naturally, we provided sunglasses, as it is quite dangerous to sunbathe for long periods without them, as you will know. General Sang-de-Boeuf who was  in charge of the operations from the Command Centre in the Castle, tells me that everyone was having a delightful time. Unfortunately there was a telephone failure just after the Test, and so we must wait for their return before reporting the rest of the eye-witness story.

I hope I have said enough to show you that our Atomic Weapons are completely harmless, and of course, non-polluting, and of course, are manufactured simply to establish our SOVEREIGNTY and to emphasise our PEACEFUL INTENTIONS, tempered by a FIRM RESISTANCE to the aggressive intentions of other people. Naturally, we would never start Anything. I can't speak for other people, of course, nor predict what might happen THEN - they had better look out - but the whole episode is merely Scientific Fun, and I cannot understand why people are getting excited about it. Any pollution you may notice, has been caused by OTHER PEOPLE'S tests, and not ours. Bear that in mind, please.

Gardener's Corner!
 

On an occasional basis, I have agreed to pass on Nature-loving and Gardening questions to our Head Gardener, Heinrich Würzel, also known as Mr Naturefingers to the lady readers' of  Woman's Duty, our friendly female-oriented magazine, readily available in Transpomerania for 2 Zm (Zorkmids) every Tuesday. I am quite sure that we could export copies to ladies outside the country, if we were asked; but I think it is time that his wise yet humble (and humble yet wise) comments on Nature and Her Gardens found a wider audience, so in future, and sometimes, he will appear here.

That's all for now, dear friends. Please keep writing to me, as it helps to fill the pages cheaply.

And I do value your comments. Of course.
 

Coracle

Klaus von Krunkel. Editor
 

Write to Uncle Coracle.

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