Greetings, humble friends and admirers. This month I have further details of some of the news items that I have mentioned in passing....lots of your letters - appreciative or pleading... and a few extra prophecies for good measure. If I have space, there will be a recipe for traditional Transpomeranian Niklaus-Pudding (or Christmas pudding as it is sometimes known) and a winter carol to be sung around the fireside - or by the central-heating boiler, I suppose. I believe that is the way people live, nowadays. Kipper Festival Abandoned. I'm sure you remember my news-item about the Giant Kipper landed at Lowestoft (UK)? And the enormous saucepan being created to boil it for the Autumn Kipper Festival? All has been abandoned. Our International Reporter in Lowestoft (UK) informs us that careful inspection has revealed that the Giant Kipper is a forgery. (I can scarcely bear to tell you this) It had been made by sewing together over one hundred normal-sized kippers with string. Careful examination revealed the stitches. "I cannot tell you what this means to us", said a tearful George Potter, Director of the International Kipper Festival. "It is scarcely worth carrying on, now that by unpicking the stitches, we could cook the components in an ordinary saucepan. I fear that the International Press Coverage we were anticipating will never happen now." I asked how the discovery was first made. "It was the festival secretary," said Mr Potter. "She mentioned one day that it was unusual for a kipper to be caught in a fishing net, and I suppose that set us thinking. Then we called in the Secret Service, and their experts noticed the string." The Public are asked to report anything suspicious they may have seen, however trivial, especially if it smells of kippers. You will be pleased to hear that the Coracle Purchasing Service (Korakulumsbureau) has offered to buy the giant saucepan for the Castle Kitchens, where it will come in very handy for steaming the Niklaus-Pudding (all 200Kg of it). It's an ill wind, isn't it? These are the last words that Uncle Coracle wrote before his accident. A MESSAGE FROM THE PRIVATE SECRETARY (Klaus von Krunkel) The World already knows of the appalling accident which recently overcame the Count (Le Comte de Coracle, of course) or as we like to call him, the Graf von Korakalskrank, or as his humbler readers know him, Uncle Coracle. Before anything else, let me say that the Count is convalescing slowly but steadily, and hopes to be with you again very soon. He is able to communicate very effectively by twitching one of his ears, and I have several hours of dictation using this method, every day. The Count fell victim to New Variant RSD (Rumpel-Stiltskin Disease) last autumn, and for a time we really hoped we had lost him. The problem was that the quality of the Extract of Grunkiwuwu proved to be not as it should be. As you know, this is normally a complete specific against RSD, but in the summer we found that the roots of the Grunkiwuwu tree which we had taken in part exchange with Madonga for a consignment of Edible Furniture were dangerously contaminated with Fanakapan wood, which brings its own problems as well as being ineffective against RSD. The Count had been taking the extract in large quantities all summer, in preparation for his agricultural research during the winter. What we shall do with all the specially-prepared cows I do not know at the moment; I presume they can be retrained to expect grass underfoot again, rather than carpets. I know many of you will be passionately concerned that the Count should return to his full capaciousness as soon as possible; believe me that all in the Castle are working as hard as is humanly possible - if not harder - to bring the present situation to an end. Meanwhile, we shall print a selection of your good wishes and supportive remarks on this page until the Count returns. Negative comments will be destroyed immediately, of course. Mrs O'Hagerty, I hope you are already ashamed of what you wrote. Please point out to your husband that he seems unable even to spell "count". How can we take him seriously? My regards to you all. Rest assured that I shall pass on your messages and good wishes. Personal Secretary to the Count. P.S. The count has asked me to say that if any of you wish to write to him during his illness, he will be pleased to receive a letter. He may even dictate a reply, if he considers it worthy of his attention. K. Click here to send your email Click here to return to the index
Greetings, humble friends and admirers.
This month I have further details of some of the news items that I have mentioned in passing....lots of your letters - appreciative or pleading... and a few extra prophecies for good measure. If I have space, there will be a recipe for traditional Transpomeranian Niklaus-Pudding (or Christmas pudding as it is sometimes known) and a winter carol to be sung around the fireside - or by the central-heating boiler, I suppose. I believe that is the way people live, nowadays.
Kipper Festival Abandoned.
I'm sure you remember my news-item about the Giant Kipper landed at Lowestoft (UK)? And the enormous saucepan being created to boil it for the Autumn Kipper Festival? All has been abandoned. Our International Reporter in Lowestoft (UK) informs us that careful inspection has revealed that the Giant Kipper is a forgery. (I can scarcely bear to tell you this) It had been made by sewing together over one hundred normal-sized kippers with string. Careful examination revealed the stitches.
"I cannot tell you what this means to us", said a tearful George Potter, Director of the International Kipper Festival. "It is scarcely worth carrying on, now that by unpicking the stitches, we could cook the components in an ordinary saucepan. I fear that the International Press Coverage we were anticipating will never happen now."
I asked how the discovery was first made. "It was the festival secretary," said Mr Potter. "She mentioned one day that it was unusual for a kipper to be caught in a fishing net, and I suppose that set us thinking. Then we called in the Secret Service, and their experts noticed the string."
The Public are asked to report anything suspicious they may have seen, however trivial, especially if it smells of kippers.
You will be pleased to hear that the Coracle Purchasing Service (Korakulumsbureau) has offered to buy the giant saucepan for the Castle Kitchens, where it will come in very handy for steaming the Niklaus-Pudding (all 200Kg of it). It's an ill wind, isn't it?
These are the last words that Uncle Coracle wrote before his accident.
The World already knows of the appalling accident which recently overcame the Count (Le Comte de Coracle, of course) or as we like to call him, the Graf von Korakalskrank, or as his humbler readers know him, Uncle Coracle.
Before anything else, let me say that the Count is convalescing slowly but steadily, and hopes to be with you again very soon. He is able to communicate very effectively by twitching one of his ears, and I have several hours of dictation using this method, every day.
The Count fell victim to New Variant RSD (Rumpel-Stiltskin Disease) last autumn, and for a time we really hoped we had lost him. The problem was that the quality of the Extract of Grunkiwuwu proved to be not as it should be. As you know, this is normally a complete specific against RSD, but in the summer we found that the roots of the Grunkiwuwu tree which we had taken in part exchange with Madonga for a consignment of Edible Furniture were dangerously contaminated with Fanakapan wood, which brings its own problems as well as being ineffective against RSD.
The Count had been taking the extract in large quantities all summer, in preparation for his agricultural research during the winter. What we shall do with all the specially-prepared cows I do not know at the moment; I presume they can be retrained to expect grass underfoot again, rather than carpets.
I know many of you will be passionately concerned that the Count should return to his full capaciousness as soon as possible; believe me that all in the Castle are working as hard as is humanly possible - if not harder - to bring the present situation to an end.
Meanwhile, we shall print a selection of your good wishes and supportive remarks on this page until the Count returns. Negative comments will be destroyed immediately, of course. Mrs O'Hagerty, I hope you are already ashamed of what you wrote. Please point out to your husband that he seems unable even to spell "count". How can we take him seriously?
My regards to you all. Rest assured that I shall pass on your messages and good wishes.
Personal Secretary to the Count.
P.S. The count has asked me to say that if any of you wish to write to him during his illness, he will be pleased to receive a letter. He may even dictate a reply, if he considers it worthy of his attention.
K.
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