Deep in the swamp, a piece of apparatus is bubbling away. At the same time, in his lab, Arcane is a happy man; “Absolutely marvellous, isn’t it, Graham?” he says, holding a test tube up for inspection as he walks over to a small glass tank.
"Marvel at it, Graham. My new patent hair restorer!
Soon you'll have a head of hair just like mine!...
Graham? Graham??... Well say something, man!!"
“What’s that, Sir?” Graham asks following him. “Communing with nature!” Arcane beams pleasantly; “Planting seeds for harvest.” Graham looks confused; “I didn’t realise that’s what we were doing.” He mutters as he looks down at a clipboard he’s carrying. Arcane gives him a smile; “Well, that’s why I am who I am, Graham; And you’re...” He says condescendingly with a pause, turning to Graham with a hand gesture; “... well...You!” Back in the swamp, at the submersible lab apparatus, Alec has arrived and is holding up a dead fish and glaring at it angrily; “Arcane again... he never learns!” He utters grimly.
Alec was warned that budget cuts would
mean a drop in the standards of his
co-stars, but this was getting ridiculous!
Back in the main lab, Arcane proudly shows Graham the algae he’s cultivated in the fish tank; “You see...” he says, turning his attention to the tank
to give his lecture; “....you undoubtedly fail to comprehend, the microbes in the algae have amazing potential.” We see a close up of a long algae
culture growing in the tank. “When stimulated with the correct Oxygen-Phosphorus ratio, they’ll eat anything: Fallow farmlands, oil slicks, trash
dumps....” Meanwhile, back in the swamp, Alec turns his attention to the mini-lab apparatus. Back at the complex, Arcane turns to Graham; “The
genius who manages to find a cheap way to manufacture the little noshers can literally name his own price.” He says gleefully, the dollar signs
positively lighting up his eyes.
“Doctor Arcane! Thermal indicators are rising rapidly!” A lab technician suddenly calls across the room to Arcane from a console he’s working at.
Arcane turns to him. “Well, increase the Oxygen-Phosphorus ratio.” He patronises calmly. The technician thinks about this, pausing. “TODAY!!!”
Arcane screams to him, his patience snapping suddenly. The technician gives a start and rapidly complies by fiddling with some control dials; but
Alec is struggling with the mini lab in the swamp, and the technician’s efforts are proving to have little effect. “Something’s wrong. The whole
system’s overheating.” The technician says with concern, turning to Arcane, who rushes over to the console furiously; “Must I do everything
myself?” He snarls, pushing the technician to one side and ordering him out of the way. “Maybe we should farm algae in tanks next time?” Graham
suggests helpfully, as Arcane feverishly fiddles with the controls. “Maybe we should farm algae in tanks next time?” Arcane mutters in a mocking,
derisory and wimpish imitation of Graham’s voice, before shouting to the assistant in his own; “When I have a perfectly useless swamp at my
disposal!? Try not to act as stupid as you look, Graham!” he snarls. Graham looks hurt at this. “Safety overrides are malfunctioning.” The technician
warns Arcane, who ignores him, fiddling with more dials. In the swamp, Alec is still struggling with all his strength against the mini-lab. Back in the
main lab, as Arcane handles the dials, sparks of electricity flow from them, and the console explodes, sending the shock through Arcane, who is
thrown backwards in a huge shower of sparks. “Doctor! Look out!” Graham cries out, as Arcane falls to the floor. The technician makes a grab for
him, but misses, and Arcane lands on his back and lies very still, eyes open in mute stare. The technician gets down and bends over him.
“SOMEBODY GET HELP!!” Graham screams frantically, distraught. The technician examines Arcane. “It’s too late.....” he says quietly, as
Graham just stares in shock at Arcane’s lifeless form; “........he’s dead.”
He survived the lab accident... It
was the shock of seeing his new date
that gave him the fatal heart attack!
Arcane is walking through a mist filled, almost surreal swampland. He seems confused and disoriented. He pushes a small branch out of his way and
walks forward carefully. “Hello?” he calls out cautiously, walking a bit further; “Can anyone hear me?” He stops his walking and pauses for a
moment. “What the devil’s going on!?” he calls again, getting more angry and frustrated. He looks all around; “Someone’ll have hell to pay for this!”
he snarls angrily. “Graham!!” he shouts furiously for his assistant. He then walks forward for a few paces and stops abruptly, staring downwards
where he sees a disquieting image of his own dead body lying in the lab. “Uh.....that was rather pleasant!” he gives the nervously cynical comment,
before trying to collect himself. “Now...steady on, Doctor...” he puts a hand to his forehead; “Think!....There’s a rational explanation for all of this.”
He gives a very unnerved and forced smile. Suddenly, there is a huge flash of lightning and a peel of thunder. “Bugger that!” He gasps in fear, darting
for safety through a path in the foliage to his left
On the other side the mist is thicker; more green, and Arcane has his back turned when he hears cackling laughter coming from behind him. “Who’s
there!?” he spins round towards it and walks forward a bit, repeating his question. As he looks ahead of him, he has a distinctly annoyed aspect to
him; “Never mind; Just keep the revelry going....whoever you are....enough to get my bearings.” He pauses for a moment; “Ah ha!!” he points
triumphantly ahead of him as he sees a flimsy white tent-like opening, from behind which the laughter is coming from. He advances. “Now I’ll get to
the bottom of this!” he declares, as he walks towards a narrow opening in the curtains.
As he approaches it, there is an eerie laugh and a wind strikes up, and the curtains seem to flow apart for Arcane of their own volition, beckoning
him to enter. From outside, Arcane can see a large empty room with a red glow; with tables, benches, chairs and a balustraded area with long rows
of seats....a bit like a courtroom. Arcane takes the hint and enters.
In the interest of good taste, I'll refrain
from making a cheap shot about Arcane
being unhappy with the size of his balls!
Once inside the room, Arcane’s clothing has changed completely. He’s now wearing laterally striped prison garb (still with one of his designer brooches though), and is carrying a heavy ball and chain. “....The Hell?” He exclaims in surprise, looking around, then down at himself, becoming aware of the ball in his hands and dropping it in shock. He looks at himself with even greater bewilderment; at his clothes, his hair.... “No, Doctor;” He looks up in amazement to see an eye-patched blond man addressing him; “This ain’t hell.....not yet!” The man begins a long, loud laugh which echoes throughout the whole room as strange, carnival type music strikes up, giving a cheerful, yet disquieting feeling.
It's not a Laurel and Hardy movie...honest!
As Arcane stares in confusion and scratches his head, a man wearing a court bailiff’s uniform roughly grabs his arm and drags him forward. The bailiff is the same lab technician from Arcane’s algae experiment. Arcane turns to stare at him. “All rise!... Everyone versus Anton Arcane!” He announces, gazing forward; “the honourable Tressa Kipp presiding.” Arcane stares at the box where the judge would be and sees Tressa in semi-shadow, in white judicial robes, glowering down at him. He stares in disbelief. “Tressa Kipp!?!?...” he gives an outraged shout as the bailiff drags him forward roughly; “....for god’s sake! What’s the meaning of this charade!?” He demands to know, as he is dumped unceremoniously into a little wooden chair. As yet unknown to him, Will is sitting beside him in a similar chair. He becomes aware as arms are put around his shoulders in a friendly gesture, and with a reassuring pat to his back; “Don’t worry about a thing, Doc.”
"Take my advice, Doc and plead insanity
... They can't argue with that one!"
He turns in surprise to see Will, who’s wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt, but with a tie over them. Arcane instantly recoils from Will’s embrace like he’s touching something foul; “You!?” he exclaims; “What the hell are you doing?....” he looks around the room again, which is now full of people. The balustraded area is teeming with them: A jury of some kind: All injured, or mutated. Or hurt in other ways: Victims or survivors of him....there’s even a skeleton or two!. He tries to stand up, but the bailiff roughly forces him back into the chair and glares at him. Tressa brings down her gavel with authority, intoning, in an over the top deep and booming voice; “ANTON ARCANE! You are charged with a list of DISGUSTING offences; against SCIENCE.....MEDICINE.....and HUMANITY!...” Her tone of voice modifies to more disgust and less self grandeur; and her face contorts in hatred; “...Not to mention having an overblown ego!” She tilts her head to one side and grins inanely, the tone now changing very sharply to a cheerful mocking; “How do you plead?” Before Arcane can answer. Will regards her with professional calmness and solemnity and answers for him; “Defence pleads....” He turns to Arcane and he cracks up, his voice changing into a laughing shout. “...GUILTY!!” He shrieks in raucous laughter. “I DO BLOODY WELL NOT!!” Arcane protests in outrage, trying vainly to stand up as the bailiff holds him firmly down in the chair. The witnesses and jury are cheering loudly and applauding. Arcane looks thoroughly pissed off as Tressa admonishes him; “But ya are guilty, Arcane!” she reasons in a derisory tone, gesturing to him. “Guilty of what?” He demands, arms folded in a gesture of contempt. “You name it....you did it.” Beside him, his ‘defence’ interjects with a snigger. Arcane surveys his predicament, from Will to the Jury, who are continuing to cheer and laugh. Arcane isn’t taking this too seriously yet, giving a somewhat weary expression and little sigh. In the front row he sees two cheerleaders sobbing over-dramatically. They don’t seem injured, which would indicate they’re either grieving relatives of his victims, or just ex-flames he’s dumped. Either way, he sees to recognise them.
Monthly meetings of the Anton Arcane appreciation
society were always such a joyous affair!
“Hold on!!” He shouts with righteous indignation. Will is still laughing away to himself beside him; “I don’t know what kind of nightmare this is; but
that’s clearly all it is. Some absurd dream....” He looks at the bailiff/technician; “....some burst of beta brainwave activity!” He’s treating the whole
proceedings with contempt. “Counsel says you’re guilty!” Tressa, who’s standing up at and playing with a bat and ball, says with a gleeful stare, in a
childish voice; adding to the surreal feeling you may get from a dream. Arcane turns to survey Will beside him. “This dim-witted juvenile delinquent
could never represent ME!” he says with derisory superiority. “But someone must defend you....” Tressa tells him calmly, before her tone again
changes abruptly to one of abject contempt and revulstion as she savours each and every ensuing word; “....as *repulsive* a job as that may be!”
Her face contorts to the kind of expression that one may give if one had just stepped in something unpleasant. Arcane listens, still not believing the
full ramifications of his predicament. “Very well!” he states confidently, looking at the bailiff again; “Since I’m doomed to endure this bad
theatre.....I’ll defend myself!” he announces with pride, unfolding his arms and placing them confidently by his sides. Beside him, Will seems to be
unsuccessfully stifling a snigger; and the Jury begin a loud mocking and jeering, as though he’s just told the funniest joke in the world. Arcane seems
most put out by this, and somewhat deflated. The sound of a gavel from Tressa’s box brings the attention back to her again. She’s still sitting on top
of the desk, still in semi-shadow, but her eyes and part of her face illuminated in a weird green glow. Like a ringmaster in charge of a circus, she
flamboyantly stretches her arms out theatrically....a true showperson; “LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!” She roars in predatory anticipation.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...” All of a sudden, Will is standing by the balustrade, addressing the jury; and is now dressed in a full suit and
with his hair slicked back; looking very professional. “Wait just a bloody minute!!” Arcane does a double take and Will turns as he hears the man’s
cry of protest; “He can’t prosecute me!” He shouts, pointing at Will. “You fired him....I hired him!” Tressa says callously, somewhat more
preoccupied with filing her nails and paying little attention to Arcane’s tirade. “Yeah; well he’s...inequitable!” Arcane argues. “Like I care!” Tressa
shrugs with contemptuous disinterest. The jury laugh and cheer again. “Thank you....thank you very much.” Tressa points to them happily, sharing
the joke, and Will just grins broadly. Arcane stares helplessly. “Sorry for the interruption, Will;” Tressa apologises gently. “Thanks, Tressa.” He
comments back with a friendly gesture, which she reciprocates; and the two share a sugary camaraderie; “Right back at ya, babe!” she grins,
winking at him.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury....” Will turns back to them and continues, his speech becoming more formal and dramatic; “What can I say
about Dr. Arcane?” he seems to gesture melodramatically and pauses between his words for emphasis; “That he’s...EVIL!?” He spins round to
face Arcane and gives a shrug; “Get real! Everybody already knows that!” he states. Arcane folds his arms and gives a bored and irritated sigh;
“That he’s cruel and insensitive!?” Will continues his verbal assault, and Arcane continues to look bored with having to listen to it all; “....Let’s face
it, the man’s a heartless, greed, vain piece of smelly cat litter!” He points at Arcane in outraged accusation, raising his voice melodramatically; “His
presence in this swamp is an affront to us ALL!!” His last words seem to echo around the room repeatedly, and Arcane looks puzzled at this. The
jury seem pleased by Will’s performance and begin applauding and cheering again. Back in her box, Tressa seems highly satisfied with the manicure
she’s just given herself, and will Straightens his suit with indignation and he glares at Arcane. “OBJECTION!!” Arcane shouts out, leaping to his feet
and slamming both fists down on the desk in front of him. The bailiff immediately forces him back into his seat with such force as to make the man
gasp in pain. “Now what Arcane!?” Tressa says irritably as she’s forced to slam shut a book that she’s been reading. She’s now relaxing back in
her seat with her feet up.
Getting inspiration as she reads her
novelisation of "Hang 'em High"
“I know my rights!” Arcane snarls angrily; “and this so-called jury of my peers is completely unacceptable!” He demands. Will stares at him, and the
Jury confer among themselves; the two cheerleaders still sobbing and nodding their heads. “These people aren’t objective....” Arcane argues;
“.....they KNOW me!” “Who better to judge you!?” Tressa zings a determined retort right back at him, bringing her gavel down hard as her ruling is
made. This causes the jury to rise to their feet in unison, applauding in a standing ovation. Arcane just continues to stare, subdued now; as Tressa
initiates another friendly interchange with the prosecution. “Continue, Will...Oh! By the way....I LIKE that suit!” she compliments him with a broad
smile. He just looks down at it and grins demurely back at her; “You ought to know....you helped me pick it out.” He tells her, and she gives him a
cute and intimately friendly gesture of confirmation (ever felt like a trial was fixed?)
“Now Dr. Arcane....has objected to you....the jury. I wonder WHY!?” The last word echoes repeatedly as Will uses Arcane’s objection against
him; as he goes back to addressing the jury. Arcane looks upwards and away in acute irritation, as though finding the whole proceedings pathetic.
Tressa is giving rapt interest to Will’s words. “Could it be....” Will postures dramatically; “that...that YOU, have experienced, first hand, his
INSIDIOUS behaviour!?” He’s getting himself worked up into a righteous frenzy, but begins to lower his voice again, adopting a soft, tragic tone;
“the abduction of loved ones?....” Arcane continues looking bored and restless; “....hideous experiments on innocent victims....” Tressa nods her
agreement as Will works himself up again like a fanatical televangelist getting into full swing; “Indeed....INDEED...Crimes against Mother Nature
*HERSELF*!!!!” He throws his arms up into the air as though summoning the elements themselves; and at that point there is a dramatic peel of
thunder and a blinding flash of lightning from which Arcane recoils. “What a load of bollocks!” Arcane mutters, and the jury burst into riotous
laughter.
"Look, for God's sake, just pretend to laugh at her
lightbulb jokes, OK? Otherwise we're next to get fried!"
Tressa is sitting on her judge’s box, barefoot, and manicuring her toes now; and gives a nod of the head. The laughter continues, filling the courtroom. Arcane seems most put out by it. “OH STOP OVERACTING!!” With arms folded defensively, he shouts in a derisory and overly dramatic fashion himself. As she continues to give attention to her feet and legs, Tressa turns to him with a contemptuous and dismissive glance;
A pose to strike terror in every mad
scientist or depilatory cream manufacturer!
“Oh give it up, Arcane!” The laughter continues, and an idea seems to germinate in Arcane’s brain. He looks up at the bailiff, and a sly expression crosses his face and he moves furtively a little to his left. Taking advantage of the distraction the revelry is providing, he starts to sneak off unnoticed. However, as he turns, he comes face to face with one of his mutants: His wormlike creation that killed him over a year previously (in “Death of Dr. Arcane”)
There was a disquieting sense of deja vu as he
regarded that slimy little worm again... and
Arcane wasn't happy about the situation either!
As it lunges menacingly with a growl, watching him with beady eyes and keeping him in the chair, he recoils from it with a more than nervous smile.
“You make a very convincing argument!” he quips with resignation. As he turns back and settles down into the chair with a sullen and sulking
expression, Will announces that the prosecution calls it’s first witness: The defendant’s mother!
Wide eyed and open mouthed in shock Arcane finds himself looking at his own mother in the witness box (looking suspiciously like Mark Lindsay
Chapman in drag) “He was rotten!” she announces sadly; “....even as a lad.” She pauses, sounding as though she’s about to burst into tears; “I’m
dreadfully sorry I even brought him into the world!” she exclaims in dismay, finally breaking down. “Mother!” Arcane gasps, looking hurt and
betrayed. “Well, it’s true! You’re just like your father!” Sobbing, she takes out a handkerchief and dabs it to her eyes. “Unreliable witness, your
honour!” Arcane protests; “Psychiatrists found the old bag clinically insane years ago!”
Whatever he got paid for this scene; it wasn't enough!
“Arcane promised to help me!” A nervy, bespectacled man, fidgeting uncomfortable and twiddling a pencil in his hands is next in the witness box;
“...and he stole...my...INVENTION!!” Gritting his teeth, he snaps the pencil in two in a sudden bout of rage. “Don’t make me laugh!” Arcane folds
his arms and sneers in derision; “it was just a vague notion until my intellect made it work!” he patronises the man with a superior tone of voice.
“LOOK WHAT HE DID TO *ME*!?!?” Positively bouncing up and down in rage and gesturing to himself, a mutant wearing a cap is next in the
box (looking and sounding suspiciously like Scott Garrison.) “Well, accidents happen, hmm.” Arcane says dismissively. “YOU DID IT ON
PURPOSE!” The mutant leans forward and counters him. “Oh, I never touched the man!” Arcane argues; “his problem was the work of
incompetent subordinates....” he pauses and looks up at the bailiff for a few moments before turning back; “....Good help is so hard to find these
days!” he quips with a sneer.
“I gave him so much....” Next on the witness stand is Arcane’s hairdresser; an effeminate man of somewhat artistic temperament (and more than a
passing resemblance to Kevin Quigley.) Wringing his hands, he complains bitterly; “worked my fingers to the nub! Sacrificing everything to bring
style to his hair!” Arcane looks on in horror as the man continues his tirade against him, fiddling artistically with his fingers as he berates Arcane.
“Now look at him!!!” He stares accusingly at Arcane; “See how he mocks my artistry!?” The man looks close to tears. As Arcane looks
bewildered and desperately feels his hair; the witness breaks down into a tearful sobbing, hugging himself in misery.
Finally, it’s Arcane’s turn to address the jury. Standing by the balustrade, he begins his speech for the defence. His tone of voice is reserved and
polite; “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury....” a spotlight illuminates him; “Frankly....I’m embarrassed!” He gives a little shake of the head in mild and
rehearsed outrage; “Not for myself, of course;” he adds innocently; “...but for the prosecution (as he points ahead), for wasting your valuable time
like this.” Tressa glares at him intently, her eyes wide and her face contorting in anger. Arcane continues; “My reasoning....should be
obvious....”Glaring ahead at the prosecution, who’s regarding him calmly, he walks slowly along the jury box until he’s directly next to Will. Arcane
raises his voice just a little, though never in anger at the jury; “If this pathetic parade of so-called witnesses is the best that the prosecution can do to
impugn my honour....” Will turns away, grinning broadly and chuckling silently, as though having a private joke with himself as Arcane continues;
“.....I see little point in continuing with these proceedings. Clearly...he has proved....NOTHING!” His voice rising to a righteous crescendo, he turns
and accuses Will. Tressa glowers at him, but will just continues to observe calmly, still looking like he has a trick up his sleeve. Arcane turns back to
the jury; “Unless I’m terribly misinformed......a man is innocent until proven guilty!” It was a rousing and impassioned speech all right....and it looks
like Will was prepared for it completely as he turns confidently back to Arcane, ready to share that joke. “I don’t have to, Doc.....” he says, staring
Arcane in the eye; “....you’ve already done that for me many, many, many times.....” he speaks quietly initially, looking away, before turning back
sharply in swift accusation; “Like when you sold the poor unfortunate victims of your genetic experiments to a freak show!” He turns to look at
something mid air. Biting his lip, Arcane follows his gaze to see a movie clip type image replaying a portion of his own life, exactly as it happened.
The entire courtroom are treated to a portion of the events seen in “Grotesquery” when Arcane confronts Simon with a new glorious failure for him.
“Was I so wrong....to pay them a personal little visit.....and ask nothing in return?” Arcane asks innocently as a new born babe, as he wriggles out
of this one. Tressa looks livid, gasping in exasperation. Will just nods calmly as he addresses Arcane again; “Well what about the time you had the
*INCREDIBLY* destructive plan....to destabilise global agriculture? Arcane tries desperately to remember as they watch a flashback from “The
hunt”, where Arcane is explaining to Graham about the Scarlet Moss Orchid.
"Er, you're not going to show *that* little flashback
from last year's Christmas party are you?"
" 'Course not, Doc. Trust me! Would a lawyer lie to you?"
“How d’you find out about that?” Arcane gasps in surprise when the flashback is finished, still staring upwards in bewilderment. Will turns to him,
pressing the advantage angrily; “And then if that was not enough!!....” The sudden tirade causes Arcane to turn back to Will; “....you decided to
prove your *REVOLTING* theory....” he gestures in aggressive disgust at Arcane, causing the man to flinch from it; “....on an ailing woman....an
innocent.....” Arcane gives a nervous little twitch of the mouth and is looking edgy as his eyes dart frantically around as he remembers; “....my
friend.....Abigail!” The court is shown another flashback, also from “The Hunt”, where Arcane is planting the Scarlet Moss Orchid by Abigail’s bed.
(continued in pt. 2)