DISCLAIMER: Dr. Arcane, Graham, Swamp Thing and other "Swamp Thing"-type stuff belongs to DC Comics and the executive producers of the TV show. But this is totally nonprofit, so please don't come over and break my knees(Tonya Harding-style!). And please don't repost this anywhere, especially for any commercial purposes. The female character is ours.
WARNING: Within this story is a male/female sex between two consenting adults. However, if you get uptight at that sort of thing, or if you're an immature Congressperson, you may not want to read any further. And if you're under 18, hell, you're probably reading it anyway. (Oh, by the way, this story contains the absolute, hands-down, WORST sex scene in all of human history. That's because JJ wrote it.) Oh... and see if you can find joke stolen from "Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie". ;)
Beautiful Muzak
c1997
Twisted story idea and Anton obsesser: JJ
("She didn't do squat!!!")
("I *told* you, I'm the management, and *you're* the labor!")
99.999% liable for all the funny dialogue that made JJ fall down laughing on the floor and land on her butt: Sin Yi
Happy good ideas that forwarded the plot tremendously and made JJ fall down on the floor laughing and land on her butt *again*: Ponce
email comments to JJARROWs@aol.com
"and I don't know what you mean to me
I wanna turn you on, turn you up, figure you out
I wanna take you on"
R.E.M, "Strange Currency"
Dr. Anton Arcane heard the sudden swift beeping of his security system being bypassed, and the trademark *FWOOSH* of the door to his laboratory opening. The clicking noise of a handgun being cocked was the only break in the silence filled otherwise by the humming of nearby machines. He didn't even want to ask where Security had run off to. He only hoped it wasn't one of those damned animal rights activists again. The young auburn-haired woman in the sleeveless black tank top and loose ninja pants didn't *look* like a hippie, but you never really knew. The twining tattoo of the black lotus on her right arm was giving him warning signals. She advanced toward him purposefully, her gaze steady. Arcane put down his vial of puce-colored liquid, and gave the intruder his most charming smile.
"You know, this isn't really a good time for me -- I'm rather in the middle of something important -- maybe you could come back in, oh, and hour so, and bring some Chardonnay. We'll do lunch."
She pressed the barrel of the gun to his forehead. "Shut up." She reached into her pocket and pulled out her card. It was badly embossed. "Ell Callisto. My card."
"Charmed, I'm sure," he replied, still glancing up at the gun pressed to his forehead. He hoped it wouldn't leave a nasty indentation. He had a facialat three tomorrow, and he knew how Roberto got when he ruined his skin. Bitch bitch bitch. It was all the man did. But he could rub on that avocado cream like nothin' doin'.
"I've been waiting for this moment," she said, after a moment's pause and deliberation.
"Really?" he asked. "So this isn't just a demented hobby?"
"Actually, yes. Yes it is. But that's not the point!" She moved in on his personal space circle with a menacing growl lodged deep in her throat that not even Extra-Strength Robutussin could cure. Arcane started to get fidgety. No one but *no one* moved in on his personal space radius. Except Graham, of course, but he really didn't want to think about *that* right now. A sideways smirk quirked at Ell's lips. "I never thought this day would
come." Sliding the gun over to his left temple, with her free hand she trailed her finger lazily down the side of his face and across his lips. She glanced down surreptiously. "Is that a Colt 45 in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
"Actually," Arcane remarked, "I have a Colt 45 in my pocket."
Before she could make a move, he had the handgun pressed to her chin, the barrel of her weapon still at his temple. "Now," he began calmly, "before we go on with further pleasantries, would you mind telling me why you've come calling?"
She lifted her chin slightly against the cold metal pressed to her skin and grinned.
"I had no idea you could be this dangerous, Arcane."
"You have no idea," he replied steadily. A moment passed.
"You still seem happy to see me," Ell commented dryly.
"Well, it's hardly my fault that I have such a ravishing attacker."
Ell raised an eyebrow. "Is this an attempt at flattery, Doctor?"
Arcane folded one of his arms. "Hardly. I don't like having a gun to my head any more than you do. So perhaps we can put the weapons down like civilized people and open that Chardonnay I offered, hmm?"
She opened her mouth in reply, when she was interrupted by a high-pitched shrill whistle that pierced through the silence. In an eyeblink she identified the source of the keening whistle and fired at the squealing vial atop the bunsen burner on the nearby table.
"YAHH!" Arcane cried, whipping his head around and seeing the glass shatter. He rushed over to the table and dropped his gun on his foot in the process.
Ell admired her nails. "Yep, reflexes like a cat, that's what they say," she preened.
"Dammit," Arcane grumbled, examining the puce liquid that dribbled off the table. He glared at Ell reproachfully. "You made me stub my toe, you naughty woman."
"Aww, poor baby," Ell crooned. "But I'm not going to kiss it better. You might have athlete's foot."
"Well you ruined the tonic," he pouted. "I was going to kill Swamp Thing again. It was perfect."
Ell rolled her eyes. "It seems we know who's the more effective killer in *this* room..."
"I'll have you know that I've committed more than my share of first degree murder."
"Uh-huh. I could kill you any day of the week."
Arcane folded his arms. "Don't make me laugh. If you could you end my life any time you pleased than why don't you?"
She grinned wickedly. "Because I'd much rather do something else."
He leaned toward her. "Oh, really?"
"Yes," she said in a low husky voice. "I'd like to can-can."
"Then let's get it on," Arcane purred. He strode over to a hidden panel in the wall, flashing a wicked grin back at the assassin. With a flick of the wrist, he turned on the stereo. Mariah Carey hit an extremely high note. Flushing, Arcane shut off the music with alacrity.
Ell raised an eyebrow in disdain. "You listen to soft rock?"
"No, ah, um, the stereo must be malfunctioning," he stammered, sweating profusely. His mind raced. "I listen to... jazz/pop singles. Pat Boone, you
know. Rather melodic, don't you think?"
She grimaced. "Pat *Boone*?"
He loosened his collar, clearing his throat. "Actually, I don't really have time for music... Very hectic schedule, incompetent underlings, you know how it is... Good help is so hard to find, ahem..."
"Uh-huh."
He quickly turned on the Cancana. They linked arms. The trumpets began to blare.
"Left, right, okay, there we go -- I swear, I thought that was my leg, really I did..."
Ell smiled at him. "You have nice thighs. Do you do this often?"
"Actually yes -- yes I do." He remembered the good old days, back with the Rockettes.
As the song reached its denouement, she whispered in his ear, "I'm not wearing a bra."
"I am," he whispered back. "May I touch your leg now?"
"But I thought you were..."
"That wasn't my hand." He glanced at her sidelong. Somehow, they had moved so that they were facing each other, faces close, bodies almost touching. His voice deepened into a low growl. "Have you ever reached the pinnacle of ecstasy with a genius before?"
She lowered her eyelids, and smiled. "Have you?"
Arcane's eyes brightened with malevolence. "So are you up to the challenge?"
Ell grinned wickedly. "I'm up to anything you can dish out, babe." She rummaged through her inky-black knapsack, and pulled out a flat oblong box. "In fact, I have a gameboard right here." She chuckled in mad glee. No one could ever beat Ell Callisto in Scrabble.
A sudden idea glimmered brightly in Arcane's brain. "All right," he began in a low voice, "if I win this round, I get... that bracelet of yours."
*Why does he want my bracelet?* "And if I win?" Ell prompted, liking the sound of this already.
Arcane stared at her derisively. "Like that's going to happen."
Three rounds went by. "AmVets is going to like these shoes of yours," Ell remarked dryly, admiring the ring on her finger and her new Rolex. "It's off with the shirt next, fun-boy."
"Ha!" Arcane cried. "Triple word score!"
Ell blinked. "What?" She stared down at the board. "'Spermatogenesis'? That's not even a real word!"
"It bloody well is!" Arcane protested. "Now, hmmm..." His eyes gave her a lecherous once-over. "What to choose?"" Ell sighed, rolling her eyes. "All right, all right, so I let you win this one. What's it going to be?"
Arcane just looked straight at her.
"Ohhh..." A wicked grin spread across Ell's lips. "How long has it been,
Anton?" she asked, as they moved closer unconsciously.
His voice was low whisper. "Oooh, you know my name. Watch as I quiver in fright."
"You should--" she began, when their lips touched.
"I barely know anything about you, you know," Arcane murmured, his arms gently around her waist.
"Then it seems like I have the unfair advantage, Frankenstein," she said, her hazel eyes chuckling. "Since I know more of you than you do of me." "Then I must get to know you better, mustn't I?" He tasted her again, drinking her in deeply, as everything flittered out of his control. She was right; it *had* been too long.
Ell traced a finger down the front of his shirt, unfastening the buttons, as he chewed gently on her earlobe. His breath whispered in her ear. "Cutter of the thread of life, you're mine."
Arcane shivered as her hand met the bare skin on his chest, sighing as she toyed with his nipple. His hands caressed her sides, moving down her hips and under the waistband of the loose pants, drawing them down. His fingers slid down her thighs as he kissed her again, as if he wanted to touch and take in every part of her like oxygen. It was so strange... as if he knew her, and she knew him. His fingers slipped up under her shirt, tracing around her breast, brushing her nipple, maliciously teasing. Ell grit her teeth, as the sensations came a little too gently, needing the rush *now*.
"You're evil," she whispered hoarsely.
"You're perceptive," he replied, but his voice was soft, when she kissed him again feverishly. She sighed, feeling a surge of emotion and power as she did so, as if she were drawing up his aura through her nerves. She felt him nibble her as she explored. She smiled, hearing him moan softly, as he tasted her and breathed her, and kissed her neck.
"Always hungry, always taking," she murmured to herself, letting her fingers sift through his hair.
He heard her anyway, and agreed with covetous eyes. "*Always* hungry." He closed his eyes. "Mine."
Somehow, they had made their way to the floor. Ell blinked, need pumping through her, stronger than blood, feeling as if every sense she possessed had been heightened beyond imagining. Without being aware of it, she listened with more than her ears, as pure desire maddened the two of them. *you're mine*
Ell's eyes widened. "What did you say?" she almost asked, but thought better of it. She pressed herself even closer to him, staring up into his eyes, searching. *God, you're so lonely.*
*The hell?!* came a confused thought, but the longing overrode the bewilderment. Whatever had happened, he now felt infinitely more connected to her. He sighed, closing his eyes, promising himself that he wouldn't beg. She stifled a cry as flesh joined flesh in a sweet fusion, and suddenly, it wasn't only his body inside of her, but his mind as well, and her thoughts inside his brain, too. She didn't question what was happening, just let it work for her, as she felt every pleasure stronger and more clearly than ever before. They were involved in a closer intimacy than either of them had previously experienced, as they rose higher and higher. He was going to climax, when he realized she hadn't quite caught up yet.
He was going to have to wait.
A seductive whisper from the depths of his mind lured him. *You're Anton Arcane! You don't have to wait for anybody!*
Yeah, that was right! He didn't have to wait for anyone!
*The hell you don't,* Ell growled into his mind.
Arcane clenched his teeth and tried to dredge up the most disgusting mental pictures he could find. He clung desperately to images of Joe Don Baker, and a peppy Richard Simmons.
The phone rang.
"I'll get it," he mumbled weakly, fumbling around with one hand for the receiver. "Hello?" he managed to croak out.
"Anton! How are you?"
Arcane's eyes widened. "Mumsey?"
"Yes, darling. The nice men in the white coats said I could use the phone on Wednesdays. Why don't you ever call your mother, Anton?"
Sweat broke out in little beads on Arcane's forehead. "Mum, I'm rather busy right now..."
"Too busy to talk to your own mother? For shame, Anton! For SHAME!!!" There was a pause. "You're not having sex with ninjas on the floor of your laboratory again, are you?"
"No, Mumsey..."
"Well, my two minutes are up. Take care, my darling! Ta ta!"
*CLICK*
Ell cried out in ecstasy. The receiver dropped to the floor. The assassin moaned softly, as waves of sweet release washed over the two of them. Arcane whimpered in pleasure and melted into a puddle on the floor. Ell sighed, snuggling against her lover's body as she closed her eyes sleepily. "Well, I've never made love on a cold lab floor before."
"I have," Arcane was about to respond, but thought better of it. He tilted his head toward her. "You were inside my mind then. That's remarkable. How'd you do it?"
"I don't really know how I do that," she confessed.
"Well, when did it first happen?"
"Welllll, I was watching Arsenio Hall one day -- and you know, that gets me all excited -- and suddenly, for that one moment, I *knew* my cat was going to eat my dog."
Arcane looked at her strangely. "How... mystical."
"I don't mean to do it," she admitted. "Sometimes it just kind of happens. I may pick up someone's name, or whatever's on the top of their mind. I don't mind it at all, to tell you the truth. It's worked well for me in the past. But it was *never* that close a link before, ever. I'm not sure why it happened."
Arcane had some theories, but he wasn't about to go into it right when he was enjoying the afterglow. It made him feel all dreamy and pretty. He gazed up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "It's a unique talent, Ell. Take care of it, because it would be a mortal shame if you lost it."
But she was already asleep.
*****
Ell opened her eyes peacefully.
Arcane kissed her. " 'Morning."
She sighed, settling back against him. "How about we both call in sick? I could check my schedule, but I don't think I need to kill anyone today." "Sounds like a lovely plan." His eyes glinted, and he grinned wickedly.
"How about a reprise?"
"Of what, last night?"
"No, the Mariah Carey music. What d' you think?"
"That sounds great, just let me--" She looked up quickly, as the door hissed open.
Arcane's lab assistant, Graham, stared at the two of them for a few minutes before he could find his voice. "Not again!"
Arcane tsked. "Now Graham, don't be rude. That's not a proper way to introduce yourself." He turned over on his side to face his lover. "Ell, this is Graham, master of impeccable timing."
"Hi, Graham!" Ell said cheerfully.
"Hi," Graham replied with a plastered smile. *Home wrecker!* his mind roared. *I'm going to kill her.* His face fell considerably. "I guess you want me to leave now," he grumbled.
"Oh, feel free to stay, Graham," Arcane suggested lazily. "You did that on that other episode."
Graham grumbled some more under his breath, walking over to the far wall. "I guess I'll just stand in the corner, as usual."
"You do that."
All of a sudden, the lights went out. Arcane squinted in the inky blackness. "Ell? Is that your hand?"
Ell blinked in surprise. "No..."
"GRAHAM!" Arcane shouted.
"It wasn't me!" Graham insisted.
Arcane raised an eyebrow, sensing someone else in the room. His eyes widened in horror. *Oh. My. God...* "Holland?"
"It wasn't me," Dr. Alec Holland the Swamp Thing growled in reply. "It sickens me to be *near* you, Arcane. I'd never want to touch you."
"I would," Graham sighed.
Arcane began to choke. He stammered. "Mumsey?"
"Hello, dear! And no, it wasn't me! What kind of sick perverted creature do you take me for? You're just like your father, always blaming me for everything!"
"How many bloody people are in this room?!?!" Arcane shouted.
"It's the writers' doing," Alec grumbled. "Some sort of madness seems to have overtaken them."
"Wait!!" Graham cried, excited, "I found a flashlight!"
Arcane closed his eyes tightly. "That wasn't a flashlight, Graham..."
Graham didn't hear. "It's a pretty small one..."
"Shut up, Graham, and for God's sake, stop trying to turn it on!"
Graham's heart raced. "What, I'm turning you on?" he asked hopefully.
"Do we need to be hearing this?" Alec muttered.
Mrs. Arcane chided him. "Oh, Swampy, you stop. I think it's sweet."
"Shut up, Mumsey!!"
Graham, oblivious to the byplay, stared down through the darkness in disappointment, feeling all of his dreams shatter. He knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep for weeks.
Meanwhile, Ell wasn't stupid. This bald assistant guy had been making puppy eyes at Arcane ever since he walked into the room. She turned to a body that she hoped was Arcane. "I thought we had something special!!!"
Mrs. Arcane sighed. "Oh, my son was always such a cad, dear. You should have expected that from the start. Why, I remember when he was just a tot, and I was changing his diaper, when--"
"That's quite enough, Mother," Arcane said tightly.
Out of the darkness, Graham suggested, "You know, sir, instead of spending all this time thinking of creative ways to kill Dr. Holland, maybe you should have thought of ways to fix your little, um, er, problem..."
"You're fired, Graham."
Ell tried coming to Arcane's defense. "Hey, it's not that bad! I mean... he's... and... well, my last boyfriend -- he's in Intensive Care, right now -- tried doing this... I mean... you could try a vacuum cleaner."
Alec chortled. "More like a dust buster."
"Castrate him!" Mrs. Arcane cried.
Graham stiffened in horror.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone turned to look at Graham(or tried to, since it was still pitch black.)
Graham looked sheepish. "Uh, heh heh..."
Meanwhile, Mrs. Arcane turned toward someone who sounded like Alec Holland. "Oh, hello dear! I remember your voice! You're that cute green fellow who sang at the club!"
Swamp Thing stiffened. How did *she* find out about his secret life as a botanic mutant lounge singer in a swanky little joint just this side of the Mexican border? "Could you sing us a song?" Arcane's mother purred in a croaky sort of way, running a finger down his leafy bicep.
Alec felt a bit bashful, but screwed up some courage. He sighed, grinning(or what passed for one). "Oh, all right."
A spotlight clicked on from above, illuminating his bulky moss-covered form. "A little help?" he asked.
Graham tossed him a microphone. "Here!"
Alec caught it gratefully, and then began. His voice started low and deeper than it's normal orchestra pit baritone. "Iiiiif I... shooooouuld stay... I would only... be in... your waa -ayy..."
There were hoots and cheers from the clump of people on the floor. Graham pumped his fist and howled, Arsenio-style. Mrs. Arcane breathed a dreamy sigh. "So goodbye... please, don't cry... I will think of you... every step of... the waaaa-aayyy..."
Ell groaned. "Great. We've been kidnapped by the Light FM."
"And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII..." Alec howled.
Arcane stared at his nemesis, transfixed, murmuring, "His voice is repulsive... yet strangely... melodic."
Alec finished and took a bow. "Thank you. And now, a piece by Michael Bolton."
Ell screamed and blacked out.
*****
Graham wasn't sure how it happened, but before long, they were all sniffing Aloe Vera. Alec's rich, croaky baritone rumbled and soared throughout the lab, cracking glass accidentally.
"Ohhhh, be kind to your web-footed friends... for a duck may be somebody's mother..."
Arcane didn't seem to mind that his lab was being reduced to a shambles, as he wrapped an arm around his nemesis and lifted his voice also, like a lost "We Are the World" participant on heroin. Or maybe just Aloe Vera. "Be kind to your friends in the swaaaamp... for the weather is cold and daaaamp..." He looked up at his assistant, grinning foolishly. "Take it away, Graham!"
Graham was not amused. "Doctor, don't you think we've all had enough Aloe Vera for one day?"
Arcane ruffled where Graham's hair would have been good-naturedly. "Don't talk nonsense, Graham." He inhaled the translucent blue-green glop's aroma deeply before passing the bottle. "This is wonderful stuff."
"And it's good for your skin, too, dear," Mrs. Arcane chipped in, hanging upside down from the ceiling.
"But doesn't it bother you that Ell has been steadily tying us up and hanging us all upside down from the ceiling while we've been intoxicated?" Graham insisted to his counterparts on the ceiling.
"Don't be crazy, Graham," Ell said, finishing the knot around Arcane's ankles and pulling the rope tightly.
"Well, you maaaaay think that this is the ennnnd..." Alec prompted.
"And... it... ISSSSS!!!" the whole group finished in a kind of chorus-from-hell.
Ell finished clapping and wiped a tear away from her eye. "That was beautiful. It really was."
Alec blushed green.
--the end... or is it? <eg> You'd better hope it is!!!-- ;)