Bar Jokes Page

Jokes last updated on 07 February, 1999 20:17 GMT Standard Time

• A well dressed guy went into a bar for a martini and found
  himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and
  studying something in his hand. The guy leaned closer while the
  drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it
  looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers,
  adding, "But it feels like rubber."
  Curious, the guy asked, "What do you have there?"
  The drunk replied, "Damned if I know, but it looks like plastic
  and feels like rubber."
  The guy said, "Let me take a look."
  So the drunk handed it over. The guy rolled it between his thumb
  and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like
  plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where
  did you get it anyway?"
  The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."

A tramp walks into a pub and asks for a toothpick, the barman sees no harm in this, gives the tramp a toothpick and the tramp leaves. A couple of minutes later another tramp enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the tramp goes on his way. This happens about three times more in the next ten minutes; tramp after tramp asking for a toothpick. The barman is perplexed. Another tramp walks in, this time asking for a straw. The confused barman's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks:
"For the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?'
The tramp replies:
"Well, someone's been sick outside and all the best bits have gone"
(Ben, East London)

• This bloke walks into a pub and asks the barman, "I'll have a pint of lager please" .The barman goes to pull his pint but the barrel is empty, "I'm just going to change the barrel mate, I'll be back in a mo". So while he's waiting the bloke hears a strange voice, "Like your hair mate", the bloke turns round but their ain't anyone there so he just ignores it. Again he hears another voice "Core nice suit mate", again there's no one there. This time he's getting worried when he hears another voice,"Lovely tie mate", now the blokes really worried. The barman returns, "You alright mate he asks the bloke", "No, I keep hearing these strange voices", the barman replies "Oh don't worry they are just the complementary peanuts".
  (Tony Howard, England)

Man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and orders a
pint.  The barman goes "One for the road?"!!!!!!!!

• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
  One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
  The other says, "Are you sure?"
  The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

A neutron walks  into a bar.
"I'd like a beer," he says.
The barman promptly serves him a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you," replies the barman, "No charge"

• A gorilla walks into a pub and orders a pint. The
  barman gives it to him and
  says "That'll be £5." A little later, making
  conversation, the barman says,
  "We don't get many gorillas round in here."
  The gorilla replies, "I'm  not surprised at these prices."

One night, after closing  time a barman is sitting at
his bar minding his own business, when the ghost of
a dog floats in through the door. The barman, being an
exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks, "Yeah, what do
you want?" The spectral hound explains, in a
haunting voice, "I have lost my tail and cannot
rest and must roam the Earth until a kindly barman
stitches it back on for me". At this request the
barman stands back astonished and says to the
phantom dog, "Sorry, but we don't re-tail spirits at
this time of night".

• A horse walks into a bar  and orders a drink. The
  barman gives the horse a drink. Then horse complains
  loudly: "Hey, what sort of a barman are you! You forgot the
  little umbrella!" He finishes his drink and
  gallops out of the bar. After the horse has left,
  another customer, who had been watching the whole
  scene with increasing astonishment, turns to the
  barman and says, "My God, that is
  incredible! I have never seen anything like that
  before, never in my entire life!"
  The barman replies: "For God's sake, what's the big
  deal! Anyone can forget the little umbrella!"

A man and giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe drinks
too much and falls asleep and the man gets up to
leave. The barman calls  after him:
"Hey, you can't leave that lying there!"
The man says, "It's not a  lion, it's a giraffe."

• A pony walks into a pub and
  says: "Barman, may I have a drink?"
  The barman says, "What? I can't hear you,
  speak up!" "May I please have a drink?"
  "What? You'll have to speak up!"
  "Could I please have a drink?"
  "Now listen, if you don't speak up I can't serve you."
  "I'm sorry," replied the pony, "I'm just a little hoarse."
  

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar
in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied
an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits,
wrinkled face.'Who's he?' said the scouser.
'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything.
He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.'
So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English
football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'.
'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man.
'Who did they beat?'
'Leeds' was the reply.
'And the score?' '2-1'
'Who scored the winning goal?'
'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply.
The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home
about the Memory Man when he got back.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the
impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more
wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet
the Indian in his native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting 'How'.
The Memory man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box'.

• A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses
  are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt
  and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
  "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her
  beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress
  turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and
  asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks
  her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes
  over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!"
  and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and
  whispers,"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The
son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first
drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take
another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out.  The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing,
begs his son to drink again.  The patrons chant "take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles
the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and
stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front
door,into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans
his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the
bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

I got home from the pub the other night and I was a bit late, when I opened the front door
the wife was standing there with a rolling pin in her hand, I said "Bit late for cooking dear."

• A polar bear walks into a pub and the barman asks him what he wants, the
  polar bear just stands there looking at him, the barman asks him again, the
  bear still just stands there looking at him.  Again the barman asks him
  what he wants, the bear still stands there just looking at him, the barman
  is getting a bit fed up now and asks him what he wants, again the bear just
  stands there looking at him.  The barman has had enough now and shouts at
  him to just tell him what he wants.  The polar bear says a pint of lager
  please, the barman says why didn't just tell me that to start with, why the
  big pause?????????

I walked into a bar the other day, it really hurt, it was a metal bar.

• I walked into a bar the other day and asked for a glass of orange, the
  barman said "Still?", I said "Yes, I haven't changed my mind."

A horse walked into a bar, the barman said, "Why the long face??."

• A white horse walked into a bar and the barman said, "I don't believe it,
  we have got a whiskey named after you, and the horse replied, "What
  Dave???"

There were two men sitting in a bar, one of the mens dogs was sitting there
cleaning its private parts, one man said, "I wish I could do that", the
other man said, "Well if you ask him nicely".

• I went into one of those Irish pubs the other day and had a glass of coke,
  I aksed the barman for some ice but he said they didn't have any because
  they didn't have the recipe.

Did you hear about the rabbit who went into the same pub every day for a
week and had a different toasted sandwich everyday, one day his ghost
walked into the pub, the bar staff said, "What happened to you??", the
rabbit said, "It must have been because I mixed a me toastie's."

• Did you hear about the ghost who was refused a drink in a bar, the barman
  said that he didn't serve spirits.

A man walks into a bar with a hospital gown on and and a drip plugged into
his arm, he orders a pint of lager and after a couple of sips he says to
the barman, "I shouldn't be having this with what I've got."  "What's that
then?", asks the barman, "2'p replies the man."

• I walked into a bar the other day, they had a chicken for a waiter, I
  thought he looked strange because he was laying tables.

I walked into a really rough pub the other day, the bouncer on the door
asked me if I had any weapons, when I said no he gave me a knife and told
me to be carefull.

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