Misc. Jokes Page

Jokes last updated on 08 March, 1999 11:35 GMT Standard Time

A blond and a brunette are walking down the street.  The brunette says "Oh, look at that poor dead bird!"  The blond looks up into the sky and says "Where?"
(Elissa, England)

Q: What do you think of when you see a blonde with pig tales?
A: A blowjob!
(B.J. Jacobs, Rougemont, N.C., USA):

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIMPLE ON A BLONDE'S BUTT?
A. A BRAIN TUMOR.
(JOSH CHAVES, DENVER, COLORADO ,USA)

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are you shakin for...they're gonna eat me?!?!?!
(Marc, Houlton, Maine, USA)

TWO GUYS WERE WALKING THROUGH A FIELD WHEN THEY SAW A CONDOM ON THE
GROUND. THEY WERE BY A FARM AND SO THEY WENT UP TO FARMERS HOUSE
THINKING IT WAS ON OF HIS COWS UTTERS. THEY KNOCKED ON THE DOOR,ITWAS
ABOUT 4 AM, THE FARMER ASKED IN AN ANGRY VOICE "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
WELL ONE MAN REPLIED "WE HAVE FOUND THIS ON THE GROUND AND THINK IT
MIGHT BE ONE OF YOUR COWS UDDERS AND WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU WOULD PAY
US FOR FINDING IT?"
"WELL", REPLIES THE FARMER "ALRIGHT HERE IS TWENTY CENTS!" AND THEN CLOSED
THE DOOR. AS THE MEN WERE WALKING BACK HOME THEY THOUGHT TO THEMSELVES
MAYBE WE WOULD HAVE MADE MORE MONEY IF WE HADN'T DRANK THE MILK
INSIDE.
(MEGAN KENNEDY)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a
knock at the door.  When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign, you sign!".
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is
standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to
yell louder. "You sign! You sign!".
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke.
Get lost!." and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.  The next
day he hears a knock at the door again. When he
opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of
brake pads.  He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling
"You.sign!  You sign!".  Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by
now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, get
lost!! You've got the wrong bloke!  I don't want them!" then slams the door in
the Japanese man's face again. The following day Nelson is resting, and
late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening
the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his
nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!".  Behind him are TWO large
trucks full of wing mirrors.  Nelson loses his temper completely,
picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I
don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you
want to give these too?" The little Japanese man looks at him a bit
puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"
(Stuart Ingram)

There is a texan guy and a Utahn and they are out horseback riding along a fence and they go on and on for miles and then they stumble across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.  The texan jumps off his horse and starts getting the sheep up the ass, after about 5 minutes the Texan yells at the Utahn and says "Don't you want some of this." and the Utahn jumps off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.
(Rocky Maivia, Price, Utah, USA)

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to
OZ.  After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the
Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?  WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:  "I had a terrible time with Iran, so
I've come for some courage."  "No problem" says the Wizard
"WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard.  "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard.  "Consider it done."
Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"

  1. A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and
    cradling her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
    "Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom. "I cut my hand on
    a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!" Confused, but weary of the
    child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider.
    The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
    "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.
    "What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent,
    "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
    "Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick
    in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"

  2. "The Tale Of Nurse Jenny... "
    "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards."
    said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2
    milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
    He nearly died on us!"  The guy nearly exploded!"  Suddenly, they hear
    a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first
    doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

  3. Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners
    after his Sunday morning service as he always does when
    Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
    "What's bothering  you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
    "Oh, father, I've got terrible news."  Replied Mary.
    "Well what is it, Mary?"
    "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
    "Oh, Mary"  said the father, "that's terrible.  Tell me Mary, did he
    have any last requests?"
    "Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
    "What did he ask, Mary?"
    Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

  4. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
    Linoleum blownapart.
    (The above selection from Anthony Leal, UK)

A bloke takes his Scoda to a garage and asks the mechanic "How can I make my
car GO faster"?  The mechanic replied, "Next time you go shopping, leave the
keys in the ignition".

During the Religious Education class, Sister Mary asked the 4th Graders.
"All right class, what part of your body do you think goes to heaven first?
Little Johnny is the 1st one with his hand up! "Doris", says Sister Mary,"
why don't you tell us what YOU think is the first part of your body that goes
to Heaven!"
"Well Sister Mary, I think that it is your hands because when we pray-all
hands are pointing to heaven" A very nice answer-Thank You Doris" says
Sister Mary.
"Who wants to go next?" says Sister Mary. Little Johnny has his hand up first
again! Then Sister mary says "Michael- tell the class what part of your body
goes to Heaven first". "Sister Mary, I think that it is our eyes, whenwe
pray we look at heaven-so it must be the eyes!" "That's another nice
answer-Thank You Michael" Sister Mary comments.
Okay children, we only have time for one more answer. By now Little Johnny is
half standing up and waving his hand high in the air. "All right Johnny, why
don't you tell us what body part YOU feel goes to Heaven first. "It's
definately your feet Sister. There's no doubt about it!"
"Your feet Johnny? I'm afraid that you are going to have to explain THAT one!
remarks Sister Mary.
"Well Sister, when I walked by my Parent's bedroom, their door was open and I
could see in the room real good. My Mother was laying on her back. Her feet
were HIGH in the air. They were higher than her eyes and they were higher
than her hands. And she was yelling "Lord I'm a 'comin!!!!! And she would
have too, if my Dad wasn't holding her down!!!!!

Someone knicked all of the toilets from a local pub, the police say they
have got nothing to go on.

A guy goes into the hospital for exploratory surgery. Waking up from the
anesteisia he sees his doctor standing at his bed side. "So tell me Doc,
what is did you find out?".
The Doctor says, "Son we have some good news and some bad news." "Yea ,
so???" replies the patient. "Well the good news is that we were able to
save your private parts." "Yes that is good news Doc, but what about the
bad news?"
"We put them under your pillow ..."

Patient: Doctor, Doctor I can't stop singing either "The green green
grass of home" or "Delilah".
Doctor: Sounds like you have a severe case of Tom Jones.
Patient: Is it rare?
Doctor: It's not unusual

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
Sixty is the worst age to be, announced the sixty year old. "You always
feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet
and nothing comes out!"
Ah, that's nothing, said the seventy year old "When you're seventy, you
can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - sit on the
toilet all day and nothing comes out !"
Actually, said the eighty year old "Eighty is the worst age of all."
Do you have trouble peeing too? asked the sixty year old.
"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I piss like a race
horse-no problem at all."
Do you have trouble taking a crap? asked the seventy year old.
No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.
With great exasperation, the sixty year old said "Let me get this
straight.  You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every
morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty ?"
To which the eighty year old replied, "I don't wake up until ten."

Not long ago at the North Pole, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there
were problems everywhere. Four of his elves had gotten sick, and the
trainee elves were just not producing the toys as fast as the regular ones.  Santa was
beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to  visit.  This stressed Santa
out even more.  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and were out
who-knows-where.  More Stress. Then, when he began to load the sleigh one
of the boards cracked and a toy bag fell to the ground, scattering toys everywhere.
Santa was so frustrated that he went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of
whisky.  When he got to the cupboard, he found that the elves had hidden the liquor,
and there was nothing to drink.  In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom but found that mice had eaten the straw it was
made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.  He opened the
door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said:  "Where do you want me to stick this tree, Santa?"
And that, friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
(Bill Dyke)

This girl invites her boyfriend around for dinner to meet her folks.Once at
the dinner table the boyfriend is overcome by this terrible urge to fart and
cant help but to let go and almost immediately her father turns to the dog
sitting under the boys chair  and shouts" Rastos!!!"The dog just looks up at
his owner puts his head down and gos back to sleep.The boyfriend obviosly
relieved caries on thankfull that the dog was blamed. Only minutes later he
farts again and ones again the father turns on the dog. This goes on for much
of the evening and the boyfriend seems to be getting away until he lets out an
almighty fart and the father turns to the dog and shouts "Rastos get out from
under his chair before he craps on you!!!"

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged three ducks. The  warden, who's a stickler for the rules, decided to enforce the hunting permit so he stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill ?" The hunter shrugged his shoulders and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into its rectum, then pulled it out and sniffed it. "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license ?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger into its rectum, then  pulled it out and sniffed it. "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license ?" The hunter, a bit peeved, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license ?"
Once again, the angered hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses... Where the heck are you from anyway ?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You seem to be so damned smart... why don't you tell me !"

There's this guy whos' been stranded on a desert island for ten years without another soul, and one day looking out to sea he see's a woman far off floating in the water. He swims out to save the woman. When he gets her ashore he gives her mouth to mouth resusatation and as she comes round discovers its Claudia Schifer. "Claudia" he says "Ive just saved your life and I've been stuck here without another soul for ten years, would you do something for me, let me kiss you".  Well she thinks he has just saved my life and there is nobody arround to see, so she agrees.    Ten days pass by and on the tenth night he finaly plucks up courage and asks, "Caludia Ive been stuck here for ten years without another soul and I saved your life would you do something for me, would you let me make love to you".  Well she thinks he has just saved my life and there is nobody arround to see, so she agrees.    They make love for the next nine nights and on the tenth night he finaly plucks up courage and asks, "Caludia Ive been stuck here for ten years without another soul and I saved your life would you do something for me, In the morning when you get up and go down to the waters edege to gather fire wood, would you take a piece of burnt wood from the fire and draw a mustach on your top lip".  Well she thinks he has just saved my life and there is nobody arround to see, so she agrees. "Oh and one other thing," he askes, "can I call you Frank"?   In the morning he wakes up and she is down by the waters edge collecting fire wood, he can see she has drawn the mustach on her top lip, he shouts "Hey Frank"! and as she turns towards him he shouts "You'll never guess who I slept with last night."

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very
erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over
and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped
by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something
called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are
quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend
Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't
be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another
bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he
located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step
out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

Q. Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel prize?
A. Apparently he was out-standing in his field!
(Alf Chivers, Waltham Cross, England)

I was walking past an old woman in the street when she said to me,
"Son,can you see me across the street, if it`s not too much bother"
So I curtiously obliged,walked to the other side of the street and answered "Yes I can see you!!" 
(Cara McKerrall, Glasgow,Scotland)

Three brides of Dracula go into a pub.   The first askes the barman for a pint of blood.   The barman appologises, saying that they don't stock blood.   The vampiress doesn't like this reply and tells the barman that if he doesn't serve her what she wants, she will bite him and turn him into a vampire.   At this he says that he'll see what he can do and goes next door to the blackpudding factory and purchaces a barrel of blood, and serves the lady.   The second vampire goes up and askes for a pint of blood, and the barman duly serves her and she goes back to her seat.   Finally the third bride of Dracula goes up and askes the barman for a pint of boiling water, the barman astonished enqires if she is sure that is what she wants, she tells him not to argue, and he duly serves her.   She goes back to her seat, and the other two look at her and ask why a respectable vamp should order hot water at a bar.   She then proceeds to drop her nickers, and pulling out her tampax, dips it in the water and says, "Haven't you ever heard of teabags!"
(P Gahan, UK)

Why have elephants got big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.
(Bruno, Surrey, UK)

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen."  In a huff, the woman slammed her fare
into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong.  "The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me
hold your monkey."
(George Martin, L.A., California, USA)

Bill Clinton was walking down the corridor at the White House when he saw an
unfamiliar face. "Who are you", He asked the young lady. "I'm new here.",
She replied. He looked at her and smiled. "I didn't think I'd come across
your face before."
(Emily Keating, Hampshire)

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House
window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine.
Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found.
Later that day the FBI agents return. "Well sir," says the first
agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's".
The President goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?" "Well
no sir," says the agent, It's the First Lady's handwriting."

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it
was apparentthat they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never
go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made
the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they weremarried.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he
would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small
cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he
still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill
effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large
helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived
home he felt reasonably safe..
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the
head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was
beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to
remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to
peek until she returned and went to  answer the phone. While she was
gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and
let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard
time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised
his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and
smelled worse.To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a
while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned
to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his
other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows
shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on
the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation
in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning
each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly
laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold
and yelled "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner
guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Miss Smith was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness
to all.  The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the
Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.  She invited him
to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass
bowl setting on top of it, filled with water.  In the water  floated,
of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea
had flipped!  But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater,
but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss
Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to
the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful!  I was walking down town
last fall and I found this little package.  It said to put it on your
organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.  And you know, I
think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!"
(George Martin, L.A., California, USA)

Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store to get a loaf of
bread.  Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of
bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket. Along come Priest
Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something
from the bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I
see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand.  What do you
have in the other?" Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo.  She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with
straps.As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),
grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the
pretty lady in the wavy dress.  The husband, noticing the excitement,
suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.  He suggests she pucker her lips,
wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more
excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she
let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the
bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs" ... this drives the
gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have
a headache."

During the 2nd World War there was a curfew where anyone out later than 9.00pm
would be shot on the spot, no questions asked. Paddy was sitting there in his
lookout post when someone cycled past at 8.45pm, Paddy promptly got up
and shot the bloke on the bike. Paddy's mate said, "What are you doing??, it's
only 8.45pm", Paddy said, "I know where he lives and he wouldn't have made it home in time."

One day a fluffy white rabbit was walking down the high street when he saw
a butchers shop. He popped his head in and said, "Got any cabbages??".
The butcher replied and said, "No this is a butcher shop now bugger off."
"O.K" said the rabbit and he bounded off down the road.
The next day the rabbit saw the butchers shop and he popped his head in and
said, "Got any cabbages??". The butcher looked at him and said
"Look I told you yesterday, I`m a butcher not a greengrocers now go away."
"O.K"said the rabbit and off he went. The next day the rabbit saw the butcher and asked him
again. The butcher turned round and said, "Look if you come in here tomorrow
asking for cabbages I will Nail your ears to the floor.", "O.K" said the rabbit.
The next day the rabbit saw the butcher, they looked at each other and the
rabbit said "Got any nails???","No!!" said the butcher.
The rabbit looked at him and said "GOT ANY CABBAGES THEN???"

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised.",
"What's that mean?",
"It means they cut the skin off the end.",
 "How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

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