"Simpsons Quotes"

Any contributions are very welcome.

Special thanks to George Martin, Eli, Connie Duczeminski.

Right now Krusty's up in heaven with all those other great dead celebrities:
John Dillinger, Ty Cobb, Josef Stalin (sigh) I wish I were dead.   -Homer

Class: Lisa likes Nelson etc. Ooner likes Milhouse.   Nobody likes Milhouse, be quiet. -Music Teacher.  

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's
for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs." - Homer

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." - Homer

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out
of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." - Homer

"If you really want something in life you have
to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." - Homer

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems." - Homer

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode!
I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" - Homer

"I want to share something with you - the three
sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.'
Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'" - Homer

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." - Homer

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are
my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" - Homer

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy.
People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.
Well, good night." - Homer

"Son, when you participate in sporting events,
it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." - Homer

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -and it hasn't -
it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling
and foxy boxing and such and such." - Homer

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't
strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed.
That's the American way." - Homer

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned
anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? - Homer

"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I
took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun?
Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" - Homer

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" - Homer

DO RE ME, by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...

"There, there boy...shut up."  - Homer
(This quote is from the epsiode when Bart gets Ladie and gives away Santa's
Little Helper.  He's crying about losing his dog.) -

"Kiss my hairy yellow butt" - Homer

"I can do that but I don't wanna" - Bart

"Press any key to continue, where's the any key?" - Homer

"When the big easy calls you've got to accept the charges." - Bart

Pie mmmmmmmm pie - Homer
Beer mmmmmmmmm beer - Homer
Donuts mmmmmmmmm donuts - Homer

Some of the names Bart has asked for when calling Moe's:
Homer Sexual,  Amanda Hugginkiss, and Hugh Jazz. 

Lisa: "Dad, what would you say if I told you you could lose weight easily
without lifting a finger?"
Homer: "I'd say you are a lying scumbag! Why honey?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose... it's how drunk you get. - Homer

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.  The lesson is,
never try. - Homer

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child,  but
somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs?  Or the bees?  Or
the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees
at you?

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa:  No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa:  No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa:  Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh...ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.  A wonderful...magical animal.

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court,
or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something
old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and  forgot
how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going
to the back seat of my car with the  woman I love, and I won't be
back for ten minutes!

Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're
here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge.  Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it.  I'm outta here. (step step step step
step...slam)
Homer: Okay, brain.  You don't like me, and I don't like you,  but let's
get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer.  They look good, they smell good,
and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)

Getting out of jury duty is easy.  The trick is to say you're
prejudiced against all races.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I
thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But
instead it was dark and disturbing.  Like that movie -- Police
Academy.

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...

(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me.  As an offering,
I present these milk and cookies.  If you wish me to eat them instead,
please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch
munch).

Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle.  Then I
became deeply cynical.

What's the point of going out?  We're just going to wind up back here
anyway.

No,please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids,eat them.

Don't worry, you won't feel a thing,untill I jam this down your throat!

Well, if it isn't my old friend Mr. Mc Greg,with a leg for an arm an an arm
for a leg!

Hi, every body.I'm doctor Nick Riveara!

Them darn democrats-Homer

Oh, Bitch,  Bitch, Bitch-Grandpa Simspon

Excellent-Montgomery Burns

Woof-Santa's Little helper

Meow-Snowbal II

Can't you read the sign?  Call the police!-Bart

I can dress myself-Ralph Wiggum

I think I wet my bed-Ralph Wiggum

Ketchup, Catsup, Ketchup Catsup-Mongomery Burns

I collect match books from glorius nightclubs-Edna Krabapel

Mrs. Krabapel and Principal Skinner were making babies in the closet and
I saw one of the babies and the babie looked at me-Ralph Wiggum

Hey, hey Kids!!-Krusty the Clown

Haw Haw-Nelson Muntz

Oh my god am I pregnant again?-Barney Gumble (Bart Simpsons Guide to Life)

If you beat up MY friend in MY bar, it's a two drink minimum-Moe

"That's because he's stupid" - Homer

Are we there yet?-Granpa Simpson

"Aye carumba" - Bart

"Eat my shorts" - Bart

"Doh!" - Homer

"It LOOKS like ketchup, and it TASTES like ketchup, but brother, it ain't
ketchup!" - Homer

"Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the
start of the rainy seaon.  And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings
me the head of Colonel Montoya." - C.M. Burns, at the Worker of the Week ceremony

"I'm going to be swinging my arms like this, and if any part of
you should happen to get in the way, that's YOUR problem!" - Bart to Lisa

"Can we have a pool, dad, can we have a pool dad, can we have a pool, dad, can
we..."- Bart and Lisa

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