A Tribute to the Great Man
Classic Tommy Cooper Lines

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do
the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your
trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for
the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people
were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today.  They  left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy
an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start
with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain
amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
camp?', I said butchly! 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I
also want  to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said campily! 'Make
your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He
said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one
I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the
dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and  he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he
rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I
swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing
director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What
happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare,
the cab sat there waiting for his tip when Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink
on me."

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