CARBON
DATED
Unearthed after two decades locked
away, the original script about what could have happened during the carbon-freezing
scene in The Empire Strikes Back. Scene: Chewbacca, with C-3PO on his
back, Han Solo and Princess Leia are escorted into the carbon-freezing chamber on Cloud
City. Stormtroopers and Ugnaughts are scattered around, with Darth Vader, Lando and Lobot
hovering about the controls of the freezer. LEIA: It’s bloody freezing in here. HAN: Well, you’re hardly dressed for this kind of thing. LANDO: Sorry about that. I should have remembered I was going to bring you here. CHEWBACCA: Raarrgh! HAN: Language, Chewie! What are you moaning about, anyway, you’re all covered in fur. CHEWBACCA: Raarrgh! HAN: Fair point. I didn’t know that part of you wasn’t as furry. LEIA: What did he say? HAN: You really don’t want to know. They
are all pushed up to the edge of the pit by Stormtroopers.
STORMTROOPER: Move it, you lot. LEIA: Is you’re mother proud of you? STORMTROOPER: You’re forgetting which one of us has the blaster, girly. C-3PO: If I weren’t strapped up on the back of this hairy <DELETED> I’d kick your < DELETED > ass. STORMTROOPER: Who do you think you’re talking to? C-3PO: You, you < DELETED > armoured mini-Hitler. I’ll punch you in the < DELETED > face. And all your mates. HAN: Calm down, golden rod. C-3PO: Don’t call me that you mother< DELETED >! I’ll kick your < DELETED > ass as well! HAN: Yeah, right. Headlines in the Coruscant Press tomorrow - ‘Famous Smuggler gets beaten up by ‘droid with no arms or legs’. C-3PO: I’ve got one < DELETED > arm! That’s more than enough to smear your < DELETED >< DELETED > all over the < DELETED > walls. HAN: Come on then, you tin freak! Let’s go! You and me, right now! Han, although his hands are bound,
starts throwing himself at Chewie and C-3PO. C-3PO’s arm starts floundering around as
he tries to hit Han. He hits Chewie on the back of the head by mistake. CHEWBACCA: Raarrgh! LANDO: Will you lot calm down! HAN: Calm down? You’re about to freeze me in a block of ice! What is there to be calm about? LANDO: It could be worse. HAN: Worse? How the heck could it be worse? I’m about to be freeze dried by my supposed best mate! LANDO: I didn’t plan this. I didn’t want it to happen. LEIA: So how did Vader find out about this freezing chamber, then? LANDO: What? LEIA: How did he find out about this place? Was it part of your conversation? Did it just pop out during a quick bite to eat? There you were, chewing on a bantha steak when Vader says, ‘I’m going to pressure you into betraying your friends, even though you don’t want to, and if you don’t do as I say things will go bad for you. By the way, have you got a carbon-freezing chamber spare?’ LANDO: Pretty much, yeah… HAN: Oh, you couldn’t have just lied to him? LANDO: Hey! Look, I was taken a bit by surprise, you know? LEIA: Yeah, right, the first thing I say when someone walks in on me when I’m taking a shower is ‘the carbon freezing chamber is that way!’ LANDO: If that’s your attitude then I’m not going to tell you how he found out. (Looks away sulkily) HAN and LEIA: (Looking at each other) Oooooh! Get her! C-3PO: I’m still waiting to kick your <DELETED> ass, Solo! Ugnaughts approach and start undoing Han’s binders. HAN: Easy, guys, those things chafe. UGNAUGHT: Sorry about that. LANDO: Right, this is what happens…. VADER: I haven’t really had much to say. LANDO: Oh, I’m sorry… VADER: You’d have though that me, Dark Lord of the Sith and leader of the Imperial Forces would have got to say more. LANDO: Go ahead, knock yourself out. I didn’t mean to steal your thunder. VADER: Ahem. Right… so… how does this thing work? LANDO: We slap Solo in there, lots of gas and stuff, pick him up with those big pincers there, and drop him. VADER: It won’t kill him, will it? HAN: What do you care? VADER: Because your just the test, smart-ass. If it kills you then I won’t be able to use it on Luke Skywalker. LOBOT: This is just a trap for Luke Skywalker? EVERYONE: (Looking at Lobot) Well, duh! LANDO: I employed a moron. LOBOT: Hey, I’ve kind of been kept out the loop this past few hours, I didn’t know. HAN: Can we just get on with this? Stormtroopers drag Han to the freezing
thing. He passionately kisses Leia but is then dragged away. LEIA: I love you. HAN: Oh, your timing sucks. LEIA: What?! HAN: Why didn’t you tell me that before? We could have got it on before I got frozen! LEIA: I didn’t realise how much until now! Anyway, what do you mean ‘get it on’ you chauvinistic pig! STORMTROOPER: Sorry, you pair, but… LEIA: Back off, white boy! This is between him and me! C-3PO: Yeah! Kick his <DELETED> ass, Leia! HAN: All I’m saying is that I spent all that time on Hoth and the Falcon letting you know, dropping little hints… LEIA: Hints? What hints? You’re smarmy remarks? Putting your arms around me when I’m trying to fix your ship? HAN: Hey, I was being romantic! God, you whinge when I don’t, you whinge when I do… LEIA: You scruffy looking nerf-herder! HAN: (Looking at Chewie confused) Was that bit of Déjà vu, then, or what? C-3PO: The crazy <DELETED>< DELETED > has gone out of her < DELETED > head! LEIA: Hey! Don’t gang up on me! VADER: Oh for… just freeze the smuggler before my tea goes cold! You’re all stressing me out! <Off-set> GEORGE LUCAS: I’m not sure about these re-writes. IRVIN KERSHNER: Neither am I. That’s the last time we bring in Woody Allen on a moments notice. RICK McCALLUM: I liked it! NB: This script never existed, Jonathan
Hicks just made it up. You can tell theforce.net it’s true, though, that
would be a laugh. |