Scene 1

 

    [opening music]

    [wind]

    [clop clop clop]

MACE WINDU:  Whoa there!

    [clop clop clop]

SOLDIER #1:  Halt!  Who goes there?

MACE:  It is I, Mace, son of Jules, from the homestead of Coruscant.  Jedi Knight of the Jedi, defeater of the Sith, Sovereign of all Imperial City!

SOLDIER #1:  Pull the other one!

MACE:  I am,... and this is my trusty servant Yoda.  We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of Jedi Knights who will join me in my temple at Coruscant.  I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER #1:  What?  Ridden on a Ronto?

MACE:  Yes!

SOLDIER #1:  You're using coconuts!

MACE:  What?

SOLDIER #1:  You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

MACE:  So?  We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the Jedi Knightdom of Hoth, through--

SOLDIER #1:  Where'd you get the coconuts?

MACE:  We found them.

SOLDIER #1:  Found them?  On Hoth?  The coconut's tropical!

MACE:  What do you mean?

SOLDIER #1:  Well, this is a temperate zone.

MACE:  The Peko Peko may travel south with the sun or the Mnu Mnu or the Wampa may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

SOLDIER #1:  Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

MACE:  Not at all.  They could be carried.

SOLDIER #1:  What?  A Peko Peko carrying a coconut?

MACE:  It could grip it by the husk!

SOLDIER #1:  It's not a question of where he grips it!  It's a simple question of weight ratios!  A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

MACE:  Well, it doesn't matter.  Will you go and tell your master that Mace from the Court of Coruscant is here?

SOLDIER #1:  Listen.  In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a Peko Peko needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

MACE:  Please!

SOLDIER #1:  Am I right?

MACE:  I'm not interested!

SOLDIER #2:  It could be carried by an Alderaanian Peko Peko!

SOLDIER #1:  Oh, yeah, an Alderaanian Peko Peko maybe, but not a Naboo Peko Peko.  That's my point.

SOLDIER #2:  Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

MACE:  Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Coruscant?!

SOLDIER #1:  But then of course a-- African Peko Pekos are non-migratory.

SOLDIER #2:  Oh, yeah.

SOLDIER #1:  So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.

    [clop clop clop]

SOLDIER #2:  Wait a minute!  Supposing two Peko Pekos carried it together?

SOLDIER #1:  No, they'd have to have it on a line.

SOLDIER #2:  Well, simple!  They'd just use a strand of creeper!

SOLDIER #1:  What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

SOLDIER #2:  Well, why not?

 

Scene 2

 

    [thud]

    [clang]

SWOOP MASTER:  Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [cough cough...]

    [clang]

    [...cough cough]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!  Ninepence.

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

    [clang]

     Bring out...

    [rewr!]

    ...your dead!

    [rewr!]

    [clang]

    Bring out your dead!

CUSTOMER:  Here's one.

SWOOP MASTER:  Nine credits.

DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!

SWOOP MASTER:  What?

CUSTOMER:  Nothing.  Here's your nine credits.

DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!

SWOOP MASTER:  'Ere.  He says he's not dead!

CUSTOMER:  Yes, he is.

DEAD PERSON:  I'm not!

SWOOP MASTER:  He isn't?

CUSTOMER:  Well, he will be soon.  He's very ill.

DEAD PERSON:  I'm getting better!

CUSTOMER:  No, you're not.  You'll be stone dead in a moment.

SWOOP MASTER:  Oh, I can't take him like that.  It's against regulations.

DEAD PERSON:  I don't want to go on the swoop!

CUSTOMER:  Oh, don't be such a baby.

SWOOP MASTER:  I can't take him.

DEAD PERSON:  I feel fine!

CUSTOMER:  Well, do us a favour.

SWOOP MASTER:  I can't.

CUSTOMER:  Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes?  He won't be long.

SWOOP MASTER:  No, I've got to go to the Skywalkers.  They've lost nine today.

CUSTOMER:  Well, when's your next round?

SWOOP MASTER:  Thursday.

DEAD PERSON:  I think I'll go for a walk.

CUSTOMER:  You're not fooling anyone, you know.  Look.  Isn't there something you can do?

DEAD PERSON:  [singing]  I feel happy.  I feel happy.

    [whop]

CUSTOMER:  Ah, thanks very much.

SWOOP MASTER:  Not at all.  See you on Thursday.

CUSTOMER:  Right.  All right.

    [howl]

    [clop clop clop]

    Who's that, then?

SWOOP MASTER:  I dunno.  Must be an Emperor.

CUSTOMER:  Why?

SWOOP MASTER:  He hasn't got shit all over him.

 

Scene 3

 

    [thud]

    [Mace Windu music]

    [thud thud thud]

    [Mace Windu music stops]

MACE:  Old woman!

LANDO:  Man!

MACE:  Man.  Sorry.  What Jedi Knight lives in that fortress over there?

LANDO:  I'm thirty-seven.

MACE:  I-- what?

LANDO:  I'm thirty-seven.  I'm not old.

MACE:  Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

LANDO:  Well, you could say 'Lando'.

MACE:  Well, I didn't know you were called 'Lando'.

LANDO:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

MACE:  I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--

LANDO:  What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

MACE:  Well, I am a Jedi Jedi Knight!

LANDO:  Oh, Jedi Knight, eh, very nice.  And how d'you get that, eh?  By exploiting the workers!  By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.  If there's ever going to be any progress with the--

WOMAN:  Lando, there's some Zuckuss filth down here.  Oh!  How d'you do?

MACE:  How do you do, good lady?  I am Mace, Jedi Knight of the Republic.  Whose fortress is that?

WOMAN:  Jedi Knight of the who?

MACE:  The Republic.

WOMAN:  Who are the Republic?

MACE:  Well, we all are.  We are all Republic, and I am your Jedi Knight.

WOMAN:  I didn't know we had a Jedi Knight.  I thought we were an autonomous collective.

LANDO:  You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--

WOMAN:  Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.

LANDO:  That's what it's all about.  If only people would hear of--

MACE:  Please!  Please, good people.  I am in haste.  Who lives in that fortress?

WOMAN:  No one lives there.

MACE:  Then who is your lord?

WOMAN:  We don't have a lord.

MACE:  What?

LANDO:  I told you.  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.  We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,...

MACE:  Yes.

LANDO:  ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...

MACE:  Yes, I see.

LANDO:  ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...

MACE:  Be quiet!

LANDO:  ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--

MACE:  Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!

WOMAN:  Order, eh?  Who does he think he is?  Heh.

MACE:  I am your Jedi Knight!

WOMAN:  Well, I didn't vote for you.

MACE:  You don't vote for Jedi Knights.

WOMAN:  Well, how did you become Jedi Knight, then?

MACE:  The Lady of the Jedi Temple,...

    [angels sing]

    ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft the sacred lightsabre from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Mace, was to carry Excalibur.

    [singing stops]

    That is why I am your Jedi Knight!

LANDO:  Listen.  Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.  Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

MACE:  Be quiet!

LANDO:  Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

MACE:  Shut up!

LANDO:  I mean, if I went 'round saying I was Emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

MACE:  Shut up, will you?  Shut up!

LANDO:  Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

MACE:  Shut up!

LANDO:  Oh!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!  Help!  Help!  I'm being repressed!

MACE:  Bloody peasant!

LANDO:  Oh, what a give-away.  Did you hear that?  Did you hear that, eh?  That's what I'm on about.  Did you see him repressing me?  You saw it,

    didn't you?

 

Scene 4

 

    [Mace Windu music]

    [music stops]

DARTH VADER:  Aaaagh!

    [Mace Windu music]

    [music stops]

DARTH VADER:  Aaagh!

DARTH MAUL:  Ooh!

    [Mace Windu music]

    [music stops]

    [stab]

DARTH VADER:  Aagh!

DARTH MAUL:  Oh!

    [Mace Windu music]

    Ooh!  Uuh.

    [music stops]

DARTH VADER:  Aaaagh!

    [clang]

DARTH VADER and DARTH MAUL:  Agh!, oh!, etc.

DARTH MAUL:  Aaaaaah!  Aaaaaaaaah!

    [woosh]

    [DARTH VADER kills DARTH MAUL]

    [thud]

    [scrape]

DARTH VADER:  Umm!

    [clop clop clop]

MACE:  You fight with the strength of many men, Lord.

    [pause]

    I am Mace, Jedi Knight of the Republic.

    [pause]

    I seek the finest and the bravest Jedi Knights in the land to join me in my court at Coruscant.

    [pause]

    You have proved yourself worthy.  Will you join me?

    [pause]

    You make me sad.  So be it.  Come, Yoda.

DARTH VADER:  None shall pass.

MACE:  What?

DARTH VADER:  None shall pass.

MACE:  I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.

DARTH VADER:  Then you shall die.

MACE:  I command you, as Jedi Knight of the Republic, to stand aside!

DARTH VADER:  I move for no man.

MACE:  So be it!

MACE and DARTH VADER:  Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.

    [MACE chops the DARTH VADER's left arm off]

MACE:  Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

DARTH VADER:  'Tis but a scratch.

MACE:  A scratch?  Your arm's off!

DARTH VADER:  No, it isn't.

MACE:  Well, what's that, then?

DARTH VADER:  I've had worse.

MACE:  You liar!

DARTH VADER:  Come on, you pansy!

    [clang]

    Huyah!

    [clang]

    Hiyaah!

    [clang]

    Aaaaaaaah!

    [MACE chops the DARTH VADER's right arm off]

MACE:  Victory is mine!

    [kneeling]

    We thank Thee power of the Force, that in Thy mer--

DARTH VADER:  Hah!

    [kick]

    Come on, then.

MACE:  What?

DARTH VADER:  Have at you!

    [kick]

MACE:  Eh.  You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

DARTH VADER:  Oh, had enough, eh?

MACE:  Look, you stupid bastard.  You've got no arms left.

DARTH VADER:  Yes, I have.

MACE:  Look!

DARTH VADER:  Just a flesh wound.

    [kick]

MACE:  Look, stop that.

DARTH VADER:  Womp Rat!

    [kick]

    Woooommpp Raaaattt!

MACE:  Look, I'll have your leg.

    [kick]

    Right!

    [whop]

    [MACE chops the DARTH VADER's right leg off]

DARTH VADER:  Right.  I'll do you for that!

MACE:  You'll what?

DARTH VADER:  Come here!

MACE:  What are you going to do, bleed on me?

DARTH VADER:  I'm invincible!

MACE:  You're a looney.

DARTH VADER:  Darth Vader always triumphs!  Have at you!  Come on, then.

    [whop]

    [MACE chops DARTH VADER's last leg off]

DARTH VADER:  Oh?  All right, we'll call it a draw.

MACE:  Come, Yoda.

DARTH VADER:  Oh.  Oh, I see.  Running away, eh?  You yellow bastards!  Come back here and take what's coming to you.  I'll bite your legs off!

 

Scene 5

 

PADAWANS:  [chanting]  Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

    [bonk]

    Pie Iesu domine,...

    [bonk]

    ...dona eis requiem.

    [bonk]

    Pie Iesu domine,...

    [bonk]

    ...dona eis requiem.

CROWD:  A smuggler!  A smuggler!

    [bonk]

    A smuggler!  A smuggler!

PADAWANS:  [chanting]  Pie Iesu domine...

CROWD:  A smuggler!  A smuggler!  A smuggler!  A smuggler!  We've found a smuggler!  A smuggler!  A smuggler!  A smuggler!  A smuggler!  We've got a smuggler!  A smuggler!  A smuggler!

    Burn her!  Burn her!  Burn her!  We've found a smuggler!  We've found a smuggler!  A smuggler!  A smuggler!  A smuggler!

VILLAGER #1:  We have found a smuggler.  May we burn her?

CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!  Burn her!  Burn her!

LOBOT:  How do you know she is a smuggler?

VILLAGER #2:  She looks like one.

CROWD:  Right!  Yeah!  Yeah!

LOBOT:  Bring her forward.

SMUGGLER:  I'm not a smuggler.  I'm not a smuggler.

LOBOT:  Uh, but you are dressed as one.

SMUGGLER:  They dressed me up like this.

CROWD:  Augh, we didn't!  We didn't...

SMUGGLER:  And this isn't my freighter.  It's a false one.

LOBOT:  Well?

VILLAGER #1:  Well, we did do the freighter.

LOBOT:  The freighter?

VILLAGER #1:  And the Wookie, but she is a smuggler!

VILLAGER #2:  Yeah!

CROWD:  We burn her!  Right!  Yeaaah!  Yeaah!

LOBOT:  Did you dress her up like this?

VILLAGER #1:  No!

VILLAGER #2 and 3:  No.  No.

VILLAGER #2:  No.

VILLAGER #1:  No.

VILLAGERS #2 and #3:  No.

VILLAGER #1:  Yes.

VILLAGER #2:  Yes.

VILLAGER #1:  Yes.  Yeah, a bit.

VILLAGER #3:  A bit.

VILLAGERS #1 and #2:  A bit.

VILLAGER #3:  A bit.

VILLAGER #1:  She has got a blaster.

RANDOM:  [cough]

LOBOT:  What makes you think she is a smuggler?

VILLAGER #3:  Well, she turned me into a spice addict.

LOBOT:  A spice addict?

VILLAGER #3:  I got better.

VILLAGER #2:  Burn her anyway!

VILLAGER #1:  Burn!

CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!  Burn her!...

LOBOT:  Quiet!  Quiet!  Quiet!  Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether she is a smuggler.

VILLAGER #1:  Are there?

VILLAGER #2:  Ah?

VILLAGER #1:  What are they?

CROWD:  Tell us!  Tell us!...

LOBOT:  Tell me.  What do you do with smugglers?

VILLAGER #2:  Burn!

VILLAGER #1:  Burn!

CROWD:  Burn!  Burn them up!  Burn!...

LOBOT:  And what do you burn apart from smugglers?

VILLAGER #1:  More smugglers!

VILLAGER #3:  Shh!

VILLAGER #2:  Wood!

LOBOT:  So, why do smugglers burn?

    [pause]

VILLAGER #3:  B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?

LOBOT:  Good!  Heh heh.

CROWD:  Oh, yeah.  Oh.