Narrative Interlude NARRATOR: The wise Sir Lobot was the first to join Mace
Windu's Jedi Knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Bib Fortuna the
Brave, Sir Jar Jar Binks the Pure, and Sir
Boba the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Bib Fortuna, who had nearly fought the Rancor of
Dathomir, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Space Slug of Annoat, and who had
personally wet himself at the Battle of Endor, and the aptly named Sir
Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose
names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Jedi
Temple. Scene 6 [clop clop clop] SIR LOBOT: And that, my liege, is how we know Corscant to be
banana-shaped. MACE: This new learning amazes me, Sir Lobot. Explain again how Tauntaun’s bladders may be
employed to prevent quakes. LOBOT: Oh, certainly, sir. SIR BIB
FORTUNA: Look, my liege! [trumpets] MACE: Coruscant! SIR JAR JAR
BINKS: Coruscant! BIB FORTUNA: Coruscant! YODA: It's only a CGI model. MACE: Shh! Knights,
I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us
ride... to... Coruscant! [in medieval hall] KNIGHTS: [singing] We're Knights of the Jedi Temple. We dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Coruscant. We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. [dancing] We're Knights of the Jedi Temple. Our shows are formidable, But many times we're given rhymes That are quite unsingable. We're opera mad in Coruscant. We sing from the diaphragm a lot. [in dungeon] PRISONER: [clap clap clap clap] [in medieval hall] KNIGHTS: [tap-dancing] In war we're tough and able, Quite indefatigable. Between our quests we sequin vests and
impersonate Clark Gable. It's a busy life in Coruscant. MAN: I have to push the pram a lot. [outdoors] MACE: Well, on second thought, let's not go to
Coruscant. It is a silly place. KNIGHTS: Right. Right. Scene 7 [clop clop clop] [boom boom] [angels sing] OBI WAN KENOBI: Mace! Mace,
Jedi Knight of the Republic! Oh, don't
grovel! [singing stops] One thing I can't stand, it's people
groveling. MACE: Sorry. [boom] OBI WAN KENOBI: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry
this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'. [boom] What are you doing now?! MACE: I'm averting my eyes, O master. OBI WAN KENOBI: Well, don't.
It's like those miserable Prophesies-- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off! MACE: Yes, master. OBI WAN KENOBI: Right! Mace,
Jedi Knight of the Republic, your Knights of the Jedi Temple shall have a task to make
them an example in these dark times. MACE: Good idea, O master! OBI WAN KENOBI: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! [angels sing] Mace, this is the Holy Holocron. Look well, Mace, for it is your sacred task to
seek this Holocron. That is your purpose,
Mace: the quest for the Holy Holocron. [boom] [singing stops] BIB FORTUNA: A blessing! A
blessing from our master! JAR JAR BINKS: Obi Wan Kenobi be praised! Scene 8 [Mace Windu music] [clop clop clop] MACE: Halt! [horn] Hallo! [pause] Hallo! BESPIN GUARD: Allo! Who
is eet? MACE: It is Mace Windu, and these are my Knights of the
Jedi Temple. Who's fortress is this? BESPIN GUARD: This is the fortress of my master, Jabba the Hutt. MACE: Go and tell your master that we have been charged
by Obi Wan Kenobi with a sacred quest. If he
will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy
Holocron. BESPIN GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be
very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see. MACE: What? JAR JAR BINKS: He says they've already got one! MACE: Are you sure he's got one? BESPIN GUARD: Oh, yes. It's
very nice-a. (I told him we already got
one.) BESPIN GUARDS: [chuckling] MACE: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look? BESPIN GUARD: Of course not!
You are Republic types-a! MACE: Well, what are you, then? BESPIN GUARD: I'm Bespin! Why
do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly Jedi Knight-a?! JAR JAR BINKS: What are you doing on Coruscant? BESPIN GUARD: Mind your own business! MACE: If you will not show us the Holocron, we shall
take your fortress by force! BESPIN GUARD: You don't frighten us, Republic pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Mace Jedi Knight,
you and all your silly Republic k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt! JAR JAR BINKS: What a strange person. MACE: Now look here, my good man-- BESPIN GUARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty
headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in
your general direction! Your mother was a
Rodian and your Boss Nass smelt of elderberries! JAR JAR BINKS: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? BESPIN GUARD: No. Now,
go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! [sniff] MACE: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. BESPIN GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.) OTHER BESPIN
GUARD: Quoi? BESPIN GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!) [mooo] MACE: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twong] [mooooooo] Mon Mothma! KNIGHTS: Mothma! [thud] Ah!
Ohh!... MACE: Right! Charge! KNIGHTS: Charge! [mayhem] BESPIN GUARD: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go. [mayhem] BESPIN GUARD: And this one's for your dad! MACE: Run away! KNIGHTS: Run away! BESPIN GUARD: Thppppt! BESPIN GUARDS: [taunting] BIB FORTUNA: Fiends! I'll
tear them apart! MACE: No, no. No,
no. LOBOT: Sir! I
have a plan, sir. [later] [wind] [saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw
saw saw saw saw saw saw saw] [clunk] [bang] [rewr!] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak
squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak] [rrrr rrrr rrrr] [drilllll] [sawwwww] [clunk] [crash] [clang] [squeak squeak squeak squeak
squeak...] [creak] BESPIN GUARDS: [whispering]
C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh,
un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On
y va. Bon magne. Over here... [squeak squeak squeak squeak
squeak...] [clllank] MACE: What happens now? LOBOT: Well, now, uh, Bib Fortuna, Jar Jar Binks, and I,
uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the Bespin Guards, uh,
by surprise. Not only by surprise, but
totally unarmed! MACE: Who leaps out? LOBOT: U-- u-- uh, Bib Fortuna, Jar Jar Binks, and I, uh,
leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh... MACE: Ohh. LOBOT: Oh. Um,
l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden Eopie-- [clank] [twong] MACE: Run away! KNIGHTS: Run away! Run
away! Run away! Run away! Run
away! Run away! Run away! [CRASH] BESPIN GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw
haw heh... Scene 9 [clack] VOICE: Picture for Schools, take eight. GEORGE LUCAS: Action! RICK MACULLUM: Defeat at the fortress seems to have utterly
disheartened Mace Windu. The ferocity of the
Bespin taunting took him completely by surprise, and
Mace became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Holocron
were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Mace, having consulted his closest knights, decided that
they should separate and search for the Holocron individually. [clop clop clop] Now, this is what they did: Bib Fortuna-- KNIGHT: Aaaah! [slash] [KNIGHT kills RICK MACULLUM] RICK MACULLUMS
WIFE: Rick! Scene 10 [trumpets] NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Boba. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Boba rode north, through the dark forest of
Endor, accompanied by his favourite Sy
Snootless. SY SNOOTLES: [singing] Bravely
bold Sir Boba rode forth from Coruscant. He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir
Boba. He was not at all afraid to be killed
in nasty ways, Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Boba! He was not in the least bit scared to
be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out and his
elbows broken, To have his kneecaps split and his
body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled,
brave Sir Boba! His head smashed in and his heart cut
out And his liver removed and his bowels
unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom
burned off And his pen-- SIR BOBA: That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now,
lads. Heh.
Looks like there's dirty work afoot. LANDO: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving
freedom. WOMAN: Oh, Lando, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud. FODE AND BEDE
AND WATTO: Halt! Who art thou? SY SNOOTLES: [singing] He
is brave Sir Boba, brave Sir Boba, who-- BOBA: Shut up! Um,
n-- n-- n-- nobody, really. I'm j-- j-- j--
ju-- just, um-- just passing through. FODE AND BEDE
AND WATTO: What do you want? SY SNOOTLES: [singing] To
fight and-- BOBA: Shut up! Um,
oo, a-- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh-- j-- j-- just-- just to, um-- just to p--
pass through, good Sir Knight. FODE AND BEDE
AND WATTO: I'm afraid not! BOBA: Ah. W--
well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Jedi Temple. FODE AND BEDE
AND WATTO: You're a Knight of the Jedi
Temple? BOBA: I am. FODE : In that case, I shall have to kill you. WATTO: Shall I? BEDE : Oh, I don't think so. WATTO: Well, what do I think? FODE : I think kill him. BEDE : Oh, let's be nice to him. FODE : Oh, shut up. BOBA: Perhaps I could-- FODE : And you. Oh,
quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off! BEDE : Oh, cut your own head off! WATTO: Yes, do us all a favour! FODE : What? BEDE : Yapping on all the time. WATTO: You're lucky.
You're not next to him. FODE : What do you mean? WATTO: You snore! FODE : Oh, I don't.
Anyway, you've got bad breath. WATTO: Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth. BEDE : Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea. FODE : Oh, all right.
All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have Flameout and
Cockons . WATTO: Yes. BEDE : Oh, not Cockons. FODE : All right. All
right, not Cockons, but let's kill him anyway. FODE AND BEDE
AND WATTO: Right! WATTO: He buggered off. BEDE : So he has. He's
scarpered. SY SNOOTLES: [singing] Brave
Sir Boba ran away, BOBA: No! SY SNOOTLES: [singing] Bravely
ran away, away. BOBA: I didn't! SY SNOOTLES: [singing] When
danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. BOBA: No! SY SNOOTLES: [singing] Yes,
brave Sir Boba turned about BOBA: I didn't! SY SNOOTLES: [singing] And
gallantly, he wompened out. Bravely taking to
his feet, BOBA: I never did! SY SNOOTLES: [singing] He
beat a very brave retreat, BOBA: All lies! SY SNOOTLES: [singing] Bravest
of the brave, Sir Boba. BOBA: I never! Cartoon CARTOON
PADAWANS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. CARTOON
CHARACTER: Heh heh heeh ooh... [twang] CARTOON
PADAWANS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine,... CARTOON
CHARACTERS: Wayy! [splash] Ho ho.
Woa, wayy! [twang] [splash] Heh heh heh heh ho! Heh heh heh! CARTOON
PADAWANS: [chanting] ...dona eis requiem. CARTOON
CHARACTER: Wayy! [twang] Wayy! [twang] VOICE: [whispering]
Forgive me, for I have sinned. CARTOON
CHARACTER: Oh!
Oooo. Scene 11 [trumpets] NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Jar Jar Binks. [boom] [wind] [howl] [howl] [boom] [angels singing] [howl] [boom] [howl] [boom] [pound pound pound] JAR JAR BINKS: Open the door!
Open the door! [pound pound pound] In the name of Mace Windu, open the
door! [creak] [thump] [creak] [boom] GIRLS: Hello! SALACIOUS: Welcome, gentle Jedi Knight. Welcome to the Fortress Carbonite. JAR JAR BINKS: The Fortress Carbonite? SALACIOUS: Yes. Oh,
it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we
are nice and we will attend to your every, every need! JAR JAR BINKS: You are the keepers of the Holy Holocron? SALACIOUS: The what? JAR JAR BINKS: The Holocron.
It is here. SALACIOUS: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Ugnaught! Ewok! UGNAUGHT and
EWOK: Yes, O Salacious? SALACIOUS: Prepare a bed for our guest. UGNAUGHT and
EWOK: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank
you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank
you!... SALACIOUS: Away! Away,
varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft
and very, very big. JAR JAR BINKS: Well, look, I-- I, uh-- SALACIOUS: What is your name, handsome knight? JAR JAR BINKS: 'Sir Jar Jar Binks... the Chaste'. SALACIOUS: Mine is 'Salacious'. Just 'Salacious'.
Oh, but come. JAR JAR BINKS: Look, please!
In Obi Wan Kenobi's name, show me the Holocron! SALACIOUS: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious. JAR JAR BINKS: No, look. I
have seen it! It is here in this-- SALACIOUS: Sir Jar Jar Binks!
You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. JAR JAR BINKS: Well, I-- I, uh-- SALACIOUS: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and
quiet compared to yours. We are but eight
score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in
this fortress with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing,
undressing, making exciting underwear. We are
just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You
may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded! JAR JAR BINKS: No, no. It's--
it's nothing. SALACIOUS: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please!
Lie down. [clap clap] BOSSK: Well, what seems to be the trouble? JAR JAR BINKS: They're doctors?! SALACIOUS: Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes. JAR JAR BINKS: B-- but-- SALACIOUS: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Bossk!
Doctor Dengar! Practise your art. DENGAR: Try to relax. JAR JAR BINKS: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? BOSSK: We must examine you. JAR JAR BINKS: There's nothing wrong with that! BOSSK: Please. We
are doctors. JAR JAR BINKS: Look! This
cannot be. I am sworn to chastity. BOSSK: Back to your bed!
At once! JAR JAR BINKS: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Holocron! BOSSK: There's no Holocron here. JAR JAR BINKS: I have seen it!
I have seen it! [clank] I have seen-- GIRLS: Hello. JAR JAR BINKS: Oh. GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello. JAR JAR BINKS: Salacious! CRUMB: No, I am Salacious's identical twin sister, Crumb. JAR JAR BINKS: Oh, well, excuse me, I-- CRUMB: Where are you going? JAR JAR BINKS: I seek the Holocron! I have seen it, here in this fortress! CRUMB: Oh, no. Oh,
no! Bad, bad Salacious! JAR JAR BINKS: Well, what is it? CRUMB: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Salacious! She has been setting alight to our homing beacon,
which, I have just remembered, is Holocron-shaped. It's
not the first time we've had this problem. JAR JAR BINKS: It's not the real Holocron? CRUMB: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Salacious! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it,
but now, we're glad. It's better than some of
the previous scenes, I think. FODE : At least ours was better visually. LANDO: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes. OLD MAN: Get on with it. 4-LOM THE
ENCHANTER: Yes, get on with it! ARMY OF JEDI
KNIGHTS: Yes, get on with it! CRUMB: Oh, I am enjoying this scene. OBI WAN KENOBI: Get on with it! CRUMB: [sigh] [clunk] Oh, wicked, wicked Salacious. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the
penalty, and here in Fortress Carbonite, we have but one punishment for setting alight the
Holocron-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her. GIRLS: A spanking! A
spanking! CRUMB: You must spank her well, and after you have
spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me. 1G-88: And spank me. AURRA SING: And me. ZUCKUSS: And me. CRUMB: Yes. Yes,
you must give us all a good spanking! GIRLS: A spanking! A
spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight! CRUMB: And after the spanking, the oral sex. GIRLS: The oral sex!
The oral sex! JAR JAR BINKS: Well, I could stay a bit longer. BIB FORTUNA: Sir Jar Jar Binks! JAR JAR BINKS: Oh, hello. BIB FORTUNA: Quick! JAR JAR BINKS: What? BIB FORTUNA: Quick! JAR JAR BINKS: Why? BIB FORTUNA: You are in great peril! CRUMB: No, he isn't. BIB FORTUNA: Silence, foul temptress! JAR JAR BINKS: You know, she's got a point. BIB FORTUNA: Come on! We
will cover your escape! JAR JAR BINKS: Look, I'm fine! BIB FORTUNA: Come on! GIRLS: Sir Jar Jar Binks! JAR JAR BINKS: No. Look,
I can tackle this lot single-handed! CRUMB: Yes! Let
him tackle us single-handed! GIRLS: Yes! Let
him tackle us single-handed! BIB FORTUNA: No, Sir Jar Jar Binks. Come on! JAR JAR BINKS: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily. CRUMB: Oh, yes. Let
him handle us easily. GIRLS: Yes. Let
him handle us easily. BIB FORTUNA: No. Quick! Quick! JAR JAR BINKS: Please! I
can defeat them! There's only a
hundred-and-fifty of them! CRUMB: Yes! Yes,
he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance. GIRLS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily... [boom] CRUMB: Oh, shit. BIB FORTUNA: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril. JAR JAR BINKS: I don't think I was. BIB FORTUNA: Yes, you were.
You were in terrible peril. JAR JAR BINKS: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. BIB FORTUNA: No, it's too perilous. JAR JAR BINKS: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much
peril as I can. BIB FORTUNA: No, we've got to find the Holy Holocron. Come on! JAR JAR BINKS: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril? BIB FORTUNA: No. It's
unhealthy. JAR JAR BINKS: I bet you're gay. BIB FORTUNA: No, I'm not. Narrative
Interlude NARRATOR: Sir Bib Fortuna had saved Sir Jar Jar Binks from
almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Holocron. Meanwhile, Mace Windu and Sir Lobot, not more than
a Peko Peko's flight away, had discovered something.
Oh, that's an unladen Peko Peko's flight, obviously.
I mean, they were more than two laden Peko Pekos' flights away-- four, really, if
they had a coconut on a line between them. I
mean, if the birds were walking and dragging-- CROWD: Get on with it! NARRATOR: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Mace discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any Peko Pekos, although I think you can hear a Mantigrue-- oooh! |