WHAT IF LUKE ACCEPTED VADER’S PROPOSAL?

CUT TO: Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are standing on the vane in the main shaft of Cloud City. Luke, minus a hand, holds precariously to the mast.

VADER: (Hand outstretched) I am your father.

LUKE: (shocked and scared) No. It’s not true. That’s impossible.

VADER: Search your feelings, you know it be true.

LUKE: No!

VADER: Luke. You can destroy the Emperor; he has foreseen this. You don’t know the power of the Dark Side. Join me, and together we will rule the galaxy as father and son!

LUKE: (Pondering) The whole galaxy?

VADER: Yes.

LUKE: Every star system?

VADER: Even the ones with the big useless gas giants that nobody visits.

LUKE: Well… I’m not sure. Is there a health plan?

VADER: A health plan? What do you need a bloody health plan for? You’ll be ruling the galaxy!

LUKE: What about paid holiday? Do I get paid holiday?

VADER: Yes!

LUKE: How much?

VADER: Does it matter? You’ll be omnipotent. You could take off half the year, and who would say anything? Besides, it’s got to be better than the Rebel Alliance. Don’t go here, don’t go there, hide here, run away. Honestly, it’s pathetic. And I bet the pension scheme isn’t up to much, is it?

LUKE: That’s true. It kind of depended on whether we won the war or not. Will I get an office?

VADER: Right on the plaza. Your window will overlook the whole planet.

LUKE: Will it have an en suite?

VADER: (sarcastically) Bloody hell, you don’t want much, do you?

LUKE: Well, if I’m going to be part of what will tantamount to Vader and Son, I’m going to want to be sure I’m getting a good deal. I mean, I don’t want to be stuck in a broom cupboard office somewhere whilst dad gets to put his feet up in a big swanky office, do I? If this is going to work, then I’m going to need some guarantees.

VADER: Such as?

LUKE: Well, I’m going to have to have my lawyers look at the employment contracts. And what about notice to the Alliance?

VADER: Did you sign a contract with the Rebels?

LUKE: Actually, no.

VADER: Then there’s no notice needed. If there is no signed contract with them then you are not obliged to give any notice, although a formal resignation might be a good idea to make sure you don’t burn down any bridges.

LUKE: I’m not too sure they’ll want me back after this, dad…

VADER: True. But it doesn’t hurt to make sure you keep a few contacts as a fallback option. How will you word your resignation?

LUKE: Something like ‘I hereby resign my commission as an officer in the Rebel Alliance, with immediate effect’.

VADER: No, no, that’s far too cold and simple. How about ‘with regret I resign my commission from the Rebel Alliance. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Alliance for their support and guidance through what have been some very enjoyable years but recently I have noticed that things have not been going too well’.

LUKE: As in the Hoth thing?

VADER: That’s right. Anyway, you could close with ‘other opportunities have arisen that I cannot pass up on, but please be aware that if the position of the Rebel Alliance was to change and their future prospects improve I would not hesitate to re-join your marvellous organisation.’

LUKE: That’s great. I can make a clean break and make sure they know that I appreciate what they have done for me so it doesn’t look like I’m just quitting on them for my own reasons.

VADER: Exactly right. Now, do you need a hand…?

LUKE: Actually, that’s another matter I wanted to raise with you.

VADER: What’s that?

LUKE: Well, you see, I’ve just found out you’re my dad, and you want me to rule the galaxy with you and everything, but that didn’t stop you from cutting my hand off. This isn’t a sign of our future partnership and how it’s going to go, is it?

VADER: Ah, but I maimed you before all this was discussed. Anyway, you whacked me in the shoulder. That’s going to smart.

LUKE: It was self-defence! If I’d known we were related and that I was going to be offered a lucrative job in this galaxy-ruling thing I’d have reconsidered. Until now you were just a guy in black with an attitude. Now you’re my dad and prospective business partner. In reflection, you knew I was your son and you’ve obviously given this father/son in charge thing some thought. If you needed to make a point, why didn’t you just say something?

VADER: Look at it from my point of view, son. I’m a businessman. If I’d just told you these things whilst you were geared up for a fight, you probably wouldn’t have listened, but right now you’re hanging off a vane, weapon less and missing a hand. That puts me in a better bargaining position.

LUKE: Logical, but it doesn’t stop my wrist from aching. I’m just not sure…

VADER: Look, if I wanted you dead I’d just finish you off, right here and now. But I’m offering you a good position in this whole deal. You can’t let that pass you by, surely? Besides, it’s your only chance right now.

LUKE: Well… okay then, dad. You got yourself a deal.

VADER: Shake on it?

LUKE: Sure thing. (Extends good hand, then realises he hasn’t another hand to hang on with) Oh, shit! (Falls down shaft) Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!

VADER: Sucker.

Fade to black

GEORGE LUCAS: This isn’t gonna work.