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Einstein not dead Albert Einstein has been found alive and well in the same hospital he supposedly died in 1955. He was found by a night porter, dazed and confused, wandering around B wing with a page of highly complicated mathematical formulae and uttering about singularities. The Porter Ralph Yonnagh is said to be pleased the scientist isn't dead and hopes he comes up with more revolutionary scientific ideas. LeBlanc gets Lost in Space In a promotional stunt for the film 'Lost in Space', one of its stars Matt LeBlanc - Joey from Warner Brothers' "Friends" - was jettisoned into space with no hope of rescue at the US premiere. Before leaving the troposphere Matt said he had lived a full and happy life and hoped his family would understand his sacrifice. Lost in Space is now screening nationwide. Hague spurs on the Tories Tory leader William Hague stated today in a press conference that the Conservative Party was ready to put its history behind it. He said that the Conservatives would be back with a vengeance for the next election and Tony Blair should not get over comfortable in Downing Street. In his closing speech he said: "I have never had sex with the still twitching corpse of any 14 year old boy." William Hague MP is a twat. Souper market The world's first soup only supermarket has been opened in Brighton. The manager Mr. Geoff Hullett has loved soup, in all its forms, for 12 years now and believes now it is time for soup to take its rightful place in the world. "Soup is special," Geoff says, "it makes me smile when I feel down and gives a lot of people a reason to survive." Soup is sold in cans. Frog... frog... Frogger Remember the old computer game Frogger? Well a group of Michigan twentysomethings do and they've decided to try it for real. By implanting special circuitry and transmitters inside of frogs they intend to play Frogger across a conveniently placed motorway and river. Local government officials are said to be anxious about the safety implications raised by jumping radio-controlled frogs across motorways and animal lovers are in uproar about the plan to fill the river with alligators and logs. "Our plan isn't popular," Dan Rothstamp said in a recent interview, "but we couldn't give a fuck."

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