October 29

I am trying to wean myself from spacebar. I am finding out how stupid it is to get wrapped up in the lives of people I may never meet nor want to. Slowly, my sanity slipped into the dark abyss of chatting with people who couldn't ever get close enough to bother me and just recently a few people made statements that kind of got to me. Then, I paused and had to ask myself why I care what these people think of me. I mumble under my breath at them of course, some of them I will meet, hell some of them I even care about on a deep basis.

Normally, I am out enjoying the summertime and this year I was absorbed in some kind of on-line drama with someone I don't even speak to anymore. All that emotion and now nothing. It is okay. I dealt with it and moved on. I am grateful for him being the adult and letting it slip to nothingness. It is kind of an embarassment at this point. I am glad it it gone. I think he filled a void for me when I needed it. I also think I did thesame for him.

I am finding these things out, perhaps too late.

I miss him at times. This morning I woke up suddenly ashamed of it all. I don't know where *I* began and the two of us ended. I shuddered with horrific thoughts and went back to sleep. I know where love sleeps and I think soon - I will be sleeping with it.

I think that there are times in our lives where we have to live off emotion. Then there are times where we live off of granola or wearing all black or dropping out of society. Sometimes, I am too much. Even for myself. I get lost in it all. Thankfully, I found myself in the tangled mess.

Still, I miss him. I think I will somewhere inside of me, always. I wonder if you can have loved a ghost.

Jaida